2005

2005 seems to have started out somewhat like 2004. Friends from undergrad are getting engaged. Not too long ago, a friend from undergrad, "Bunny," started a romantic relationship with this guy she's been into a long time, a guy named "Dirk." Dirk is one of Alex's friends. On one hand I was happy for them. I knew that Bunny really liked Dirk and had been into him for a long time. On the other hand, it was just another reminder of how things are working out in the love department of others but not myself. In any case, though, recently I had a dream that Bunny and I were talking, and she was telling me that she was getting married. I told her I was happy for her, but I remember feeling a deep sense of sadness.

The other day, I was able to surf the web uninhibited for the first time in about two weeks. I looked on the recent blogs and found that Bunny's best friend "Mary" was getting married to another guy we knew from undergrad. That's wonderful. But at the same time, I was fighting against that sense of sadness that threatened to take hold of me. Both Mary and her fiance are younger than me. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I don't really ask for a whole lot in life. I don't care about being rich or powerful, or attaining fame, I care about my work but I don't care if I become well known in my field either. I just want to love and to be loved, to have companionship and support, to have a family of my own, and at times I feel as if it's too much to ask.

I decided over the break to go into counseling/therapy, mainly to get over Alex. Yeah, it's weird, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get over him so I can move on with my life in a fuller way. I've got to.