New

So, basically, since I last wrote, I ended up finally standing up for myself against Nikolai. To make a long story short, Brooke planned a going-away party for me. A group of my closest Cincinnati friends were there, and Nikolai showed up...with his girlfriend. I just could not take it anymore, and I pulled him aside to tell him that what he did was inappropriate and selfish. He ended up taking the girlfriend home, and then came back briefly to wish me well.

The next day he came up to me to tell me what he really thought about the situation, which was that he felt I was unreasonably hurt, he is into someone else now, and I needed to "get over it." I explained to him that it's deeper than "you hurt me, you don't like me, poor me" or whatever is floating in his head. He broke trust with me and that has to be re-earned, and while I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, and when he does stuff that he knows will bother me, it doesn't exactly give encouragement for to trust him. Besides, how am I supposed to "get over" anything if he and I were living together? Anyway, in the end, he said that he values my friendship, he knows that Cincinnati was hard for me, and that he hopes and prays that Michigan will be better for me than Cincinnati was, and that he believes I will find myself with a man by my side.

For whatever reason, the whole Nikolai rejection thing hurts like hell, and I can't exactly say why. Maybe it's because of transference from the Alex situation. Then again, maybe it was the hope that Nikolai held out before pulling the rug out from under me. Maybe it's the fact that I thought that for once, things would be different, but in the end the outcome was all too familiar. It's hard to know, really. But in any case, there is nothing I can do about it. And maybe, just maybe, Nikolai's choice not to be with me opens doors for something better in my life.

Speaking of that, I've finally moved to Michigan. It's so weird being out of Cincinnati. I'm happy, though. It's a start of a new life. In a way, I'm sad that I don't have any expectations, because whatever expectations I had in the past when moving (Cincinnati, Columbus, etc.), seemed to go to crap. At the same time, I am back home, so it's hard to know what's going to happen when you go home. Sometimes the best things come from the unlikeliest of places. And also, maybe expecting nothing isn't a bad thing. Deep in my heart, I still yearn for a time when restoration and redemption will occur in my life. But at the same time, I know that I need to be changed to experience change. I'm going to take the time now to change the way I live and the character of who I am.

Failure

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain." - Abraham Cowley

Last Friday was Nikolai's house party. It was partly to celebrate his 30th birthday, and partly to send off myself and another friend moving out of the area. The party itself was great, and Nikolai demonstrated he could really put one on. I enjoyed myself, for the most part, although the tail end of the night I really don't remember. It amazes me how one could shut off portions of the brain and still be functional.

So Pat showed up at the party. Brooke thinks the girl is ugly, and she thinks I was being nice by calling her "average." But really, it's kind of an insignificant point. At one point in the night, Nikolai and Pat were sitting next to each other and kind of across from me. They were hugged up, and even kissed. When they kissed, it felt like a little part of me died.

It makes me think...was I into Nikolai that much? On one hand, he has shown himself to be a liar, a hypocrite, and a sycophant. He is duplicitous and he can't seem to live life honestly at all. I know that I deserve better than Nikolai. Yet there was the fact that he inserted himself into my life during my struggle and turmoil with Alex. Nikolai seemed like a dream man...he is my type physically, he talks without pulling teeth, we are similar in a lot of ways, he is dominant without trying to make him so.

But it just didn't work.

And not only it didn't work, but it appears that it does work between Nikolai and a 21-year old average-looking girl who barely knows how to wipe her own ass.

I should have been the one hugged up on him. I should have been the one locking lips with him. But apparently, I failed miserably.

It was just so wrong.

It was the icing on top of the huge "Fuck You" cake that is Cincinnati, Ohio; it's the boot in the pants on the way out.

It'll be good to start over again. This time, it won't do me well to just forget Cincinnati, though. I have to deal with my hurt and rejected feelings concerning Nikolai and also Alex. I have to deal with the memories of what they have done and what I allowed to happen. That, on top of the loss of my father. Alex and Nikolai, on top of my lack of love life and my questionable abilities to have children in the future. I need healing, restoration, and redemption. God needs to make things right.

Mediocrity

So it has been about a week since the "Tomato" incident. Since then, I have talked to Nikolai about his relationship with the 21-year-old (we'll call her "Pat"). My father said a year or so ago that "You can't take Nikolai seriously." I don't think I completely got it then, but it's more than clear now. Here are the highlights of the communications with Nikolai:

- Nikolai didn't plan for me (or anyone else apparently) to find out about his relations with Pat.
- Nikolai and Pat probably don't have much in common due to the age difference.
- He also admits he's dating her because he's bored and wants to spice up his dull life.
- He gets off on the age difference.
- He knows that Pat is average in appearance.
- However, Nikolai says he tends to look for "average" women because he isn't his lifestyle to expect and do well with more.
- He is totally clueless about the direction of his love life and what he actually wants with Pat...whether she'll be a fun fling or a ticket to US permanent residency.
- He knows that I am clearly not average.
- He says he doesn't date colleagues (one year plus after the fact so I think this tidbit is BS).
- He says we don't have "chemistry," and that I would need more than he is capable of giving.
- Apparently, I am the one woman he feels is wise enough to advise him well.
- Per above, to Nikolai, being with me would be like "f***ing the Virgin Mary."

So basically, I found out that, and everything else that the world does not need to know. But I know all I need to know, and then some. It was well worth it to play "counselor" long enough to find out what kind of human being he is. He is a sad excuse for a person who is insecure, immature, and settles for mediocrity. We are not compatible...I am somewhat of a "performer" who is not okay with mediocrity, but wants to do better, live better, and get the most out of life, a type A personality (or maybe an A-). I am not materialistic, but at the same time, I want to really be into a man, and I will accept nothing less than someone who is into me completely, and treats me like the queen I am. Although Nikolai is physically attractive, I know that he is incapable of being the man he would need to be for me, even if he tried. I want my equal, but he is less than equal to me, and he desires even less than equal to him. It's just not going to work.

I actually do care about him, and even though I do not want to be in Pat's position (a secret fling, being seen by my SO as "average"), there is a part of me that still wishes I could be with Nikolai, and it bothers me that the choice was never mine to make. I also feel that, although being a counselor was well worth it for the sake of knowledge, I will henceforth keep my boundaries up. If I continue to allow myself to be the woman that's good enough to share intimate secrets with, but not good enough to date or be with, then that will be selling myself short. Also, if I do not set boundaries, it will be repeating history. I truly cared for Alex, but over time I grew to resent him because he felt he could tell me about his love life, yet I wasn't good enough to be part of it. I do not want to feel that way about Nikolai.

Tomato

So, I've been sorting out my life. Basically, I don't know how I feel. I would rather not see Nikolai, but at the same time, he lives in my building, so I can't exactly avoid it. I don't know if I can even say anything to him. I'm trying to figure out if he's a liar or a cheat. I just don't have any respect for him at all.

He called me earlier because he wanted to know the details of Brooke's birthday. Then he asked me about my life, and I asked him about his. He said he had some stuff going on and he knew I knew that, but he would tell me later. Honestly, that is not a conversation I feel like having.

In a weird way, I still have feelings for him, and I feel like when everything happened last year, there was no closure. I never had much of a say over the situation, and that was very difficult for me. I got led on, and then I got jerked around and crapped on. I was never able to be the woman I needed to be and truly stand up and give my say. I kind of regret that. And the fact that I got passed over by a very average 21-year-old girl really burns me up. A friend put it this way, "You were rejected for a downgrade."

I know that Nikolai isn't right for me, but this fact doesn't make me feel any better. I wish that who I am could've counted for something. It totally didn't, and that hurts. It is one of the many disappointments experienced in Cincinnati. I would love to move to Michigan and never look back. I've been let down so much, and it would be nice to be loved and appreciated, to get back some of the love that I give.

I don't think I can even speak to Nikolai without screaming, crying, or both. I need to leave Cincinnati. I really do.

Lolita

I am leaving for Michigan in three weeks, and after four years of living here, I still have no idea my purpose for being here.

There is a saying based on the Bible that everything is worked for the good of those who love God. In other words, we have to believe that even those things that are bad, tragic, or whatnot, the Lord uses for good. There is always a silver lining.

Yesterday, I woke up almost in tears because I had a vivid dream of talking to Alex over the phone. Really, I do miss him, and if I truly wanted to I could attempt to track him down in Kentucky. But I don't need to bring him back into my life. Having Alex out of my life permanently is what needed to happen for my own sanity and well-being. It doesn't feel good, though.

I already was having kind of a bad day because of that. I was about to make myself a balanced dinner, when I go into the kitchen and see Nikolai - with a date. He met an undergrad through a buddy of his, and they were having a little dinner date and then going to play tennis. It took me a while to realize that she was his date. The girl was polite and friendly. She was also 21, with an average body (maybe size 10-12), pimply face, bug eyes, and limp mousy blonde hair.

I first thought to myself "What does she have that I don't? I'm friendly too, and more educated, and a hell of a lot hotter than her. What makes her better than me?" Just being in the kitchen with those two was an uncomfortable feeling...she pretended not to know how to cut salad items, and she laughed at everything he said. I felt like I was in the middle of a "To Catch a Predator" sting operation. I was cooking chicken, and I attempted to speed through the process on the George Foreman grill...pressing down on the chicken, praying that it would hurry up and cook all the way through so I could be out of there. And then I took my chicken and the rest of my Mediterranean salad and went upstairs. I couldn't even eat. All I could do is cry, softly. The whole day had been a validation of how I felt about my life in Cincinnati, that it was hell and everything I touched, particularly when it came to dating, turned to crap.

I talked to Brooke and to my mother, and both pretty much said the same thing. The problem is not me, it is Nikolai. It's not that I'm not as good as this average 21-year-old undergrad. It is just that Nikolai is the kind of person who is not man enough to be with someone his equal, particularly if she is somewhat headstrong. He likes to be in the position of teacher-adviser-mentor, and not just in terms of work. He likes to play that role in his relationships, particularly with women, and he has a difficult time dealing with a woman who doesn't eat up everything he says as if they are pearls of wisdom from God himself. My mother added that he has nothing to offer me that would make him superior to me. I am not some young undergrad from a small hick town in Ohio, I'm in the same program he is in, for something a little different, and while I may not be as well-traveled as he is, I have a lot of life experience outside academia that he just doesn't have. We are different, yet equal. He doesn't want a give-and-take, he wants to be in a relationship that is primarily a one-way street. It's not going to happen with a late-20's black American colleague from Detroit. Maybe it will with a 21-year old white underling from a small hick town on the American countryside - as long as the novelty remains. I am just not the one.

Speaking of novelty...in talking to Brooke, I thought also of something else. It might even be that for the girl, she is looking for novelty, and of course with a 30-year-old PhD candidate in social sciences from an exotic country, it's the ultimate novelty for her. But I'm 26, and way past novelty. Sure, I thought it was neat getting to know someone from country I only knew previously for its soccer team and Russian-ish names. But I never felt that he was better than me, or that he didn't eat, drink, sleep, and use the bathroom just like everyone else. Besides, I grew up with foreigners, and I couldn't have cared less if he came from the moon. I did the novelty thing when I was 17. It wasn't a foreign thing, it was a "Westside Story" thing (wrong side of the tracks)...he was from a rich Grosse Pointe family and I was from a working-class family in the city of Detroit. It was neat at first, but quickly the novelty wore off and we had little in common. After you do it once, you recognize it for what it is, and you learn that novelty doesn't make a relationship.

Although Nikolai complains about people thinking he's the type who is out to screw his young students, apparently he wouldn't be above that. Bottom line is that as it is, basically Nikolai is playing the role of the exotic 30-year-old teacher who is giving an adult education to a 21-year-old innocent. He is too much of a boy and not enough of a man to deal with a woman who is at or near his stage in life. It goes to show that I am more quality than Nikolai could ever hope to have.

360

So, it's been eight years, one month, since graduating high school, four years, one month since graduating college, three years and ten months since first moving to cincinnati, one year, one month since passing exams and moving towards candidacy, and eight months, seven days since losing my father. All I can do is shrug.

I think Alex moved to Kentucky for his residency, but I'm not sure, and I try not to really care. Nikolai is now my housemate, but only until I move back to Michigan. I have a job waiting for me, although I think I'm going to need one more to really make it. Since the job is teaching one 3-cr course down in Toledo, I don't think that trying to find one more small thing will be a problem. I am looking forward to being closer to my family, and I'll feel better being where I can help my mom out, but at the same time, the whole idea of moving back home doesn't do much for my pride.

In any case, I can't help but have the feeling that I just don't belong. I don't belong here. I also feel like living in Cincinnati has been a waste of the past four years. I wish that something could happen between now and then that will show me that the time I spent here was not for nothing.

October

So much has happened since I last wrote. So much. My father passed away back at the end of October, sort of unexpectedly. I talked to him one night, and by morning he was dead. Apparently, it was a heart attack, although what triggered it is an unknown. It was the strangest thing.

And I knew at that point that I would never be the same.

I think about my dad every day. I dream about him almost all the time. It reminds me a lot of what he used to say about how much he missed his mother. I miss him, and I would give anything to have him back. But at the same time, I have come into my own as an adult. I feel a weird kind of freedom. I don't have to worry about worrying my dad anymore with the decisions I make. My mom thinks about me, to be sure. But at the same time, she was an independent woman before she met my dad, and so she accepts the fact that I'm going to live my life. So I feel like a real-life adult for the first time in my life - and I feel a confidence I've never felt before.

My mom and brother are moving to the suburbs this month, and at the end of August, I'll probably be joining them, at least long enough to finish my dissertation. Then I'll be looking for jobs, preferably outside the Midwest, and optimally outside the US. Well, at least that's the plan.

I started dating again. I went on a couple of dates, breaking my dateless streak of exactly seven years. The guy was really nice, but we related as buddies, not as potential romantic partners. It just wasn't going to work. But at least I'm out there.

Things are normalized between myself and Nikolai. The "like" was a passing thing...I guess I'm sexually attracted to werewolves. So these days, I feel nothing. As far as my friendship with him goes, it's back to an associateship of sorts. Have I forgotten what he did? No. But at the same time, I chalk it up to the kind of person he is. He's egotistical, a sycophant and an ultra-conformist. I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing...it is what it is. I can talk to him on a somewhat surfacy level, and we're more than willing to help each other out when need be. But that's as far as it goes. And that is fine with the both of us.

But Alex and I are a completely different story.

I thought that everything was perfect between he and I. And then my dad died. Alex was there to listen to me, and he was helpful through that situation. But then, he started to go on a dating website, and met someone he was really into for no other reason but the striking nature of her eyes. And that did bother me on a deep level. Going on a dating website is something a person does when they have a hard time meeting people in real life. I had been in Alex's life for seven years, but I didn't exist as a woman. And that was hard. Then, a month and a half ago, he and I went out for drinks, and then got into a conversation. In the course of the conversation, he said something really offensive about me, something I hadn't heard since Mark. And to make it worse, he said that my standards were too high and I should settle because of my weight.

At that point, I was through. He would later claim that what he said was purely philosophical. No, it was personal. It came down to one fact - after over seven years of us knowing each other, he only cared about my appearance, and he could not accept me for who I was. I said this to him, and all he could say was "okay." My investment in the friendship was a waste of time. And I could not afford to waste any more time. It took me two weeks to tell him that I did not want to be his friend anymore. But I did it.

You know, I'm not sure if he believed me. But I can't worry about that. Life's too short for bullshit. I have to believe that God has better in store for me, and I have to take hold of that.