Agreements

Lately a lot of things have been going on with my life. A few things have occurred relevant to this blog.

First of all, about a week and a half ago, I realized something. I've been settling. A friend of mine basically said that the kind of man I should want is one who sees me as so valuable and precious that he cannot pass me up. The kind of man I should desire is one who first of all, loves God, and secondly, has the will to pursue me with zeal. A man's love for me should point to God's even greater love for me. Anything less is in fact settling.

Then last week Sunday, the pastor spoke about making agreements with Satan. A lot of times we get a bad feeling about ourselves, or someone treats us badly, and negative things pop into our heads, such as "you're not attractive enough," or "no man will ever love you." And we agree with it, like thinking that "oh, that must be true about me." We exchange the truth for a lie.

I've done that for most of my life, as long as I can remember. And I realized that I have bought into the lie that my weight and my unusual appearance makes me, makes me unattractive, unworthy for a mate. That I should go for what I can get rather than go for what is the best. I am a child of God, made in His image. I look like Him. Much like I look like my earthly father, I look like my Heavenly Father too. Since my Heavenly Father is a perfect father who loves to give good gifts to His children, than why should I put up with scraps?

Ich bin eine Prinzessin.

That opened my eyes. It really did. Yeah, Alex has great attributes. But what is even more important is how he treats me. He doesn't see me or appreciate me for who I am, he doesn't value me the way I should be valued. He bothers me when it's convenient. He chooses to date another woman, to show off another woman, while still not wanting to leave me...quite...alone. Why should I be so happy when he calls, to get whatever little pieces of himself he wants to give? Why should I be second-best? I'm not second-best because God didn't make me second-best. So why should I accept that from Alex? Either he's in or he's out. He can't have it both ways.

My parents asked me about Alex a few days ago. So did one of my good friends. I hadn't heard from him since mid-December. Did I care? No. I wasn't going to chase after him. I felt that if he was going to be with another woman, he had no use for me. And if he was so willing to pass me up, then I had no use for him either. I hadn't heard from him since before the new year, and I wasn't going to make the effort anymore.

So late last night my phone rings, and lo and behold it's Alex. Alex and I talk for a little while. I ask him about his girlfriend. She's fine. They went to all the functions together, including New Year's. Do I ever hear about how wonderful his girlfriend is? Never. It's just about what they do. I feel like it's a flashback of his past. I'm not going to put his business out on the street. But basically, it has the appearance of shadiness if you're initiating contact with a friend of the opposite sex in which there has been a history of romantic feelings or sexual tension while you're with someone else. I really don't think his girlfriend knows, but if she did there might be problems, and I don't need to be in the middle of someone else's problems. In any case, I do not want to feel like I'm anything less than special and worth a man's devotion. Alex treats me like less, and I no longer want to allow myself to accept it.