So most likely I won't leave Cincinnati. I don't think that God is finished with me yet.
Part of the reason why I've wanted to leave is Alex. I'm just now starting to be honest with myself and allow myself to feel the pain. So much of the city reminds me of him - somewhere we've gone, something he said. Five years wasted. I would give almost anything to forget that this chapter of my life ever happened, to leave this place and never look back. But at the same time I need to face my demons. As I have learned from previous experience, I can't run away from my problems.
With each passing day I hate Alex more and more. I know that's not healthy. But it's the truth. Hate is not the opposite of love, it's just love twisted. Because when you hate someone, you actually care. I hate how he's treated me, I hate how he seems to think that he's doing me a favor, "the right thing," by being my friend. I don't think he values me, really, except as an ego booster. I really resent that a lot. Five years of friendship and he sees in me nothing of beauty, value, or appreciation. Nothing. That is really what hurts the most. Although I value the friendship, I feel that it has come at too high a cost.
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a weblog chronicle of the experiences and limerent thoughts of a woman from the midwest
2 comments:
Hate is not the ultimate solution for anything. Its not going to provide u the relief of not being with someone u always thought of ur close friend, or even more than that.
I read all the three posts out here, and I feel that all thru all these experiences, God is sending u a message which might be like, you have to deal with certain kind of individuals, 2 of which u have alrady come across, can u withstand the effect due to them? coz if u can, tht wud only mean that u know how to handle relationships, how to mark boundaries and if something like this happens u have the strength to withstand it.
Maybe u deserve someone more better than Alex, or someone u think was Alex, is yet to come in ur life. Its very easy for me to say, forget the hatred and remember only the good times u had with him, but I know its very tough.
5 yrs is a long period for relationships like this, mine was just 10 months and believe me its only 40 days now after the breakup, its still very hard to forget the moments I spent with her.
As my friends suggested to me, time is good healer.
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