Noticed

It's been a good while since I last wrote. It is just about winter break, I gained some weight, and then lost again. Since April I've lost a little over 20 pounds, which is definitely a good thing. I want that to keep going. I also presented at a conference in Chicago, and I might be taking another conference trip (more like a fun trip) to California for spring break.

I still have not talked to Alex. He has sent me messages on my other weblog twice, the last being a couple of days ago. I have no desire to deal with him...at...all. If just cutting him off wasn't good enough, two things have sealed the deal. The first is that he posted a really nasty post on his weblog, where he said some really racist and bigoted things. Not about my race or religion, but still disgusting nevertheless. I never knew he had it in him, but apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all.

The second has absolutely nothing to do with Alex, but it sealed his fate nevertheless. To make a long story short, last weekend a bunch of us, including Brooke, a friend I will call Nikolai, as well as Brooke's boyfriend and another friend, went out to the bars to party since another friend of ours had come to town from Chicago. To make a long story ridiculously short, apparently my night went differently than everyone else's. At some point in the night, Nikolai, with his arm around me, started talking about how Alex didn't know what he was missing, how wonderful I was, and how I was so great, and that it wasn't just a physical attraction thing, but that he liked who I was as a person. Furthermore, he said he really felt this, and that it wasn't because he had been drinking, and we should talk about it when he was sober. And then he kissed me on the cheek.

Background story...Nikolai, like Brooke, is in my grad school program, and we had come to Cincy at the same time. While he and I are in the same major, we research different types of subjects. He's in his late 20's (I think he's 28), from Eastern Europe and so he can speak at least three languages fluently. In addition, he believes in the Lord, although he is not a card-carrying member of the Religious Right. We kind of dealt with each other in passing up until last year, when we took a couple of classes together. Then this school year, since he is in his dissertation phase and has calmed down infinitely, I see him a lot more. The truth is, the past year or so, I would have flashes of attraction to him, not so much because of his appearance (he is kind of cute in a nerdy sort of way), but because of his kindness and intellect. He's a gentleman and just a really cool guy. But I left it alone because I thought he liked someone else, and I couldn't see him being remotely interested in me, of all people.

So when Nikolai said what he said over the weekend, my first reaction was almost shock. Then over the next few days, I started thinking that I needed to make sure I was clear on what he actually meant. From talking to him later on, apparently he is not as forward sober as he is while he's drinking. But at the same time, it is pretty clear that a host of possibilities exist. He is truly a great guy, and he would make a great friend. Or some other things could happen. Who knows?

But if nothing else, a man of quality finally noticed me and appreciated me for who I was. Nikolai has known of me for a little over two years, and we've only been friends for maybe one of those, if that, yet he likes me for who I am. Alex knew me for six years, yet at the end of the day he didn't know me at all, and he surely had no appreciation for me as a person. I could end up with Nikolai, or I could be with someone else. The point is that Alex is not the be-all, end-all of men, and who I am as a person is truly enough. I cut off Alex a few months ago, thinking that it would be very difficult to let him go. At first it was, but over time it has become infinitely easier.

Need

Sometimes there is a big difference between what we want and what we need.

Since I decided not to be friends with Alex anymore, I've had an up-and-down time of it. Especially since arriving back in Cincinnati about a week ago, I've had good days and bad days. People I know here in Cincy seem to think I look better, happier even. Maybe, in a sense. Removing Alex from my life is probably the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. And sometimes it can be hard to see the effect someone has on you until he's out of your life. It's what I needed.

But I'm not sure if it was what I really wanted. What I really wanted was for him to care about me the way I cared about him. I wanted for him to accept me for who I was. But that's not what happened. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite happened. In the end, I was his last resort, the one that was there when no one else was. It was a place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It would've been better for him to just say he didn't want to be friends with me, but instead he took advantage of me and took my kindness for weakness. After six years, that was all I meant to him. Some girl who liked him once upon a time. That hurts like hell.

I was hanging out with Brooke last night. One of the things she said is that one of the hardest things about ending a destructive relationship is the wondering...wondering whether or not he ever thinks about what he has done, whether he realizes what he did was wrong, and that you were a human being who didn't deserve what he threw your way. I wonder if Alex really has a heart...a conscience, even. And if he does, does he pay attention to it?

From what I knew of Alex, he was the kind of person who was self-absorbed, yet cared more about what other people thought of him than what he thought of himself. In a way, I feel kind of bad for him. I really believe that one day, maybe after he has gone through school, settled down with a wife and children, in his white picket-fence house, he will look in the mirror, and he won't like what he sees. It will dawn on him..."what have I done?"

Maybe at some point, he will know what he has done, and maybe he might apologize for what he has done...sincerely, and not in a self-absorbed way. Maybe he will show me once and for all that he does care after all, that he does have a conscience, that he isn't the selfish, soulless bastard I perceive him to be.

But I can't hold my breath. I can't live for a day I don't know will ever come. I think that is the hardest thing about it. Forgiving someone who doesn't even think that what he did was wrong. But I need to move on, I might not want to move on without that kind of closure, but I need to move on. Now. I have to be able to move on with my life, forgiving Alex...even if he is never sorry.

Over

I can't believe I actually did it.

I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends with Alex, and for once in my life, I followed through on that. Last week, I wrote him a letter in which I told him the truth about how I felt, and that it wasn't working out for me. And today, I got a short email with him telling me he got the letter, and while he doesn't completely understand everything I had to say, he understands that I don't want to be friends with him anymore.

So it's really over.

For some reason, I shed tears. It is probably because as tumultuous as the friendship has been these past almost six years, I really did care about Alex, and still do. Or that I'm so used to him being in my life that I don't know what my life will look like without him.

But even if I shed tears now, I know that the pain I feel now is nothing compared to the pain I will continue to feel and will only increase if I continue to allow this relationship to stall my life. I have to keep telling myself that this is only a small price to pay for the peace I will have from now on, being devoted to Christ and not having anything or anyone else compete.

And holding out for God's best.

Selfishness

So I'm back in my hometown for the summer. My main goals are to relax and get myself together...mind, body, and spirit. I'm really driven to lose weight at this point. Since I found out about my potential and real health problems back in April, I've lost 16 pounds, much of it since last month. I'm feeling positive about that, and I can't wait to lose more. Once I lose about 12-13 more, I should be out of the diabetes danger zone, although I still want to lose even more. Of course, losing weight will come with its own side issues, such as how to deal with men who only desire me b/c of my lower weight. But I think that for the first time in my life, I really feel like I am capable of actually losing weight. It's not for anyone else but me, myself, and I.

Speaking of me, myself, and I, it is for that reason that I refuse to bother with Alex anymore. I'm just through. I realized it one day last month when we went out. The night was absolutely awful for many reasons. Unlike how it normally goes, where I'm feeling wonderful when we're out and miserable afterwards, I felt terrible during the outing as well as after. At first, I felt heartbroken, because it was clear to me that Alex couldn't accept me for who I was. But then I began to really consider things. When I first met Alex about 5 or 6 years ago, he was selfish, shallow, insecure, and immature. As much as he has changed in other ways since he was 19, at 25 he is still selfish, shallow, insecure, and immature. After 5 or so years of friendship, I found myself being overly focused on someone who didn't truly care for me. I cared for him, and he cared for himself. For example, I knew when Alex's Step 1 licensing exam was coming up, to the day. But when I spoke to him about a week after the outing from hell, he had no idea I even had final exams/papers coming up in two weeks. He even assumed he had to devote more time to studying than I do, even though I have never told him how often I study.

But I've gotten to the point where I need to care for myself...or at least I realize that I need to. I don't really believe that Alex is capable of concern for anyone, unless it's for himself. Even in being apologetic, he still cannot take the focus off of himself. When he called me a week or so after the outing to apologize (for what??), he said, "I'm sorry that I took advantage of the fact that you were infatuated with me." If that's not self-absorption and narcissism, I don't know what is. I just got to the point where I got tired enough to be finished. I didn't even tell him I left Cincinnati (not that he even cares, but whatever). I just cannot be bothered with someone like that. It's not to say that I don't have feelings for him anymore...I do. It's not to say that I don't occasionally feel tempted to call him or write him. But I know that for the sake of self-respect, I just can't do it.

Fat

The past couple of months haven't gotten much easier. Just more little things. I find out that I have borderline blood pressure, I'm pre-diabetic and insulin resistant, but it can be reversed with losing weight. However, I find out that the reason why I have gained weight and become pre-diabetic, etc., is not just because of an unhealthy lifestyle, but because of a hormonal disorder. This same hormonal disorder may also make it very difficult for me to have children. That doesn't matter so much now, but it might matter a lot later. So I'm on medication now to help me get the weight off and treat the other problems.

The whole situation, though, has made me face things I didn't want to face. I tend to worry more about my weight than about any other physical characteristic I have, even race. It has probably caused me more pain than anything else, and my experiences due to my weight make me not have faith in people, especially men. I don't trust them because they have not given me a reason to...every single one of them (save the men I'm related to) it seems like can't accept me for who I am, and don't even take the time to find out about me to know if we're even compatible. I'm just sick of them.

But what I really fear is that if I lose weight, then they will pay attention to me. I think that it will make me more cynical and distrusting than I already am. I'm just like most people...I desire true love and devotion, I want to be accepted for who I am. Being fat doesn't make me any less human. Yet if someone can only accept me thin, then it means that in all reality they don't accept me at all.

I wish that I could meet someone...no, not anyone, but a wonderful man with ambition and loves God, and that will accept me right now as I am, so that once I lose weight, I will know that even if there are many men who are shallow and won't accept me, it's not true for all of them. I'm okay enough to be accepted as I am. I don't want to have anxiety about losing weight as I'm doing it because to be honest this concern has been the one thing that has kept me from fighting more fiercely to get the weight off. If I don't have to worry about this, then I can more fully focus on my health, and I won't feel like I'm losing it just to fit the standards of men I can't trust.

Grandma

So a lot has been going on, but I can't put it all in print. Basically, my friend has been going through some issues, much of it is really shocking and incredible, and I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't observe it with my own eyes. On top of that, I have my own issues. My grandmother passed away over the weekend. I care about it, and it's sad, even though she was elderly (85 years old) and has been ill a long time. I don't deal with death very well, or maybe I deal with it too well. I don't know how to express grief or sorrow properly. If someone near me got killed, God forbid, the cops might think I did it because I tend not to express myself the way someone grieving "should."

It'll be so different going up to my mom's hometown and my grandma not being there. I don't know. I wasn't super close to my grandmother, but she's been my only real grandparent for most of my life. I know it sounds bad, but when my grandfather on my father's side died a few months ago it really didn't matter to me. I hadn't seen him in a number of years, and he and my father didn't have a relationship (long story). I didn't go to the funeral and neither did my dad. I had more grief over my brother's first dog dying than for my grandfather.

But it's different with my grandmother. I spent some time up in my mom's hometown when I was younger, and a lot of my relatives still live up there. To be truthful there was good and bad with being up there because as much as I love my relatives, a lot of them are strange and I don't click well with many of them. But seeing Grandma was a good thing...one thing I do miss about her is her awesome cooking. Before she developed dementia, she was the best cook and baker...she could make baked goods like snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies from scratch, she made some awesome greens. She used to cultivate her own vegetable garden as well, and at one point she was a pretty independent woman. She was also a God-fearing woman. She was a relatively strict, traditional Baptist who was very, very involved in her church. My mother kind of deviated from the rest of her clan because she decided to go Pentecostal (and I'm relatively like my mom in this way), but I'm sure that some of my mom's faithfulness she received from Grandma.

I remember when Grandma took care of my sister and I when my mom gave birth to my brother and almost died from complications. I don't remember where my dad was at the time, he was probably staying with her. I remember the rules being different...she believed in making sure we were in bed early, I think 9pm. I didn't like it because I was a nightowl, but it was good having her there, nevertheless. It's funny how sometimes you don't appreciate the ones you love until they're gone.

So I don't know how I'll feel going to the funeral this weekend. I am really worried about my mother, because as much as she figured she'd take the impending death well, once it happened it didn't seem that way. It's hard to predict how to react to these things. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing more what not having Grandma around will really mean. And then it also makes me think of my parents' mortality as well. I get concerned about them a lot anyway, but this kind of stuff makes me think about it a little more. Even though I've become more aware of the fact that they won't be around forever, I don't know what I would do without them.

Necessary

Valentine's Day was good. No man, but I spent it with friends - Brooke and her husband Jack's place, with Rosa and Brian. We ate dinner, talked and stuff, it was a lot of fun.

Since the epiphany, some things have happened. This past week, I spent some time trying to figure things out. Not so much the truth of the relationship, but trying to figure out what to do next. It's kind of like, "Yeah, now I know, but now what?"

I decided that I would email Alex and tell him how I felt and that I couldn't be a part of the relationship in its present form. So I wrote it on Thursday and sent it off Friday. I thought that would be it. I should've known better.

Alex wanted to talk. I don't know if I did, but I felt that I would need to verbalize to make it all more clear. So we spent both Saturday and Sunday (earlier/yesterday) going over things. Saturday with me explaining how I felt and him trying to clarify his true feelings. And I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend (tried to make sure I didn't look like I was happy or something :-P - yeah I know it wasn't right).

Sunday we put everything out on the table. Everything. We were both probably the most honest about what pisses us off about each other than we ever been in the entire friendship. He got out his problems, and I got out mine. All of them. It was a good thing, I think.

What's so weird, though, is that for both of us this particular friendship is the only one that causes this much tension, stress and drama. I don't know what that means, I don't think he does either, at least not completely. It might be that our personalities conflict. We communicate well on most things - school, life, etc. But not when it comes to each other. I think it's where our communication styles and thought processes cause problems. Typical male/female differences - Alex is more rational, and he's not into "feelings," while I am more emotional, and while I care about being rational, I am also quite passionate, and a lot of times my passion overrides my rationality. Another thing. I am the kind of person who is both outspoken and indecisive. I will tell you in a minute how I feel about something but I am not good at being able to communicate what someone should do about it, or even what I should do about it. I don't like making that call. At the same time, Alex is sort of passive and just internalizes stuff until he is really forced to say something, or feels that he can't get away with not saying anything. And both of us are good at remembering what the other one did, or what we think s/he did, and then bringing it up much later. So that combination of similarities and differences, plus five years worth of misunderstandings, misinterpretation, and misstatements, makes for plenty of tense sotrs/dtrs*.

I think the talk was worth it. I don't know what's going to happen now. But I have too much on my plate right now to deal with it, in terms of school, etc. I don't think that, at least between myself and Alex, that there is anything more to deal with. I think that whatever else there may be is internal. I think that in some ways, I'm too emotionally involved, too emotionally attached to Alex. How one gets attached to someone who is emotionally distant, I'm not sure. But that needs to get untangled. Seriously. Good news is that I won't be hearing from him for a few months, since he has comprehensive exams coming up. I was going to at least give myself space from him, if not cut him off completely. I do think he cares about me to some extent, but I cannot be content with just whatever I get, either. I still do deserve better.


*state of the relationship/define the relationship talks

Epiphany

A couple of nights ago, I had what my friend Brooke calls an "epiphany."

I was driving home late at night from seeing a movie with friends. My head was actually pretty empty. I wasn't doing much in the way of thinking. And it dawned on me.

I haven't been able to get over Alex because I haven't been completely honest. Alex is a crappy friend that I don't need to associate with. He treats me the way he does because I let him, plain and simple.

The reason why this relationship has been so full of tension this past five years is because Alex could not get over himself. Every problem that he and I have had has centered around whether or not I'm still interested in him. When I moved to Cincinnati, Alex did not care if I was settling into the city okay, or if I was adjusting well. All he cared about was the idea that I moved to the city because of him.

He has also taken my realness for weakness. The very fact that he knows I have a past and that I have problems with men makes him believe that I'm "fragile," somehow weaker than other women we know, i.e. Bunny.

My "crisis" of future really made things clear. The friends I have made here have made it clear that they want me to stay. My best friends up north want me to move there and be with them. By contrast, Alex never wanted me to move here to begin with, and when I told him that I might be moving, he seemed a little too happy. He wanted to ship me off to DC.

And the last thing...my friends appreciate me. I love my friends and my acquaintances. They have told me, or at least treated me, as if I matter. They see something good in me. By contrast, Alex has said that being my friend after he rejected me is "the right thing to do." At the time, I didn't catch that totally, or really think about what it meant. But I've realized recently that it basically means that he thinks that he's doing me a favor, that he feels like he's my friend because he has to, not because he wants to. He sees nothing in me worth being treasured, he's taking pity on me. In other words, being my friend is not about me, it's about him.

When I was talking to Brooke, she said something to me that makes sense. In a friendship, it is okay to focus on their well-being more than your own. But if the other person doesn't do the same, there will come a time when you will begin to resent the imbalance and you will cease to care. I don't care anymore. If Alex doesn't care, why should I?

Hate

So most likely I won't leave Cincinnati. I don't think that God is finished with me yet.

Part of the reason why I've wanted to leave is Alex. I'm just now starting to be honest with myself and allow myself to feel the pain. So much of the city reminds me of him - somewhere we've gone, something he said. Five years wasted. I would give almost anything to forget that this chapter of my life ever happened, to leave this place and never look back. But at the same time I need to face my demons. As I have learned from previous experience, I can't run away from my problems.

With each passing day I hate Alex more and more. I know that's not healthy. But it's the truth. Hate is not the opposite of love, it's just love twisted. Because when you hate someone, you actually care. I hate how he's treated me, I hate how he seems to think that he's doing me a favor, "the right thing," by being my friend. I don't think he values me, really, except as an ego booster. I really resent that a lot. Five years of friendship and he sees in me nothing of beauty, value, or appreciation. Nothing. That is really what hurts the most. Although I value the friendship, I feel that it has come at too high a cost.

Changes

My life has been kind of tumultuous...major changes, maybe. It looks like I may be leaving Cincinnati sooner than I thought. I've been praying about it, and I feel at peace about making this decision, oddly enough. If I do leave, then I will probably move back to my hometown by the summer. When I think of my experiences with going back home, I get almost a "Jesus going back to Nazareth" feeling. No, I don't think I'm God, I'm no Jesus by a long shot. But I can relate to the feeling of going back home and the people in His hometown, having known Him growing up, being so closed-minded to what He was about that He couldn't do much there.

A lot of people in my hometown like to place me in a box. I'm the goody-two shoes, the one that people figure would be successful but are so upset about getting "too big for her britches" that they wish I fell flat on my face. Also, I'm sure that Alex is elated that I'm leaving, since I was supposedly following him to the ends of the earth. Bastard. So going back to my hometown is not ideal in my eyes. But I need to do what's best for me, in terms of my sanity and finances, especially my sanity. So the plan is, I think, that I will move back home, finish my thesis, and do the PhD somewhere either closer to home or a place w/more support.

In other news, I'm praying for a measure of redemption for Valentine's Day. It sounds kind of strange, I know. But days such as Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day (a Hallmark holiday from the pits of hottest hell) tend to put me in a bit of depression. Those days tend to be major reminders not only of my singleness, but the hurtful feelings I've had due to rejection, embarrassment, etc. I don't think I've ever had a positive Valentine's Day. But I have seen situations when God does redeem certain days, like birthdays, etc., for people I know. Days that have always been a source of grief rather than a source of celebration. Valentine's Day should be a day of celebration, but I've never felt like celebrating.

I need to extend some faith. I figure that I'll move from the small things to the larger things. I want ultimately to be in a relationship w/someone who truly loves me in a special way. But how can I believe that God will change bigger stuff and not the smaller stuff? I need to trust Him for the smaller stuff, too. So I'm believing that Valentine's Day 2005 will indeed be different, and in an awesome way. I pray that the Lord will honor my faith.

Agreements

Lately a lot of things have been going on with my life. A few things have occurred relevant to this blog.

First of all, about a week and a half ago, I realized something. I've been settling. A friend of mine basically said that the kind of man I should want is one who sees me as so valuable and precious that he cannot pass me up. The kind of man I should desire is one who first of all, loves God, and secondly, has the will to pursue me with zeal. A man's love for me should point to God's even greater love for me. Anything less is in fact settling.

Then last week Sunday, the pastor spoke about making agreements with Satan. A lot of times we get a bad feeling about ourselves, or someone treats us badly, and negative things pop into our heads, such as "you're not attractive enough," or "no man will ever love you." And we agree with it, like thinking that "oh, that must be true about me." We exchange the truth for a lie.

I've done that for most of my life, as long as I can remember. And I realized that I have bought into the lie that my weight and my unusual appearance makes me, makes me unattractive, unworthy for a mate. That I should go for what I can get rather than go for what is the best. I am a child of God, made in His image. I look like Him. Much like I look like my earthly father, I look like my Heavenly Father too. Since my Heavenly Father is a perfect father who loves to give good gifts to His children, than why should I put up with scraps?

Ich bin eine Prinzessin.

That opened my eyes. It really did. Yeah, Alex has great attributes. But what is even more important is how he treats me. He doesn't see me or appreciate me for who I am, he doesn't value me the way I should be valued. He bothers me when it's convenient. He chooses to date another woman, to show off another woman, while still not wanting to leave me...quite...alone. Why should I be so happy when he calls, to get whatever little pieces of himself he wants to give? Why should I be second-best? I'm not second-best because God didn't make me second-best. So why should I accept that from Alex? Either he's in or he's out. He can't have it both ways.

My parents asked me about Alex a few days ago. So did one of my good friends. I hadn't heard from him since mid-December. Did I care? No. I wasn't going to chase after him. I felt that if he was going to be with another woman, he had no use for me. And if he was so willing to pass me up, then I had no use for him either. I hadn't heard from him since before the new year, and I wasn't going to make the effort anymore.

So late last night my phone rings, and lo and behold it's Alex. Alex and I talk for a little while. I ask him about his girlfriend. She's fine. They went to all the functions together, including New Year's. Do I ever hear about how wonderful his girlfriend is? Never. It's just about what they do. I feel like it's a flashback of his past. I'm not going to put his business out on the street. But basically, it has the appearance of shadiness if you're initiating contact with a friend of the opposite sex in which there has been a history of romantic feelings or sexual tension while you're with someone else. I really don't think his girlfriend knows, but if she did there might be problems, and I don't need to be in the middle of someone else's problems. In any case, I do not want to feel like I'm anything less than special and worth a man's devotion. Alex treats me like less, and I no longer want to allow myself to accept it.

2005

2005 seems to have started out somewhat like 2004. Friends from undergrad are getting engaged. Not too long ago, a friend from undergrad, "Bunny," started a romantic relationship with this guy she's been into a long time, a guy named "Dirk." Dirk is one of Alex's friends. On one hand I was happy for them. I knew that Bunny really liked Dirk and had been into him for a long time. On the other hand, it was just another reminder of how things are working out in the love department of others but not myself. In any case, though, recently I had a dream that Bunny and I were talking, and she was telling me that she was getting married. I told her I was happy for her, but I remember feeling a deep sense of sadness.

The other day, I was able to surf the web uninhibited for the first time in about two weeks. I looked on the recent blogs and found that Bunny's best friend "Mary" was getting married to another guy we knew from undergrad. That's wonderful. But at the same time, I was fighting against that sense of sadness that threatened to take hold of me. Both Mary and her fiance are younger than me. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I don't really ask for a whole lot in life. I don't care about being rich or powerful, or attaining fame, I care about my work but I don't care if I become well known in my field either. I just want to love and to be loved, to have companionship and support, to have a family of my own, and at times I feel as if it's too much to ask.

I decided over the break to go into counseling/therapy, mainly to get over Alex. Yeah, it's weird, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get over him so I can move on with my life in a fuller way. I've got to.

Perfect

"...one of the worst hurts to ever feel is when you find someone who is perfect for you but you're not perfect for them." - from my general weblog

I've been dealing with this for the past few years, but it has only been recently that I could put this into words.

2004 found me contemplating my life and the choices I made. One of the harder things I did was to tell my friend "Alex" that I needed space from him.

Alex and I met in college, I was a first year and he was a second year. We met through a mutual friend (who later became one of my best friends), and they met through a campus ministry group not too long before. It was not love, or even like, at first sight. I thought he looked dorky. But there was something that kind of attracted me to him. As I got to know him better, I noticed that he was smart and fun to hang out with. It also impressed me to see that he, as a white man, could be in a group with all black people and not get uncomfortable or feel he had to "act black" or be "down." When we first met, we both were in interracial relationships, his with a black woman, mine with a white man. I also felt a level of comfort with him that was different than what I had experienced before.

Those things alone let me know I settled in my relationship with my high school sweetheart, "Matt," and there was something better out there than what I had chosen to deal with. So in January of my first year, I cut him off. Not just because of Alex, but meeting him did renew my standards. Matt had to go. And as Matt went, so did Alex's girlfriend.

So I felt that way about Alex, but by the end of my first year, I found out that he didn't feel the same way because, of all things, my physical appearance. I was fat. He didn't exactly come correct about it, and it almost killed the friendship before it even began. The funny thing is, though, he was the only person that said he wanted to be friends and actually meant it.

Alex and I, throughout the next couple of years, had a strange relationship. We were friends, we could hang out, we could talk, etc. But the same thing kept coming up...do I still like him?

Yet, through that time, I learned more about him. We grew up somewhat similarly...two parents, middle class, conservative values. He was pre-med, which has a special place in my heart because my father went to medical school when I was really young (though he didn't finish), and in those days I used to pick up his medical textbooks and read them (I was a strange kid). Alex was pretty cosmopolitan, as am I. He also had an interest in politics and history, which I also have. He could challenge me on my beliefs and opinions and could make reasoned arguments. At the same time, I knew that he respected my mind. He was encouraging and showed faith in me when I pursued my goals. And he would occasionally tell me about myself...doesn't always feel good, but at those times I needed it. We were not carbon copies of each other. We were also quite different. But it was right...enough similarity to be able to relate to each other, enough difference to learn from each other.

I learned through the years that Alex was perfect. Not perfect in the sense that he can do no wrong or he has no flaws. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I could not go back.

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But as I learned, just because someone is perfect for you doesn't mean that you're perfect for them.

About three years after we met, Alex moved back to his hometown of Cincinnati. We kept in touch while I was finishing up my undergraduate studies and he was taking a year off from school. During that time, I decided to move to Cincinnati to attend graduate school. It was primarily not because of him...it was because the program at the school in question had the expertise in a particular area of interest, it would be a change that would still allow me to see my friends in the town I attended undergrad in, and most importantly, I felt that God was directing me there. I did not make the decision because of Alex, but of course in the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, Alex would finally be able to see me.

But all he could "see" is that I was following him.

For our relationship, it would've been better, in a sense, if we lived in different cities. My first year in Cincinnati saw a lot of difficulty. Alex was dealing with his first year of medical school, while I was dealing with adjustment to a new city where I knew no one but him, coping with leaving my friends and the college life I loved so much, as well as adjusting to the rigors of graduate study and working as a graduate assistant. I tried to understand him, he tried to understand me. But at the root of our conflict, though, was Alex's contention that I wasn't over him. It upset me that after five years we still were dealing with this. Besides, what did it matter if I liked him if it was apparent that he didn't like me back?

The realization that the past five years didn't mean a whole lot to him in terms of how he saw me hurt me to the core. Really broke my heart. Enough that by the end of the summer I told him I needed space from him. Did he give me the space? Not really. About a month later he contacted me. We talked off and on. Even went out once before I went out of town for the holidays. It was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed myself...it was the best time we had together in a long time. But it was still too soon. Since the summer he has found himself a woman from his program to date. I don't know how serious they are. But for someone who claimed not to be thinking about dating or anything only a few months back - well, what can I say? Liar. I only hate two kinds of ppl...liars and the willfully ignorant.

A lot of what I'm dealing with at this point is internal. Matt and I knew each other for a year and a half, and were together for most of it. But when I finally let him go, it didn't take me long to get over it. With Alex, we were never together, yet we've known each other for over five years. While Matt was my high school sweetheart, Alex really had my heart. I loved Matt, but I loved -and- was in love with Alex. He is the one man who had my heart, and he broke it. Stuff happens, I guess.

So at this point, I just don't know. I know I need to get over Alex, quick. Five years is too long to be into one man this much. Knowing him has been a mixture of joy and regret. Joy to know someone so perfect. But I don't need the regret. But at the same time, I do not want to settle for just anyone. I want someone, well, like Alex, except that I want the person to see I'm too good to pass up. I cannot settle...I would be absolutely miserable. I'd rather be by myself. I pray that God will make things right, some kind of way. I really pray He does.

Blog

I've finally figured out what I will do with this blog. I've decided to use it to chronicle my love life.

When I say my "love life," I'm not talking about sex. It's really a mixture of a few things: dating, relationships with men, mixed in with my self-image. My dating life has been a shower of disappointment. Lots of rejection, etc. I have been in a serious relationship once, and the nature of it was emotionally abusive. I kept having to straddle the line between holding onto hope and being "realistic"...no one would be genuinely attracted to an obese black girl with red hair and freckles. Throughout my life I've felt that my love life is in fact dead.

As I've gotten older, I've been able to experience Christ (I became a Christian a little over five years ago). Through that I've been able to see the beauty that God has put in me. There is no one like me, there never was anyone like me, and there will never be anyone like me. He made me different for a reason. I've been able to come to terms with my appearance. At the same time, though, I've begun to have dreams of being married, of having a family of my own including a husband and children. My recognition of my God-given uniqueness isn't the same as having a man, and a good man at that, recognize this uniqueness.

This blog is about the journey to faith...learning to truly accept myself and to keep fire glowing on the belief that one day this part of my life will not only be different, but will see a measure of redemption.