Cheater

So I'm in the comfort of my new office at work, when I decide to check my page on a social networking site. Come to find out, Jordan (who is one of my "friends") changed his status to "in a relationship." It hasn't even been a week since we made out and almost had sex, and he's seeing someone else. Now granted, initially I couldn't be' mad because we weren't together, I live in Cincinnati and he lives in Michigan, so it wouldn't have worked anyway. At the same time, I can't say it didn't sting just a little, because considering what I saw on his page, they'd been kind of seeing each other for a while, and unbeknownst to me, I was the "other" woman.

But wait, it gets worse. I decide, in my curious nature, to do some investigating. Come to find out, Jordan and the woman, we'll call "Bertha," have been together for at least a few weeks, and they've been messing around since at least June. In mid-July, he and I had gone out on a date to see a movie, and he had said even then that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship and he liked being single. On Wednesday morning, he leaves a message for Bertha saying "I love you too." Less than an hour later, I was over his house, and thirty minutes after that, we were making out. Later on that same day, she went all out and gave him a surprise birthday party. And later on, he texts me to tell me, and implies that the person who threw it was a friend of his named "Bertha"...no mention of the title "girlfriend."

And it gets even grimier. The woman found out only three or four weeks ago that she is pregnant. I don't know if it's Jordan's baby or not, but I don't think I even want to know, either. Considering all I read, it probably is. Now that really, really pisses me off.

I was *this* close to sleeping with the guy, this close to losing my virginity. If I had done it, I would've hated myself forever. So I really dodged a bullet there...seriously. Maybe that's God's way of saying that there is nothing good about doing things that are outside of His plan for my life. It wasn't what I needed to do...so it's time to really move on and be patient for much better things.

Peace

So I moved back to Cincinnati on Wednesday. It was also Jordan's birthday. He wanted to come over my house, but I said it wasn't a great idea since my brother was around and wouldn't let us talk. So I offered to come over to his house on my way out of town to wish him a happy birthday and to say goodbye. So I went to visit him, and we talked for a little while. Then...it was almost something out of a cute romantic movie, almost like "Garden State." He finally - finally! - kissed me. We made out for a while, almost slept together, but I cut that short before it happened, and he was respectful about that (which is good). The time we spent together was good, and I enjoyed it, even the talking. It just sucks that I had to go.

I think that Jordan presents a strange case for me. I just don't know. Most of the guys I've been into are guys I've been limerent for, meaning that I was really, really dying in love with them to the exclusion of all others, while they never even realized my existence (or if they did, thought I probably shouldn't). Jordan is the first person that I've actually liked but not in a limerent way. It ebbs and flows, I think. There have been times where it seemed that Jordan liked me more than I liked him, and times in which it seemed that I liked Jordan more than he liked me. It seems, well, balanced. He is also someone that I feel really comfortable with, I can be my silly, crazy, talkative self around him. I don't feel inhibited or judged around him. That really means a lot.

That said, he and I both agreed that neither of us is interested in a relationship right now. And so for now, that's off the table, and I'm more than fine with that. I don't feel tied down to anything, and for once in my life, I don't feel compelled to seek a relationship with anyone. At the same time, a part of me does miss him. When I get my own place (I'm living with roommates for now), I may invite him down here to visit. But for the most part, I like things the way they are right now. We aren't "together," but we're not exactly platonic either.

I talked to Nikolai today (Saturday). He is doing okay. His life is kind of in limbo/transition, and he admitted he had a rough year due to the situation with Pat. At the same time, he did admit his culpability in the situation, and considering the circumstances he appears no worse for wear. He also was happy to hear that my year went a lot better than his, and he gave me valuable advice on preparation for the academic job market.

To an extent, I grew a little bit of a conscience. On one hand, I don't feel the same way about him than I once did. I also still don't feel the least bit sorry for him. At the same time, that is still a lot to endure, and I don't feel right relishing in his pain. Even when people get what they deserve, God does not rejoice in their suffering but is there alongside them in their suffering. Furthermore, although Nikolai didn't treat me right, I was also someone he respected because of what he considered to be my good heart. Even Brooke said that he would mention me and had nothing but good things to say about me. While he doesn't deserve my friendship (and I think he knows this), I am not him and I need to be a better person than he is.

Does that mean we're now the best of friends? No. Does it mean that I will start talking to him again? No. Does it mean I trust him again? No. At the same time, how much pain does he have to experience for me to be satisfied that he has suffered enough? The situation with Pat is beyond anything I could have dreamed up as far as "God's vengeance" is concerned. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to let it go.

Reaping

So I talked to Brooke earlier. She's moving out of the country with her new husband within the next few months, since he got a well-paying job overseas. She was giving me the update on everyone in Cincinnati, including Nikolai.

So Nikolai was going to do right by Pat and marry her for the sake of the unborn baby. He enlists the help of his dissertation chair to get him a teaching job at a college near where her parents live, in rural Ohio near the Pennsylvania border. He moves there away from his friends and most everyone else he knows here in the States, and gets an apartment set up for the new family. As the birth neared, he stated his intention to marry her, and he was searching for an engagement ring to make it official.

In the eighth month of her pregnancy, Pat reveals to Nikolai that the baby may not be his. She confesses that while they were seeing each other, she was also carrying on a sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend. While Nikolai was shocked, he decided to stay on for the birth. When the baby was born the next month, he was there, cut the cord and everything.

Not long after the birth, Pat gets a paternity test to see if the baby is indeed Nikolai's. Come to find out, Nikolai is not the father of the child. She asks him if he wants to adopt the child and raise it as if it is his. After thinking about it for a couple of days, Nikolai declines. Pat and the baby move out of the apartment and in with her parents.

So basically, Nikolai is stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a tiny town, at a tiny Christian college for at least a year. And all of this over a woman.

It makes me think of a joke Chris Rock told where he says that "men lie the most; women tell the biggest lies." And then he goes on to say that men might lie about something like if he's over his friend's house when he's really not, whereas women will tell a lie like "it's your baby!"

I don't revel in Nikolai's pain, at least I try not to. However, I don't feel bad for him, and this is why. I remember when I first discovered he was dating Pat (discovered b/c he didn't come out and say it, I had to stumble upon it). He said that he thought she was average-looking, but he just wanted the companionship. Later on, a few nights before I moved, he makes the comment to me that he got off on the fact that she was much younger than him. He figured he could kind of mentor her, etc., in lots of ways. I summarized it to him like this, "It's like having a kid you can fuck."

Nikolai thought he had one over on Pat, that he could be "Daddy" in life and in the bedroom. But she played the heck out of him, and now, at least for the time being, his life is screwed.

I also feel, to a degree, vindicated. He led me on from December of 2005, and when our relationship didn't turn out the way he planned, his attitude did a 180. He lied about having a fiance somewhere else, and then later, he figured I wasn't good enough for him to date. In his opinion, I didn't make good dating material because I was his equal intellectually and because of my looks. He berated me for passing out at the wrong time, which I couldn't see coming because of an unforeseen health issue. Dealing with his betrayal almost cost me a passing grade on my qualifier and a year-long academic fellowship. On top of that, I spent the fellowship year dealing with my father's death, and then on top of that deal with having to see someone who betrayed my trust. He figured that I should just "get over" what he did and act like everything was cool, just as he was flaunting his new girlfriend in my face.

But here's the irony of it. If Nikolai had dated me, I would have never done that to him. Even if I had slept with him, I would not have done so without insisting on protection, and I don't believe in two-timing anyone. He didn't want to be with me, in part, because being with me would have been like "fucking the Virgin Mary." He wanted to go for the easy thing, not for someone who would challenge him and make him a better man. Nikolai made his bed, and now he must lie in it.

Rehabilitation

Shockingly enough, it looks like I will be moving back to Cincinnati, and soon. I accepted a year-long position at a university in the area, and will also be teaching part-time for my school's department. I'm excited about the position, and I feel good, for the most part, about the move.

This past year has been a rehabilitation of sorts. I remember leaving Cincinnati with my tail between my legs, my entire emotional and spiritual self torn to shreds due to the toxic relationships I experienced with Alex and Nikolai.

I think that these days, while I am not a fan of men in general, my image of them is somewhat more balanced. I've begun to learn how to be friends with men again. The truth is that while most of my friends are women, I often feel like I have more to talk about with men than with women. I have more in common with them. Men will talk about harder issues, and even their small talk is more interesting...fighting, action movies, actors, singers and personalities I've actually heard of. Women, on the other hand, tend to talk about their families, and fluffy things on TV. I can identify with neither.

Also, I have become more convinced that men are capable of seeing my beauty. Not only Jordan, but others as well. I've been approached by other men, and I have begun to learn how to speak to men I find attractive.

Speaking of Jordan, I'm also friends with a couple of his friends that he grew up with (although met by different avenues)..."Gary" and "Jimmy." Gary works with Jordan. He is well-educated, kind of quiet and serious, but a nice guy. Gary is always hanging out with Jimmy. Jimmy can be cool when he wants to be, he's kind of hometown bound, and he can be a little bit of a dick, but otherwise, he's not a bad guy. He's animated, has good stories, and he's great with kids.

Gary reminds me of a cross between Alex and Alex's best friend (he looks like Alex's best friend, but kind of acts like Alex), but I have zero feelings for him, probably because he seems to lack any kind of belief in himself. Jimmy is so not my type physically...short, stubby, tattooed and blond, like a mini chunky Eminem. He reminds me of Matt without the drugs. But I had found myself having a mini-crush on him, probably because he's a dick who thinks he's the best thing since fried ice cream. I notice I tend to be attracted to assholes, probably because they act self-assured and have a take-charge attitude. I think that Jimmy does notice me to some degree - I can tell he pays attention, and he notices things about me, etc. At the same time, I would never date him even if he liked me (which I don't believe he does anyway but I could be wrong)...I don't want to date assholes anymore, and besides, he's a manwhore. While I'm not stuck on my guy being a virgin (the chances of meeting a decent, sane man my age who is a virgin is slim to none), I have no desire to be a notch on his belt either.

If nothing else, living in Michigan has helped me to develop a more balanced view of men (to a degree, although some of my dating experiences sucked). More than that, I have a more balanced perspective on my time in Cincinnati. Surely, it sucked, but at the same time, the primary reasons why the time sucked involved the things that happened to me while I lived there. Alex and Nikolai, finding out about my health/fertility (or lack thereof), losing my father...it was a lot to take in and very difficult to process. Does it mean that it will be so bad the second time around? Probably not, prayerfully not. On one hand, I do hope that something great will happen. At the same time, I don't expect that it will. No expectations. I plan on teaching a great course and finishing school. That's the extent of it.