Karma

"His judgment cometh, and that right soon."

Since August, I have started my life back up again in Michigan. It's a time of transition for me. I'm working on my dissertation...slowly but surely. I'm also working two part-time jobs - I teach a political science course twice a week an hour away from where I live, and I substitute teach for a local public school system. It keeps me sane. I also talk to old friends occasionally, and meeting new ones as well.

I have no intention of staying in Michigan long-term, although at times I wish I could settle down. However, now is not the time, really. Once I finish school, I will want to start a real job, and chances are, it won't be in Michigan. So while I do get lonely at times, realistically it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone.

Alex and I no longer speak, and I don't even know where he lives. Occasionally I think about him - where he is, what he's doing, what his life looks like - but not enough to take time out to look for him. It is true that he was in my life for a long time. But at the same time, nothing lasts forever.

Brooke and her boyfriend are now engaged and will be getting married over the summer. I'm happy for both of them, especially for Brooke...of all people, she really deserves to have someone that makes her happy.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a message from Nikolai on a social networking site. Apparently, he took the time to actually look me up and find me, and wanted to be one of my online "friends." Rather than accept, I chose to deny. It's not that I'm still angry...I'm not. It's just that I now live in Michigan and I'm looking to move on with my life, and frankly he is no longer a part of my life now (nor do I want him to be). I need to be healthy mentally and emotionally, and I cannot have people in my life that will derail that, especially considering that I have no obligation towards him now that we no longer live in the same city or state.

However, that is not the end of Nikolai's story.

Brooke called me earlier today. Apparently, Nikolai got Pat pregnant. Pat told him she was on birth control, but she didn't tell him that she didn't take it regularly. They had unprotected sex a few times, even though at the time they hadn't been together long and barely knew each other. Then, a few months later, she came up pregnant. She is now five months along.

In Nikolai's mind, leaving Pat with the baby is out of the question. He feels that he is obligated to marry her, but she doesn't want to get married. Also, her parents want to raise the child until she finishes college. The crazy thing about it is that the father of the child is 30 years old and definitely old enough to raise a child without shifting the responsibility to the child's grandparents. It is a product of the fact that he impregnated a woman who is barely an adult. At the same time, Nikolai doesn't have a real job, and he has yet to finish his degree. Having a child means he will have to make tough decisions, and that may delay or derail his academic progress.

Brooke feels bad for him, but frankly, I don't. In a strange way, I believe that he has reaped what he has sown. It's not so much the baby in and of itself - children are a blessing. At the same time, the fact is that for once in his life, Nikolai is coping with a problem that is not simple to solve. For the past few years, he has shown himself to be someone who has no problem judging other people and criticizing them for their faults.

Nikolai used personal and sensitive information about my life to gain my trust and my interest, and then when he figured I was no longer useful to him, he wasted no time throwing me under the bus. He later decided to rub his then-new relationship in my face, and then couldn't understand why I refused to take his hurtful and insulting actions lying down. He had the nerve to criticize Brooke about her academic progress knowing that she was going through a contentious and rather nasty divorce. He made his comments about a long-time colleague who was in a marriage of convenience. He could not understand why a friend he grew up with had a difficult time moving on with life after the death of a parent. He had ready-made answers for another friend and colleague who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend in the middle of his candidacy.

He had a great deal to say about people whose lives did not turn out as planned and were not able to fix it easily. However, Nikolai himself was an only child who never truly struggled in life, and dealt with challenges through duplicity, deception and charm. He was always able to plan out his life and it would succeed as planned, and so he could not understand why other people dealt with failure.

I do not take joy in Nikolai's pain. However, I do not feel sympathy for a man who relishes in inflicting pain upon others. One cannot expect to live life almost sociopathically and not receive the energy they give out.

Suffering is part of the human condition...everyone has their turn to suffer, to struggle, to worry, to watch their dreams die. Nikolai was not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. And yet, the situation he is currently in is of his own doing. Because of his actions, everything he has worked for is in jeopardy. He is now forced to find a new direction because of a mistake he has made.

The worst - or maybe best - aspect of the situation is this: for the first time, he is forced to confront the fact that he is no better than the rest of us.