Perfect

"...one of the worst hurts to ever feel is when you find someone who is perfect for you but you're not perfect for them." - from my general weblog

I've been dealing with this for the past few years, but it has only been recently that I could put this into words.

2004 found me contemplating my life and the choices I made. One of the harder things I did was to tell my friend "Alex" that I needed space from him.

Alex and I met in college, I was a first year and he was a second year. We met through a mutual friend (who later became one of my best friends), and they met through a campus ministry group not too long before. It was not love, or even like, at first sight. I thought he looked dorky. But there was something that kind of attracted me to him. As I got to know him better, I noticed that he was smart and fun to hang out with. It also impressed me to see that he, as a white man, could be in a group with all black people and not get uncomfortable or feel he had to "act black" or be "down." When we first met, we both were in interracial relationships, his with a black woman, mine with a white man. I also felt a level of comfort with him that was different than what I had experienced before.

Those things alone let me know I settled in my relationship with my high school sweetheart, "Matt," and there was something better out there than what I had chosen to deal with. So in January of my first year, I cut him off. Not just because of Alex, but meeting him did renew my standards. Matt had to go. And as Matt went, so did Alex's girlfriend.

So I felt that way about Alex, but by the end of my first year, I found out that he didn't feel the same way because, of all things, my physical appearance. I was fat. He didn't exactly come correct about it, and it almost killed the friendship before it even began. The funny thing is, though, he was the only person that said he wanted to be friends and actually meant it.

Alex and I, throughout the next couple of years, had a strange relationship. We were friends, we could hang out, we could talk, etc. But the same thing kept coming up...do I still like him?

Yet, through that time, I learned more about him. We grew up somewhat similarly...two parents, middle class, conservative values. He was pre-med, which has a special place in my heart because my father went to medical school when I was really young (though he didn't finish), and in those days I used to pick up his medical textbooks and read them (I was a strange kid). Alex was pretty cosmopolitan, as am I. He also had an interest in politics and history, which I also have. He could challenge me on my beliefs and opinions and could make reasoned arguments. At the same time, I knew that he respected my mind. He was encouraging and showed faith in me when I pursued my goals. And he would occasionally tell me about myself...doesn't always feel good, but at those times I needed it. We were not carbon copies of each other. We were also quite different. But it was right...enough similarity to be able to relate to each other, enough difference to learn from each other.

I learned through the years that Alex was perfect. Not perfect in the sense that he can do no wrong or he has no flaws. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I could not go back.

____________________

But as I learned, just because someone is perfect for you doesn't mean that you're perfect for them.

About three years after we met, Alex moved back to his hometown of Cincinnati. We kept in touch while I was finishing up my undergraduate studies and he was taking a year off from school. During that time, I decided to move to Cincinnati to attend graduate school. It was primarily not because of him...it was because the program at the school in question had the expertise in a particular area of interest, it would be a change that would still allow me to see my friends in the town I attended undergrad in, and most importantly, I felt that God was directing me there. I did not make the decision because of Alex, but of course in the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, Alex would finally be able to see me.

But all he could "see" is that I was following him.

For our relationship, it would've been better, in a sense, if we lived in different cities. My first year in Cincinnati saw a lot of difficulty. Alex was dealing with his first year of medical school, while I was dealing with adjustment to a new city where I knew no one but him, coping with leaving my friends and the college life I loved so much, as well as adjusting to the rigors of graduate study and working as a graduate assistant. I tried to understand him, he tried to understand me. But at the root of our conflict, though, was Alex's contention that I wasn't over him. It upset me that after five years we still were dealing with this. Besides, what did it matter if I liked him if it was apparent that he didn't like me back?

The realization that the past five years didn't mean a whole lot to him in terms of how he saw me hurt me to the core. Really broke my heart. Enough that by the end of the summer I told him I needed space from him. Did he give me the space? Not really. About a month later he contacted me. We talked off and on. Even went out once before I went out of town for the holidays. It was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed myself...it was the best time we had together in a long time. But it was still too soon. Since the summer he has found himself a woman from his program to date. I don't know how serious they are. But for someone who claimed not to be thinking about dating or anything only a few months back - well, what can I say? Liar. I only hate two kinds of ppl...liars and the willfully ignorant.

A lot of what I'm dealing with at this point is internal. Matt and I knew each other for a year and a half, and were together for most of it. But when I finally let him go, it didn't take me long to get over it. With Alex, we were never together, yet we've known each other for over five years. While Matt was my high school sweetheart, Alex really had my heart. I loved Matt, but I loved -and- was in love with Alex. He is the one man who had my heart, and he broke it. Stuff happens, I guess.

So at this point, I just don't know. I know I need to get over Alex, quick. Five years is too long to be into one man this much. Knowing him has been a mixture of joy and regret. Joy to know someone so perfect. But I don't need the regret. But at the same time, I do not want to settle for just anyone. I want someone, well, like Alex, except that I want the person to see I'm too good to pass up. I cannot settle...I would be absolutely miserable. I'd rather be by myself. I pray that God will make things right, some kind of way. I really pray He does.