Selfishness

So I'm back in my hometown for the summer. My main goals are to relax and get myself together...mind, body, and spirit. I'm really driven to lose weight at this point. Since I found out about my potential and real health problems back in April, I've lost 16 pounds, much of it since last month. I'm feeling positive about that, and I can't wait to lose more. Once I lose about 12-13 more, I should be out of the diabetes danger zone, although I still want to lose even more. Of course, losing weight will come with its own side issues, such as how to deal with men who only desire me b/c of my lower weight. But I think that for the first time in my life, I really feel like I am capable of actually losing weight. It's not for anyone else but me, myself, and I.

Speaking of me, myself, and I, it is for that reason that I refuse to bother with Alex anymore. I'm just through. I realized it one day last month when we went out. The night was absolutely awful for many reasons. Unlike how it normally goes, where I'm feeling wonderful when we're out and miserable afterwards, I felt terrible during the outing as well as after. At first, I felt heartbroken, because it was clear to me that Alex couldn't accept me for who I was. But then I began to really consider things. When I first met Alex about 5 or 6 years ago, he was selfish, shallow, insecure, and immature. As much as he has changed in other ways since he was 19, at 25 he is still selfish, shallow, insecure, and immature. After 5 or so years of friendship, I found myself being overly focused on someone who didn't truly care for me. I cared for him, and he cared for himself. For example, I knew when Alex's Step 1 licensing exam was coming up, to the day. But when I spoke to him about a week after the outing from hell, he had no idea I even had final exams/papers coming up in two weeks. He even assumed he had to devote more time to studying than I do, even though I have never told him how often I study.

But I've gotten to the point where I need to care for myself...or at least I realize that I need to. I don't really believe that Alex is capable of concern for anyone, unless it's for himself. Even in being apologetic, he still cannot take the focus off of himself. When he called me a week or so after the outing to apologize (for what??), he said, "I'm sorry that I took advantage of the fact that you were infatuated with me." If that's not self-absorption and narcissism, I don't know what is. I just got to the point where I got tired enough to be finished. I didn't even tell him I left Cincinnati (not that he even cares, but whatever). I just cannot be bothered with someone like that. It's not to say that I don't have feelings for him anymore...I do. It's not to say that I don't occasionally feel tempted to call him or write him. But I know that for the sake of self-respect, I just can't do it.