Revelations

Spending time with someone outside of the environment you typically spend time with them in is a wonderful thing. You find out so much about the people you're with, and you get a fuller picture of who they are. I had this happen with Alex a number of years back, both at retreats and in a big way when I moved to Cincinnati.

Last week I was out in California with Nikolai and a couple of other friends. I loved California a lot, I really did. The atmosphere was really awesome, the scenery was perfect, the weather was great, and it was a kind of beauty I don't think I've ever seen before. I could live there.

My friends figured that this trip would be make-or-break for Nikolai and myself. That is very true. To make a long story very short, some things were confirmed and other impressions were altered. It was confirmed that Nikolai does put me on a pedestal, which totally isn't cool. To some extent, that changed in California, as he found that I wasn't perfect, but he did say that even with that, his vision of me hasn't changed that much. I'm not sure what to make of that.

But the alterations were worse. I found out what was behind the wall, and I don't like it at all. It's really dirty, and it's not right. I'm really shocked, actually. I also noticed a side of him I really despise. I never put him on a pedestal, but I thought he was a man of maturity and character. However, the Nikolai I met in California is not the Nikolai I have been getting know in Cincinnati. The Nikolai revealed to me in California is a shallow, egotistical, immature, chauvinistic hypocrite. He's selfish and closed-minded, and thinks he's God's gift to women. He is the kind of person who just takes up space and air instead of trying to make a real difference in the lives of other people. He is a gutless conformist who doesn't have the balls to stand up against what is wrong. He makes Alex look like Mother Teresa. My respect for Nikolai has shot down to zero. He is a miserable excuse for a human being. At this point, I am thoroughly disgusted with him and I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone.

I hate Nikolai with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Karma is really a bitch, and I almost feel bad for what's coming for Nikolai. But then again, when it comes, a part of me would love to watch. Schadenfreude...

Trust

So, basically, not a lot is going on, except my need to finish my assignments for the end of the quarter and my struggle to do so. Finding out about my friend's engagement kind of amplified my usual finals-week depression, and I spent the weekend contending with writer's block induced by the news. This has made me fall behind on my work, which I don't particularly like. But what to do? I often think about the lack of companionship in my life...the idea of accomplishing great things with no one to share it with or no one to support me along the way...it kind of makes me sad.

Friday night, Nikolai and I went out to see a friend perform at a coffeehouse/bar up the street from where I live. It was really neat...he and I were talking about each other's life, etc. It kind of was like a date, but not really, because we didn't call it a date, and the intent wasn't romantic, per se. Then later, Brooke and Ali showed up. The music was cool, and the night was fun.

The next day, I was immobile, for the most part, and I couldn't stop crying. Partly because of my mourning over six years of my life wasted because I thought God spoke to me. Partly because my life seems pretty complicated yet monotonous. I later calmed down, but it just wasn't working.

Wall

"Why are you not out here dating?"

"...I don't want to talk about it."

I cannot believe that those seven words came out of Nikolai's mouth. Those words never come out of him. Shockingly enough, I was able to silence the king of gab. And I wasn't even trying.

But the thing is, I wonder what's behind that wall.

Residuals

So yesterday my friend told me she just got engaged to be married. Unlike how it always seems to happen (where someone who doesn't think about getting married gets married), she really wanted to get married...I think she has been more single-minded about that than I am. But here's the thing...she's only known her now-fiance for a month, and she says that the Lord told both of them that they were to be married. I believe that these things can happen, and considering the amount of confirmation they received, I think it did happen to them. I'm happy for my friend, I really am. She is a great person with a wonderful heart...she deserves this. I wish her and her fiance the best.

But honestly, I have not been taking the news very well. Not at all. I think that is because the whole Alex situation is not completely out of my system. I want to clarify this point. I do believe I'm "over" Alex. My feelings for him are neither love nor hate, but neutral. I don't really miss him, and I don't miss the drama. I think that not being with him is the best thing for me; within the weirdship I was not receiving the respect and acceptance that any human being deserves. I also think that, for the most part, I'm over the situation. I liked him, he didn't like me back. It was what it was.

However, I think that there are residuals. A major part of the reason I stayed friends with Alex as long as I did is because I thought Alex was "the one." I felt like it was something God said and confirmed. I waited over five years, attempting to be as patient as possible, while I watched Alex stubbornly refuse to see me for who I was. My family, friends, and ex-friends ridiculed me for this decision to my face and behind my back. I believed in my heart of hearts that things would work out and that I would be vindicated and redeemed, to the glory of God.

But in the end, that's not exactly what happened. As a matter of fact, that's not what happened at all. I moved to Cincinnati, and everything fell apart. "The one" ended up going de facto atheist on me, couldn't get over his ex-girlfriend who had gotten married on him five years ago, while at the same time dating random girls and ignoring my womanhood. And it wasn't just that he didn't like me back; he was repulsed by the idea of me liking him. And, he had no idea why this might be a problem.

Believe it or not, I'm not angry at Alex. But I am angry and a little bitter at how it turned out. I spent six years on something I believed truly was from God with absolutely nothing to show for it (except a 50-pound weight gain). While I know in my head that God is faithful, I feel in my heart that I got played. If God didn't say it and I got it all wrong, why didn't He fill me in and allow me to go down the wrong road for so long? Why would He allow me to come out looking like a complete idiot, instead of making things right?

My friends and family around my age have developed a habit in the past couple of years of getting married. Like the friend I first mentioned, most of them have known their spouses for a shorter period of time than I had been in my weirdship with Alex. Some of them are younger than me. They talk a lot about trusting God and knowing He put them together. The worst thing about the situation with Alex is that, after all that has happened, I just don't have the same confidence in my ability to hear God's voice clearly. I like Nikolai a lot, and I think he likes me. But I don't know if I can even trust my judgment on that. Furthermore, I ask God where things are going with my friendship with him, but I don't know if I would even know if He gave me the answer. I feel like I'm in a crisis of faith.

"Be patient, your day will come" doesn't work anymore. I don't think it ever did...it's the worst piece of advice I have ever heard in life...it's like rubbing salt into an open wound. I need answers - that is all I need. I am just so tired of the bullshit.

Pedestal

On Friday, it became more clear how much pull I have with Nikolai. To make a long story short, I was out with some friends and associates at a local bar. I was told by one of the guys that Nikolai decided not to show because he had a bunch of work to get done that he was behind on. So I gave him a call, and he told me what was going on. So I told him to go ahead with what he was doing, and if he wanted to take a break whenever, just give me a call. So, he asked me where I was (to which I told him), and then said that he was on his way home, but he would stop by the bar to show his face briefly. So, a few minutes later, he showed up at the bar. So he greets everyone, gets a beer, and sits down. He then proceeds to tell me that he had been debating with himself whether or not to go, but when I called him and he found out I was there, he decided to show up. That kind of made me blush and smile :-). He is so sweet...I guess that on whatever level, I matter to him.

I've kind of started to think about this. I had been working hard to make sure I didn't put Nikolai on a pedestal, that I wasn't going to think he was bigger and better than he was. I think I've done a good job of that so far, although I admit that I am smitten by his wit and charm. But maybe I shouldn't be worried about me; maybe I should be worried about him. I'm not saying this to sound conceited, because I don't think I'm all that at all. But after hearing stuff from him about how "good," "pure," and "nice" I am, I really do wonder. To be sure, it's nice that he likes me on whatever level. But I would hate for him to see that I'm not all that great. I have done dirt, I have enemies, I have been shady, I sin and I have had carnal thoughts. I'm not "pure," I'm human. And I really hope he knows that, because I don't want to live up to an image that doesn't truly reflect me.