Epiphany

A couple of nights ago, I had what my friend Brooke calls an "epiphany."

I was driving home late at night from seeing a movie with friends. My head was actually pretty empty. I wasn't doing much in the way of thinking. And it dawned on me.

I haven't been able to get over Alex because I haven't been completely honest. Alex is a crappy friend that I don't need to associate with. He treats me the way he does because I let him, plain and simple.

The reason why this relationship has been so full of tension this past five years is because Alex could not get over himself. Every problem that he and I have had has centered around whether or not I'm still interested in him. When I moved to Cincinnati, Alex did not care if I was settling into the city okay, or if I was adjusting well. All he cared about was the idea that I moved to the city because of him.

He has also taken my realness for weakness. The very fact that he knows I have a past and that I have problems with men makes him believe that I'm "fragile," somehow weaker than other women we know, i.e. Bunny.

My "crisis" of future really made things clear. The friends I have made here have made it clear that they want me to stay. My best friends up north want me to move there and be with them. By contrast, Alex never wanted me to move here to begin with, and when I told him that I might be moving, he seemed a little too happy. He wanted to ship me off to DC.

And the last thing...my friends appreciate me. I love my friends and my acquaintances. They have told me, or at least treated me, as if I matter. They see something good in me. By contrast, Alex has said that being my friend after he rejected me is "the right thing to do." At the time, I didn't catch that totally, or really think about what it meant. But I've realized recently that it basically means that he thinks that he's doing me a favor, that he feels like he's my friend because he has to, not because he wants to. He sees nothing in me worth being treasured, he's taking pity on me. In other words, being my friend is not about me, it's about him.

When I was talking to Brooke, she said something to me that makes sense. In a friendship, it is okay to focus on their well-being more than your own. But if the other person doesn't do the same, there will come a time when you will begin to resent the imbalance and you will cease to care. I don't care anymore. If Alex doesn't care, why should I?