Noticed

It's been a good while since I last wrote. It is just about winter break, I gained some weight, and then lost again. Since April I've lost a little over 20 pounds, which is definitely a good thing. I want that to keep going. I also presented at a conference in Chicago, and I might be taking another conference trip (more like a fun trip) to California for spring break.

I still have not talked to Alex. He has sent me messages on my other weblog twice, the last being a couple of days ago. I have no desire to deal with him...at...all. If just cutting him off wasn't good enough, two things have sealed the deal. The first is that he posted a really nasty post on his weblog, where he said some really racist and bigoted things. Not about my race or religion, but still disgusting nevertheless. I never knew he had it in him, but apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all.

The second has absolutely nothing to do with Alex, but it sealed his fate nevertheless. To make a long story short, last weekend a bunch of us, including Brooke, a friend I will call Nikolai, as well as Brooke's boyfriend and another friend, went out to the bars to party since another friend of ours had come to town from Chicago. To make a long story ridiculously short, apparently my night went differently than everyone else's. At some point in the night, Nikolai, with his arm around me, started talking about how Alex didn't know what he was missing, how wonderful I was, and how I was so great, and that it wasn't just a physical attraction thing, but that he liked who I was as a person. Furthermore, he said he really felt this, and that it wasn't because he had been drinking, and we should talk about it when he was sober. And then he kissed me on the cheek.

Background story...Nikolai, like Brooke, is in my grad school program, and we had come to Cincy at the same time. While he and I are in the same major, we research different types of subjects. He's in his late 20's (I think he's 28), from Eastern Europe and so he can speak at least three languages fluently. In addition, he believes in the Lord, although he is not a card-carrying member of the Religious Right. We kind of dealt with each other in passing up until last year, when we took a couple of classes together. Then this school year, since he is in his dissertation phase and has calmed down infinitely, I see him a lot more. The truth is, the past year or so, I would have flashes of attraction to him, not so much because of his appearance (he is kind of cute in a nerdy sort of way), but because of his kindness and intellect. He's a gentleman and just a really cool guy. But I left it alone because I thought he liked someone else, and I couldn't see him being remotely interested in me, of all people.

So when Nikolai said what he said over the weekend, my first reaction was almost shock. Then over the next few days, I started thinking that I needed to make sure I was clear on what he actually meant. From talking to him later on, apparently he is not as forward sober as he is while he's drinking. But at the same time, it is pretty clear that a host of possibilities exist. He is truly a great guy, and he would make a great friend. Or some other things could happen. Who knows?

But if nothing else, a man of quality finally noticed me and appreciated me for who I was. Nikolai has known of me for a little over two years, and we've only been friends for maybe one of those, if that, yet he likes me for who I am. Alex knew me for six years, yet at the end of the day he didn't know me at all, and he surely had no appreciation for me as a person. I could end up with Nikolai, or I could be with someone else. The point is that Alex is not the be-all, end-all of men, and who I am as a person is truly enough. I cut off Alex a few months ago, thinking that it would be very difficult to let him go. At first it was, but over time it has become infinitely easier.