As Alanis Morrisette says, "Life has a funny way of helping you out."
So after the weekend spent with Jordan, everything was pretty much over. He and Bertha are moving into a house together in the same neighborhood, and they're going to make their life together. I ended up being the odd woman out. To be expected, but it really hurt a lot.
I spent the week following my trip to Michigan on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I was either crying or sleeping, with little else in between. Sunday was the worst. I spent most of the day asleep, and almost missed my friend's dinner party, where Brooke's husband was coming back to town from central Asia, and Nikolai was breezing into town as well. It was great seeing the both of them. And the funny thing was that Nikolai and I were sitting around and share war stories about liars and babies. Even he said that it was bad to see that happen to someone like me, and I'll meet someone better. So the time spent was great. But later that night, I went home, couldn't sleep, began to cry uncontrollably, felt paralyzed with hopelessness, and thought I was losing my mind. I was at the end of my rope and I had to do something.
The next day, I went to the doctor for a routine physical. She put me on medication to calm me down, and referred me to a therapist. I've been on the medication for two days and already I'm feeling better. I'm also looking forward to the therapy as well.
I know it's a little early for reflection, but I'm doing it anyway. While I still feel sad about what happened with Jordan, I think that meeting him, dating him, becoming romantic with him, and then finding out about him - collectively speaking - Jordan was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. Somewhere in Cincinnati (the first stint) I lost my mind. I had lost faith in God, which is the foundation of a healthy life. I was battling some form of depression, and I figured that if I found a person who could make me happy, it would help. In Michigan, I met Jordan, who in retrospect, I was sexually compatible with, but not compatible with in most other areas of life. But I did not know what the feeling was, and I felt great with him, so I took it for what it was worth and then some.
I am a doctoral candidate in the social sciences and he was a slacker with a dead-end job. This was a guy who, as Brooke would say, has an online "boob gallery." What was I doing with him? While I am not an elitist, the fact was that Jordan was not good enough for me, not by a long shot. i had everything to offer and he had nothing to offer but great sex. Even after finding out that he had a drug-addicted, insane, "baby mama" girlfriend that he refused to leave, I still stayed with him. I continued to be sexually intimate with him and I almost lost my virginity to him. And then he decided to make it work with her and he was effectively done with me, after I made it clear to him I no longer wanted to be his fuck buddy. Combine the "breakup" with the impending two-year anniversary of my father's death, and you get a nervous breakdown.
Since getting help, I am starting to see my life a little differently. I have not been myself since my father died. I have been making decisions that are stupid, self-destructive and potentially deadly.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Intimacy
It is so easy sometimes to talk about people who allow themselves to be a party to affairs and cheating, who fight so hard for what is not theirs, even knowing that if they had this person, he or she would still cheat. Once a cheater, always a cheater...and yet, people jump into it anyway. Christine Beatty did it, my professor did it, at least two of my family members did it. And I did not get it, but now, I think I do.
Yes, it's selfishness to some degree, but it's something deeper. I wonder if for these women, it wasn't that they didn't care about hurting anyone, but that they saw something in one man that they could not find anywhere else, and the only thing standing in their way was that this man belonged to someone else.
I originally intended not to bother with Jordan after the situation with Bertha came to light. It was completely against my moral code, it was a sin in every sense of the word. To have romantic relations with him knowing he was with another woman would be the worst thing - by far - I would have ever done. I did not think I could backtrack into a purely platonic relationship with him, and for that I did not think I could deal with him at all.
At the same time, one of my personality flaws is that I have a very hard time saying goodbye. Also, there was something about Jordan that made it hard to just give up, even though any chance of he and Bertha breaking up and he and I being together instead would be slim to none. Yes, it was the fact that I liked him and felt comfortable with him the same time. But it was also something else that I could not put a finger on until yesterday. When he and I kissed the day I moved back to Cincinnati, it was different than any other kiss I have had. I have kissed two other men besides Jordan. My first kiss sucked. The second person I kissed was Matt, and he was a great kisser to be sure. Jordan is also a good kisser, but it wasn't so much his technique, but it was something else. It felt like I was kissing myself - maybe not myself, but it felt like Jordan was an extension of myself. I wasn't sure exactly why that was until yesterday.
Yesterday I came back to Michigan to visit for the weekend. Jordan and I talked about getting together to hang out, so I went to visit him. We spent over five hours together...kissing, making out, touching, pretty much everything but full-on intercourse. Yes, we took breaks, but for the most part, it was lots of sexual acts and just closeness. Yes, he made me feel good, and he knew how to get me going without me telling him how. It got to the point (x-rated stuff coming) that he and I were grinding naked, genital contact without penetration, very close to sex, to where we both climaxed (x-rated stuff over).
I don't feel like a bad person, even though what I did was probably the worst thing I have ever done by a long shot. Somehow I feel like I have my own share of karma coming for this one...although I'm hoping that the good will balance it all out (but whatever). It's bad enough that I'm a bit worried/paranoid that I could have gotten pregnant since I was ovulating and Jordan did climax near the opening to the vaginal canal...maybe that'll be what I get for this and my life will really be a mess.
At the same time, I think I know now what the feeling is when I'm with Jordan. It's intimacy. I'm not just talking about the almost sex, I'm talking about when we kiss, when he touches me, when he looks into my eyes and softly touches my face, when he lays his shiny head into my bosom. Matt was a good kisser, but he felt kind of foreign, and I think it was because I did not feel comfortable with him, I did not feel the intimacy. But I feel that with Jordan. I'm not saying I love him or that he is my soulmate. But I will say this - for the first time in my life, I found someone that it feels right with. But the question is if it is all worth the cost, because in my prudent mind, I cannot see how this can end well.
Yes, it's selfishness to some degree, but it's something deeper. I wonder if for these women, it wasn't that they didn't care about hurting anyone, but that they saw something in one man that they could not find anywhere else, and the only thing standing in their way was that this man belonged to someone else.
I originally intended not to bother with Jordan after the situation with Bertha came to light. It was completely against my moral code, it was a sin in every sense of the word. To have romantic relations with him knowing he was with another woman would be the worst thing - by far - I would have ever done. I did not think I could backtrack into a purely platonic relationship with him, and for that I did not think I could deal with him at all.
At the same time, one of my personality flaws is that I have a very hard time saying goodbye. Also, there was something about Jordan that made it hard to just give up, even though any chance of he and Bertha breaking up and he and I being together instead would be slim to none. Yes, it was the fact that I liked him and felt comfortable with him the same time. But it was also something else that I could not put a finger on until yesterday. When he and I kissed the day I moved back to Cincinnati, it was different than any other kiss I have had. I have kissed two other men besides Jordan. My first kiss sucked. The second person I kissed was Matt, and he was a great kisser to be sure. Jordan is also a good kisser, but it wasn't so much his technique, but it was something else. It felt like I was kissing myself - maybe not myself, but it felt like Jordan was an extension of myself. I wasn't sure exactly why that was until yesterday.
Yesterday I came back to Michigan to visit for the weekend. Jordan and I talked about getting together to hang out, so I went to visit him. We spent over five hours together...kissing, making out, touching, pretty much everything but full-on intercourse. Yes, we took breaks, but for the most part, it was lots of sexual acts and just closeness. Yes, he made me feel good, and he knew how to get me going without me telling him how. It got to the point (x-rated stuff coming) that he and I were grinding naked, genital contact without penetration, very close to sex, to where we both climaxed (x-rated stuff over).
I don't feel like a bad person, even though what I did was probably the worst thing I have ever done by a long shot. Somehow I feel like I have my own share of karma coming for this one...although I'm hoping that the good will balance it all out (but whatever). It's bad enough that I'm a bit worried/paranoid that I could have gotten pregnant since I was ovulating and Jordan did climax near the opening to the vaginal canal...maybe that'll be what I get for this and my life will really be a mess.
At the same time, I think I know now what the feeling is when I'm with Jordan. It's intimacy. I'm not just talking about the almost sex, I'm talking about when we kiss, when he touches me, when he looks into my eyes and softly touches my face, when he lays his shiny head into my bosom. Matt was a good kisser, but he felt kind of foreign, and I think it was because I did not feel comfortable with him, I did not feel the intimacy. But I feel that with Jordan. I'm not saying I love him or that he is my soulmate. But I will say this - for the first time in my life, I found someone that it feels right with. But the question is if it is all worth the cost, because in my prudent mind, I cannot see how this can end well.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Impression
A few things have been going on as of late.
First of all, I'm sort of kind of talking to a new guy, we'll call him Pete. He's a farm boy in Indiana, about an hour away from Cincinnati. He seems nice enough, and I like talking to him. He also says he respects my decision to wait for sex until marriage, and actually says it makes him like me more, which one never sees out of a guy. At the same time, he seems a little too nice, a little too good to be true. My inner wise woman says to pay attention and be vigilant. I learned from Nikolai, and so this time I think I will listen.
Meanwhile, I talked to Jordan online earlier today. I think I feel better regarding the situation, and I've managed to get back to being centered emotionally. So it feels fine talking to him. He and I were kind of flirting and teasing each other, particularly after I kind of made a dig at him when I was talking to him about The Sims 2, where you can, among other things, make your sims cheat. It was just playing around, although I know it's not right. What can I say, it is what it is. At the same time, I have no intention of doing anything with him sexually. That would be selling myself short. And I don't want to find myself in conflict with Bertha, because as much as I don't like the situation, for me to knowingly deal with Jordan on that level would be wrong on my part. Even though I am not responsible to Bertha (Jordan is), I would not have a leg to stand on if it appeared that I was the other woman. Come to think about it, I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for us to see each other, all things considered.
Speaking of selling myself short, my mom saw Jordan at the local grocer, where he works. She went up to him and introduced herself. She said, "You probably don't know who I am." He looked at her, like "no, not really." She then said, "I'm Jaye's mother." Then he said, "oh okay."
I was first told of this encounter by Jordan in our online chat conversation. He said that he was surprised she knew who he was, and she seemed nice and he was nice to her. He then said that his impression was that he impressed her. He also made a wisecrack about the encounter, saying, "she probably knew it was me because she noticed my sexiness." Yeah, okay, whatever.
I talked to my mom later on today. She tells me, "I met Jordan today at the store. I went up to him and introduced myself. As soon as he opened his mouth, I knew that wasn't you." She then said, "You can do a lot better than him." I asked her if there was something wrong with him. She said, "No, but I just think you can do better. He's not good enough for you. Don't sell yourself short."
I find it interesting that the same encounter, while recounted consistently, elicited a totally different impression on both parties involved. Jordan thought my mom seemed nice and that he impressed her. My mom thought that while Jordan seemed fine enough, he was nowhere near good enough to date her daughter.
In particular, the conversation I had with my mom was strange for a couple of reasons. First of all, I didn't tell her about the situation with Jordan and Bertha, so I'm not sure where this "he's not good enough" comes from. I wonder what it was about him that gave her that sense. Secondly, my mom usually tells me that I shouldn't act so elitist when it comes to who I date. In her view, it shouldn't matter what the guy does, as long as he has a job. But when she met Jordan, she didn't think he was right for me. So it's kind of weird, in a way. I wonder what the deal was. She's probably right, though.
First of all, I'm sort of kind of talking to a new guy, we'll call him Pete. He's a farm boy in Indiana, about an hour away from Cincinnati. He seems nice enough, and I like talking to him. He also says he respects my decision to wait for sex until marriage, and actually says it makes him like me more, which one never sees out of a guy. At the same time, he seems a little too nice, a little too good to be true. My inner wise woman says to pay attention and be vigilant. I learned from Nikolai, and so this time I think I will listen.
Meanwhile, I talked to Jordan online earlier today. I think I feel better regarding the situation, and I've managed to get back to being centered emotionally. So it feels fine talking to him. He and I were kind of flirting and teasing each other, particularly after I kind of made a dig at him when I was talking to him about The Sims 2, where you can, among other things, make your sims cheat. It was just playing around, although I know it's not right. What can I say, it is what it is. At the same time, I have no intention of doing anything with him sexually. That would be selling myself short. And I don't want to find myself in conflict with Bertha, because as much as I don't like the situation, for me to knowingly deal with Jordan on that level would be wrong on my part. Even though I am not responsible to Bertha (Jordan is), I would not have a leg to stand on if it appeared that I was the other woman. Come to think about it, I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for us to see each other, all things considered.
Speaking of selling myself short, my mom saw Jordan at the local grocer, where he works. She went up to him and introduced herself. She said, "You probably don't know who I am." He looked at her, like "no, not really." She then said, "I'm Jaye's mother." Then he said, "oh okay."
I was first told of this encounter by Jordan in our online chat conversation. He said that he was surprised she knew who he was, and she seemed nice and he was nice to her. He then said that his impression was that he impressed her. He also made a wisecrack about the encounter, saying, "she probably knew it was me because she noticed my sexiness." Yeah, okay, whatever.
I talked to my mom later on today. She tells me, "I met Jordan today at the store. I went up to him and introduced myself. As soon as he opened his mouth, I knew that wasn't you." She then said, "You can do a lot better than him." I asked her if there was something wrong with him. She said, "No, but I just think you can do better. He's not good enough for you. Don't sell yourself short."
I find it interesting that the same encounter, while recounted consistently, elicited a totally different impression on both parties involved. Jordan thought my mom seemed nice and that he impressed her. My mom thought that while Jordan seemed fine enough, he was nowhere near good enough to date her daughter.
In particular, the conversation I had with my mom was strange for a couple of reasons. First of all, I didn't tell her about the situation with Jordan and Bertha, so I'm not sure where this "he's not good enough" comes from. I wonder what it was about him that gave her that sense. Secondly, my mom usually tells me that I shouldn't act so elitist when it comes to who I date. In her view, it shouldn't matter what the guy does, as long as he has a job. But when she met Jordan, she didn't think he was right for me. So it's kind of weird, in a way. I wonder what the deal was. She's probably right, though.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Untenable
So pretty much, nothing has changed since the last time I wrote. Jordan and Bertha are still together, and he spends his every non-working moment with her. Apparently it's to where even his friends no longer see him and he can't do the things he normally does. Bertha writes messages on his website that are, well, crazy. She says that she and Jordan will be together and "ain't no female gonna come between us - I'll make sure of that." I truly wonder how long this is going to last. This is untenable, I can see it, and apparently so does at least one of Jordan's best friends, "Janet." I have never met Janet, but I think I like her already. She says what she thinks, even on Jordan's public website, and Bertha's extremely jealous of her.
I don't think this is going to end well. See, Jordan tries to act like he is assertive, but he's actually kind of passive. Nevertheless, even a passive person can only take so much. I said to one of my friends that from Jordan's end, this will be "resolved" in one of three ways. 1. he will regularly cheat and/or live a double life; 2. he will blow up at her (ranging from verbally going off on her to killing her), or; 3. he will break up with her. For the first six months of their relationship, he seemed to have chosen number one. However, with Bertha now taking up all Jordan's time, he will eventually resort to numbers two or three. I hope it will be three, because I would hate to see anything happen to Bertha by Jordan's hand. At the same time, I have a feeling that he doesn't want to do number three, because he doesn't want for Bertha to do anything to harm herself. But I wonder if he realizes how much danger he could be in.
I don't think this is going to end well. See, Jordan tries to act like he is assertive, but he's actually kind of passive. Nevertheless, even a passive person can only take so much. I said to one of my friends that from Jordan's end, this will be "resolved" in one of three ways. 1. he will regularly cheat and/or live a double life; 2. he will blow up at her (ranging from verbally going off on her to killing her), or; 3. he will break up with her. For the first six months of their relationship, he seemed to have chosen number one. However, with Bertha now taking up all Jordan's time, he will eventually resort to numbers two or three. I hope it will be three, because I would hate to see anything happen to Bertha by Jordan's hand. At the same time, I have a feeling that he doesn't want to do number three, because he doesn't want for Bertha to do anything to harm herself. But I wonder if he realizes how much danger he could be in.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hostage
Just when I thought that I knew all there was to know in regards to Jordan and Bertha, the other shoe dropped.
Tuesday, after coming back home from work and the gym, Jordan text-messaged me to say that he had emailed me back tonight, since I had emailed him a few days earlier. He said, "Please understand that this is going to shock you. It isn't bad just explaining some things better." So I text-messaged him back to ask him "Do I really want to read this?", to which he responded "Yes."
So I read the email. In the email, Jordan confessed that he knocked up Bertha back in May, but didn't find out until mid-July. At that point, they decided to stay together for the sake of the baby. Come to find out, Bertha had gotten pregnant to trap Jordan (although he didn't exactly say how she "trapped" him in this fashion considering he's anti-condom).
Recently, due to fights over his faithfulness (although I'm still sure she doesn't know about me), her possessiveness and drug use, she soured on him. She decided to get a late-term abortion and pretty much wanted Jordan to leave her alone. He said that if she doesn't change her mind by the weekend, he's letting it go and letting everyone know he's single again. He didn't want to have a child, he didn't think he was ready for that, considering he still lives at home. At the same time, he said he'd be damned if she would raise his child without him. While the way everything went down was messed up, he said that As far as I'm concerned, he said that he wanted to put everything out on the table so there are no secrets. No matter what happens with us, he wants to be able to see me and spend time with me, and that he will make sure he makes time for me when I come back to town.
So I later talked to him on the telephone. I told him I wasn't surprised because from reading Bertha's webpage, I knew she was pregnant. I just wasn't completely sure it was his. I said to him that I was planning to ask him about it, but I didn't because I didn't think it was my place, and because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know...but I do know now. I could understand better why he was with her, considering the circumstances. He admitted to me that he met her in December, had started seeing her in March, and they were together on and off. He didn't really feel a connection with her, and she rubbed him the wrong way because right away she was jealous and possessive, and she was on drugs. Furthermore, they had very few of the same interests, and her favorite music is the same music he hates the most (country and rap). However, against his better judgment, he kept seeing her because the sex was really good.
Well, we see how well that worked...
Anyway, so we stayed on the phone for about an hour and talked a while. It was good to talk about things, whether it was about the situation with Bertha, about us, or about interests and life. It reminded me as to why I like Jordan in the first place. Even though on paper he seems so not a match for me, when we're together, whether on the phone or in person, we are just so right. It's the kind of thing I know can't be duplicated.
So since Tuesday, I've had a chance to think through everything, and take note of some developments. Bertha and Jordan have gone back and forth online the past couple of days talking about how much they love each other, yada yada, which makes me wonder what Bertha is ultimately going to do in regards to the baby and their relationship.
On one hand, I commend Jordan for wanting to stay with her for the sake of the baby, but at the same time I wonder if, considering the fact that they have such a volatile relationship, it's a really bad idea. I really think he needs to grow some balls and make some decisions regardless of those that Bertha makes. He's being taken hostage by her instability. And I feel like I'm being taken hostage by his indecisiveness.
Jordan and Bertha's relationship is like watching a really bad train wreck in slow motion.
I also have a sneaking suspicion concerning the situation, of which I don't have evidence of except for an understanding of male-female relations and human nature...as well as from my experience with silly females from in and around Detroit:-).
It dawned on me yesterday as I was talking to one of my best friends. Here are some things to consider: Bertha is very possessive and smothering (which is clear even on her webpage) towards Jordan, and then she turns around all of a sudden and says she wants to have an abortion and cut ties with him? On top of that, practically speaking, she is in her fifth month of pregnancy. It is very difficult to find a doctor that will perform a late-term abortion. In addition, she is always talking about in her messages to him how "horny" she is. But usually women don't get their super-libido until the last trimester of pregnancy. She is a big girl, too...a really big girl. I know from personal experience that many big women don't have regular periods (amenorrhea), so conceivably she wouldn't have to take that week per month to not have sex because of menstruation.
I'm wondering if she may have trapped Jordan, but not in the way he suspects. I wonder if she had invented the pregnancy so that Jordan would not leave her, because she had to know that he wasn't as interested in her as she was in him. Considering that he was continuing to sleep with her, but would not claim her as his girlfriend, would make it pretty clear to anyone, naive or not, what his intentions with her truly were. She may have been hoping that if they continued to have sex unprotected, he would get her pregnant for real. However, by the fifth month, with no pregnancy, this strategy becomes untenable and she has to find a way out. The easy way out would just to claim a miscarriage. However, considering Bertha's penchant for the dramatic, going down in a blaze of glory may seem more exciting to her.
I don't know, it's only speculation, but to be honest I don't think I will completely believe there is a real baby involved unless or until I actually see a real baby.
This whole situation seems like a good case study for the darkness of human nature, particularly the depths to which people go due to the emotions of desperation and selfishness. I also notice that even my own feelings denote a degree of less-than-noble intent. Deep inside the dark reaches of my heart, I do wish that Jordan and Bertha would break up so he could be with me. This is the first time I've really felt this kind of connection with anyone, and I don't want to lose that. At the same time, there is another part of me that knows that Jordan is, in a sense, trying to do the right thing, and I can't fault him for that at all. I do want for him to get his life together, because it is a mess and being with me isn't going to fix the things that are broken.
I told him, against every fiber of my being, that if Bertha goes through with the abortion, and they break up, he needed to be by himself for a while and not worry about dating or women. That was hard, because I would so love for him to run to me, and try to make a long-distance relationship work. But it may not be the best thing for him to rebound into something else given the seriousness and gravity of the current situation. And while I feel selfish about it, and this situation is killing me, I can't be self-serving and still be able to look in the mirror.
I wish that Bertha would just do what she's going to do and not drag Jordan through changes. I wish that Jordan had a backbone. But my wishing isn't going to change the situation. I am really considering taking a break from it all until everything is settled and I truly know what I'm dealing with.
Tuesday, after coming back home from work and the gym, Jordan text-messaged me to say that he had emailed me back tonight, since I had emailed him a few days earlier. He said, "Please understand that this is going to shock you. It isn't bad just explaining some things better." So I text-messaged him back to ask him "Do I really want to read this?", to which he responded "Yes."
So I read the email. In the email, Jordan confessed that he knocked up Bertha back in May, but didn't find out until mid-July. At that point, they decided to stay together for the sake of the baby. Come to find out, Bertha had gotten pregnant to trap Jordan (although he didn't exactly say how she "trapped" him in this fashion considering he's anti-condom).
Recently, due to fights over his faithfulness (although I'm still sure she doesn't know about me), her possessiveness and drug use, she soured on him. She decided to get a late-term abortion and pretty much wanted Jordan to leave her alone. He said that if she doesn't change her mind by the weekend, he's letting it go and letting everyone know he's single again. He didn't want to have a child, he didn't think he was ready for that, considering he still lives at home. At the same time, he said he'd be damned if she would raise his child without him. While the way everything went down was messed up, he said that As far as I'm concerned, he said that he wanted to put everything out on the table so there are no secrets. No matter what happens with us, he wants to be able to see me and spend time with me, and that he will make sure he makes time for me when I come back to town.
So I later talked to him on the telephone. I told him I wasn't surprised because from reading Bertha's webpage, I knew she was pregnant. I just wasn't completely sure it was his. I said to him that I was planning to ask him about it, but I didn't because I didn't think it was my place, and because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to know...but I do know now. I could understand better why he was with her, considering the circumstances. He admitted to me that he met her in December, had started seeing her in March, and they were together on and off. He didn't really feel a connection with her, and she rubbed him the wrong way because right away she was jealous and possessive, and she was on drugs. Furthermore, they had very few of the same interests, and her favorite music is the same music he hates the most (country and rap). However, against his better judgment, he kept seeing her because the sex was really good.
Well, we see how well that worked...
Anyway, so we stayed on the phone for about an hour and talked a while. It was good to talk about things, whether it was about the situation with Bertha, about us, or about interests and life. It reminded me as to why I like Jordan in the first place. Even though on paper he seems so not a match for me, when we're together, whether on the phone or in person, we are just so right. It's the kind of thing I know can't be duplicated.
So since Tuesday, I've had a chance to think through everything, and take note of some developments. Bertha and Jordan have gone back and forth online the past couple of days talking about how much they love each other, yada yada, which makes me wonder what Bertha is ultimately going to do in regards to the baby and their relationship.
On one hand, I commend Jordan for wanting to stay with her for the sake of the baby, but at the same time I wonder if, considering the fact that they have such a volatile relationship, it's a really bad idea. I really think he needs to grow some balls and make some decisions regardless of those that Bertha makes. He's being taken hostage by her instability. And I feel like I'm being taken hostage by his indecisiveness.
Jordan and Bertha's relationship is like watching a really bad train wreck in slow motion.
I also have a sneaking suspicion concerning the situation, of which I don't have evidence of except for an understanding of male-female relations and human nature...as well as from my experience with silly females from in and around Detroit:-).
It dawned on me yesterday as I was talking to one of my best friends. Here are some things to consider: Bertha is very possessive and smothering (which is clear even on her webpage) towards Jordan, and then she turns around all of a sudden and says she wants to have an abortion and cut ties with him? On top of that, practically speaking, she is in her fifth month of pregnancy. It is very difficult to find a doctor that will perform a late-term abortion. In addition, she is always talking about in her messages to him how "horny" she is. But usually women don't get their super-libido until the last trimester of pregnancy. She is a big girl, too...a really big girl. I know from personal experience that many big women don't have regular periods (amenorrhea), so conceivably she wouldn't have to take that week per month to not have sex because of menstruation.
I'm wondering if she may have trapped Jordan, but not in the way he suspects. I wonder if she had invented the pregnancy so that Jordan would not leave her, because she had to know that he wasn't as interested in her as she was in him. Considering that he was continuing to sleep with her, but would not claim her as his girlfriend, would make it pretty clear to anyone, naive or not, what his intentions with her truly were. She may have been hoping that if they continued to have sex unprotected, he would get her pregnant for real. However, by the fifth month, with no pregnancy, this strategy becomes untenable and she has to find a way out. The easy way out would just to claim a miscarriage. However, considering Bertha's penchant for the dramatic, going down in a blaze of glory may seem more exciting to her.
I don't know, it's only speculation, but to be honest I don't think I will completely believe there is a real baby involved unless or until I actually see a real baby.
This whole situation seems like a good case study for the darkness of human nature, particularly the depths to which people go due to the emotions of desperation and selfishness. I also notice that even my own feelings denote a degree of less-than-noble intent. Deep inside the dark reaches of my heart, I do wish that Jordan and Bertha would break up so he could be with me. This is the first time I've really felt this kind of connection with anyone, and I don't want to lose that. At the same time, there is another part of me that knows that Jordan is, in a sense, trying to do the right thing, and I can't fault him for that at all. I do want for him to get his life together, because it is a mess and being with me isn't going to fix the things that are broken.
I told him, against every fiber of my being, that if Bertha goes through with the abortion, and they break up, he needed to be by himself for a while and not worry about dating or women. That was hard, because I would so love for him to run to me, and try to make a long-distance relationship work. But it may not be the best thing for him to rebound into something else given the seriousness and gravity of the current situation. And while I feel selfish about it, and this situation is killing me, I can't be self-serving and still be able to look in the mirror.
I wish that Bertha would just do what she's going to do and not drag Jordan through changes. I wish that Jordan had a backbone. But my wishing isn't going to change the situation. I am really considering taking a break from it all until everything is settled and I truly know what I'm dealing with.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Drugs
So I thought that this was the end of Jordan. Unfortunately, men have a way sometimes of lingering a little longer than they deserve to.
I went through a range of emotions...pissed, angry, sad, depressed, etc. It's not because Jordan was the best guy on the face of the planet; he definitely wasn't. It was because on some level, I liked Jordan, and I was hurt about being lied to, and unwittingly playing second fiddle to someone else.
On Friday, I had confronted Jordan about Bertha over the phone. He was being kind of bitchy because I was pushing to talk to him and he had to work 48 hours last week. But did I care? No way. When I asked him why he didn't inform me about the fact that he had a girlfriend, he changed his tune. He said that he didn't tell me "because I suck," and then proceeded to tell me that he hadn't been sure he wanted to commit to anyone. He said that he didn't realize his boundaries with me considering how I felt and that I'm still a virgin. He said it was good that I was waiting. Come to find out, his first sexual encounter happened to be with a girl who was mixed w/black, and the sex happened to be good. But for whatever reason, he waited for a few years to sleep with someone else. In any case, he also mentioned that he was iffy on Bertha, that on one hand, there are things he likes about her, but on the other hand, she's on drugs (pill popping and smoking weed), and she's immature and full of drama. To which I told him that he chose to be with her, and he should commit if he really wants to be with her, and if not, he needs to break up with her. That simple.
I had reverted to passive-aggressivism for the past few days and wrote a series of blog entries on that site chronicling my feelings about the situation (without spelling out the situation in detail). Cried, talked, wrote, got trashed, etc. The situation bothered me even more. It seemed like something was wrong with Bertha anyway because she came off as being a little too sold out for Jordan - too clingy, too sensitive, too willing to start arguments with random people over him. The other day, she even cursed out some girl who wrote a comment about Jordan's ex-friend back in January. She also looked a lot older than 24 years of age...more like 40. And so on one hand, the fact that she's a drug user makes the picture clearer to me. On the other hand, it hurt my pride because I played second fiddle to a crazy drug addict. What the hell?
So I get an email from Jordan Monday (that he sent on Sunday). saying that he read the weblog articles, and while he wasn't sorry he made out with me, he was sorry that he didn't tell me he was with Bertha. We ended up writing back and forth since. What it comes down to is that it seems he wants to stay with her so she can get off the drugs and get over her mom dying a year and a half ago. I don't think it's going to happen, it reminds me a lot of myself and Matt. But to each his own.
I didn't realize at the time that this situation would bother me so much. It's a strange pain. I cannot say that there is anything about Bertha that makes her more desirable than me. She's on drugs, is unemployed, she lives a life full of drama, she looks old and homely, and she's bigger than me, both size, weight, and height, and doesn't carry her weight as well as me. Even he says that she is not as mature as me, and I'm more stable than she is. And yet Jordan got with her, and I was the other woman. This is hard to wrap my head around. I cannot figure out for the life of me what is wrong with me to where I ended up losing.
And also, this...we did things that friends don't do. He and I were friends, I felt comfortable with him and everything. We crossed that line between friendship and something else. And now come to find out, it was really nothing. That really hurt. How did I end up being the one who is alone? I have everything this man seems to want, and I was willing to extend grace to him, and yet I get cut?! That really, really hurts.
I went through a range of emotions...pissed, angry, sad, depressed, etc. It's not because Jordan was the best guy on the face of the planet; he definitely wasn't. It was because on some level, I liked Jordan, and I was hurt about being lied to, and unwittingly playing second fiddle to someone else.
On Friday, I had confronted Jordan about Bertha over the phone. He was being kind of bitchy because I was pushing to talk to him and he had to work 48 hours last week. But did I care? No way. When I asked him why he didn't inform me about the fact that he had a girlfriend, he changed his tune. He said that he didn't tell me "because I suck," and then proceeded to tell me that he hadn't been sure he wanted to commit to anyone. He said that he didn't realize his boundaries with me considering how I felt and that I'm still a virgin. He said it was good that I was waiting. Come to find out, his first sexual encounter happened to be with a girl who was mixed w/black, and the sex happened to be good. But for whatever reason, he waited for a few years to sleep with someone else. In any case, he also mentioned that he was iffy on Bertha, that on one hand, there are things he likes about her, but on the other hand, she's on drugs (pill popping and smoking weed), and she's immature and full of drama. To which I told him that he chose to be with her, and he should commit if he really wants to be with her, and if not, he needs to break up with her. That simple.
I had reverted to passive-aggressivism for the past few days and wrote a series of blog entries on that site chronicling my feelings about the situation (without spelling out the situation in detail). Cried, talked, wrote, got trashed, etc. The situation bothered me even more. It seemed like something was wrong with Bertha anyway because she came off as being a little too sold out for Jordan - too clingy, too sensitive, too willing to start arguments with random people over him. The other day, she even cursed out some girl who wrote a comment about Jordan's ex-friend back in January. She also looked a lot older than 24 years of age...more like 40. And so on one hand, the fact that she's a drug user makes the picture clearer to me. On the other hand, it hurt my pride because I played second fiddle to a crazy drug addict. What the hell?
So I get an email from Jordan Monday (that he sent on Sunday). saying that he read the weblog articles, and while he wasn't sorry he made out with me, he was sorry that he didn't tell me he was with Bertha. We ended up writing back and forth since. What it comes down to is that it seems he wants to stay with her so she can get off the drugs and get over her mom dying a year and a half ago. I don't think it's going to happen, it reminds me a lot of myself and Matt. But to each his own.
I didn't realize at the time that this situation would bother me so much. It's a strange pain. I cannot say that there is anything about Bertha that makes her more desirable than me. She's on drugs, is unemployed, she lives a life full of drama, she looks old and homely, and she's bigger than me, both size, weight, and height, and doesn't carry her weight as well as me. Even he says that she is not as mature as me, and I'm more stable than she is. And yet Jordan got with her, and I was the other woman. This is hard to wrap my head around. I cannot figure out for the life of me what is wrong with me to where I ended up losing.
And also, this...we did things that friends don't do. He and I were friends, I felt comfortable with him and everything. We crossed that line between friendship and something else. And now come to find out, it was really nothing. That really hurt. How did I end up being the one who is alone? I have everything this man seems to want, and I was willing to extend grace to him, and yet I get cut?! That really, really hurts.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Cheater
So I'm in the comfort of my new office at work, when I decide to check my page on a social networking site. Come to find out, Jordan (who is one of my "friends") changed his status to "in a relationship." It hasn't even been a week since we made out and almost had sex, and he's seeing someone else. Now granted, initially I couldn't be' mad because we weren't together, I live in Cincinnati and he lives in Michigan, so it wouldn't have worked anyway. At the same time, I can't say it didn't sting just a little, because considering what I saw on his page, they'd been kind of seeing each other for a while, and unbeknownst to me, I was the "other" woman.
But wait, it gets worse. I decide, in my curious nature, to do some investigating. Come to find out, Jordan and the woman, we'll call "Bertha," have been together for at least a few weeks, and they've been messing around since at least June. In mid-July, he and I had gone out on a date to see a movie, and he had said even then that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship and he liked being single. On Wednesday morning, he leaves a message for Bertha saying "I love you too." Less than an hour later, I was over his house, and thirty minutes after that, we were making out. Later on that same day, she went all out and gave him a surprise birthday party. And later on, he texts me to tell me, and implies that the person who threw it was a friend of his named "Bertha"...no mention of the title "girlfriend."
And it gets even grimier. The woman found out only three or four weeks ago that she is pregnant. I don't know if it's Jordan's baby or not, but I don't think I even want to know, either. Considering all I read, it probably is. Now that really, really pisses me off.
I was *this* close to sleeping with the guy, this close to losing my virginity. If I had done it, I would've hated myself forever. So I really dodged a bullet there...seriously. Maybe that's God's way of saying that there is nothing good about doing things that are outside of His plan for my life. It wasn't what I needed to do...so it's time to really move on and be patient for much better things.
But wait, it gets worse. I decide, in my curious nature, to do some investigating. Come to find out, Jordan and the woman, we'll call "Bertha," have been together for at least a few weeks, and they've been messing around since at least June. In mid-July, he and I had gone out on a date to see a movie, and he had said even then that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship and he liked being single. On Wednesday morning, he leaves a message for Bertha saying "I love you too." Less than an hour later, I was over his house, and thirty minutes after that, we were making out. Later on that same day, she went all out and gave him a surprise birthday party. And later on, he texts me to tell me, and implies that the person who threw it was a friend of his named "Bertha"...no mention of the title "girlfriend."
And it gets even grimier. The woman found out only three or four weeks ago that she is pregnant. I don't know if it's Jordan's baby or not, but I don't think I even want to know, either. Considering all I read, it probably is. Now that really, really pisses me off.
I was *this* close to sleeping with the guy, this close to losing my virginity. If I had done it, I would've hated myself forever. So I really dodged a bullet there...seriously. Maybe that's God's way of saying that there is nothing good about doing things that are outside of His plan for my life. It wasn't what I needed to do...so it's time to really move on and be patient for much better things.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Peace
So I moved back to Cincinnati on Wednesday. It was also Jordan's birthday. He wanted to come over my house, but I said it wasn't a great idea since my brother was around and wouldn't let us talk. So I offered to come over to his house on my way out of town to wish him a happy birthday and to say goodbye. So I went to visit him, and we talked for a little while. Then...it was almost something out of a cute romantic movie, almost like "Garden State." He finally - finally! - kissed me. We made out for a while, almost slept together, but I cut that short before it happened, and he was respectful about that (which is good). The time we spent together was good, and I enjoyed it, even the talking. It just sucks that I had to go.
I think that Jordan presents a strange case for me. I just don't know. Most of the guys I've been into are guys I've been limerent for, meaning that I was really, really dying in love with them to the exclusion of all others, while they never even realized my existence (or if they did, thought I probably shouldn't). Jordan is the first person that I've actually liked but not in a limerent way. It ebbs and flows, I think. There have been times where it seemed that Jordan liked me more than I liked him, and times in which it seemed that I liked Jordan more than he liked me. It seems, well, balanced. He is also someone that I feel really comfortable with, I can be my silly, crazy, talkative self around him. I don't feel inhibited or judged around him. That really means a lot.
That said, he and I both agreed that neither of us is interested in a relationship right now. And so for now, that's off the table, and I'm more than fine with that. I don't feel tied down to anything, and for once in my life, I don't feel compelled to seek a relationship with anyone. At the same time, a part of me does miss him. When I get my own place (I'm living with roommates for now), I may invite him down here to visit. But for the most part, I like things the way they are right now. We aren't "together," but we're not exactly platonic either.
I talked to Nikolai today (Saturday). He is doing okay. His life is kind of in limbo/transition, and he admitted he had a rough year due to the situation with Pat. At the same time, he did admit his culpability in the situation, and considering the circumstances he appears no worse for wear. He also was happy to hear that my year went a lot better than his, and he gave me valuable advice on preparation for the academic job market.
To an extent, I grew a little bit of a conscience. On one hand, I don't feel the same way about him than I once did. I also still don't feel the least bit sorry for him. At the same time, that is still a lot to endure, and I don't feel right relishing in his pain. Even when people get what they deserve, God does not rejoice in their suffering but is there alongside them in their suffering. Furthermore, although Nikolai didn't treat me right, I was also someone he respected because of what he considered to be my good heart. Even Brooke said that he would mention me and had nothing but good things to say about me. While he doesn't deserve my friendship (and I think he knows this), I am not him and I need to be a better person than he is.
Does that mean we're now the best of friends? No. Does it mean that I will start talking to him again? No. Does it mean I trust him again? No. At the same time, how much pain does he have to experience for me to be satisfied that he has suffered enough? The situation with Pat is beyond anything I could have dreamed up as far as "God's vengeance" is concerned. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to let it go.
I think that Jordan presents a strange case for me. I just don't know. Most of the guys I've been into are guys I've been limerent for, meaning that I was really, really dying in love with them to the exclusion of all others, while they never even realized my existence (or if they did, thought I probably shouldn't). Jordan is the first person that I've actually liked but not in a limerent way. It ebbs and flows, I think. There have been times where it seemed that Jordan liked me more than I liked him, and times in which it seemed that I liked Jordan more than he liked me. It seems, well, balanced. He is also someone that I feel really comfortable with, I can be my silly, crazy, talkative self around him. I don't feel inhibited or judged around him. That really means a lot.
That said, he and I both agreed that neither of us is interested in a relationship right now. And so for now, that's off the table, and I'm more than fine with that. I don't feel tied down to anything, and for once in my life, I don't feel compelled to seek a relationship with anyone. At the same time, a part of me does miss him. When I get my own place (I'm living with roommates for now), I may invite him down here to visit. But for the most part, I like things the way they are right now. We aren't "together," but we're not exactly platonic either.
I talked to Nikolai today (Saturday). He is doing okay. His life is kind of in limbo/transition, and he admitted he had a rough year due to the situation with Pat. At the same time, he did admit his culpability in the situation, and considering the circumstances he appears no worse for wear. He also was happy to hear that my year went a lot better than his, and he gave me valuable advice on preparation for the academic job market.
To an extent, I grew a little bit of a conscience. On one hand, I don't feel the same way about him than I once did. I also still don't feel the least bit sorry for him. At the same time, that is still a lot to endure, and I don't feel right relishing in his pain. Even when people get what they deserve, God does not rejoice in their suffering but is there alongside them in their suffering. Furthermore, although Nikolai didn't treat me right, I was also someone he respected because of what he considered to be my good heart. Even Brooke said that he would mention me and had nothing but good things to say about me. While he doesn't deserve my friendship (and I think he knows this), I am not him and I need to be a better person than he is.
Does that mean we're now the best of friends? No. Does it mean that I will start talking to him again? No. Does it mean I trust him again? No. At the same time, how much pain does he have to experience for me to be satisfied that he has suffered enough? The situation with Pat is beyond anything I could have dreamed up as far as "God's vengeance" is concerned. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to let it go.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Reaping
So I talked to Brooke earlier. She's moving out of the country with her new husband within the next few months, since he got a well-paying job overseas. She was giving me the update on everyone in Cincinnati, including Nikolai.
So Nikolai was going to do right by Pat and marry her for the sake of the unborn baby. He enlists the help of his dissertation chair to get him a teaching job at a college near where her parents live, in rural Ohio near the Pennsylvania border. He moves there away from his friends and most everyone else he knows here in the States, and gets an apartment set up for the new family. As the birth neared, he stated his intention to marry her, and he was searching for an engagement ring to make it official.
In the eighth month of her pregnancy, Pat reveals to Nikolai that the baby may not be his. She confesses that while they were seeing each other, she was also carrying on a sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend. While Nikolai was shocked, he decided to stay on for the birth. When the baby was born the next month, he was there, cut the cord and everything.
Not long after the birth, Pat gets a paternity test to see if the baby is indeed Nikolai's. Come to find out, Nikolai is not the father of the child. She asks him if he wants to adopt the child and raise it as if it is his. After thinking about it for a couple of days, Nikolai declines. Pat and the baby move out of the apartment and in with her parents.
So basically, Nikolai is stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a tiny town, at a tiny Christian college for at least a year. And all of this over a woman.
It makes me think of a joke Chris Rock told where he says that "men lie the most; women tell the biggest lies." And then he goes on to say that men might lie about something like if he's over his friend's house when he's really not, whereas women will tell a lie like "it's your baby!"
I don't revel in Nikolai's pain, at least I try not to. However, I don't feel bad for him, and this is why. I remember when I first discovered he was dating Pat (discovered b/c he didn't come out and say it, I had to stumble upon it). He said that he thought she was average-looking, but he just wanted the companionship. Later on, a few nights before I moved, he makes the comment to me that he got off on the fact that she was much younger than him. He figured he could kind of mentor her, etc., in lots of ways. I summarized it to him like this, "It's like having a kid you can fuck."
Nikolai thought he had one over on Pat, that he could be "Daddy" in life and in the bedroom. But she played the heck out of him, and now, at least for the time being, his life is screwed.
I also feel, to a degree, vindicated. He led me on from December of 2005, and when our relationship didn't turn out the way he planned, his attitude did a 180. He lied about having a fiance somewhere else, and then later, he figured I wasn't good enough for him to date. In his opinion, I didn't make good dating material because I was his equal intellectually and because of my looks. He berated me for passing out at the wrong time, which I couldn't see coming because of an unforeseen health issue. Dealing with his betrayal almost cost me a passing grade on my qualifier and a year-long academic fellowship. On top of that, I spent the fellowship year dealing with my father's death, and then on top of that deal with having to see someone who betrayed my trust. He figured that I should just "get over" what he did and act like everything was cool, just as he was flaunting his new girlfriend in my face.
But here's the irony of it. If Nikolai had dated me, I would have never done that to him. Even if I had slept with him, I would not have done so without insisting on protection, and I don't believe in two-timing anyone. He didn't want to be with me, in part, because being with me would have been like "fucking the Virgin Mary." He wanted to go for the easy thing, not for someone who would challenge him and make him a better man. Nikolai made his bed, and now he must lie in it.
So Nikolai was going to do right by Pat and marry her for the sake of the unborn baby. He enlists the help of his dissertation chair to get him a teaching job at a college near where her parents live, in rural Ohio near the Pennsylvania border. He moves there away from his friends and most everyone else he knows here in the States, and gets an apartment set up for the new family. As the birth neared, he stated his intention to marry her, and he was searching for an engagement ring to make it official.
In the eighth month of her pregnancy, Pat reveals to Nikolai that the baby may not be his. She confesses that while they were seeing each other, she was also carrying on a sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend. While Nikolai was shocked, he decided to stay on for the birth. When the baby was born the next month, he was there, cut the cord and everything.
Not long after the birth, Pat gets a paternity test to see if the baby is indeed Nikolai's. Come to find out, Nikolai is not the father of the child. She asks him if he wants to adopt the child and raise it as if it is his. After thinking about it for a couple of days, Nikolai declines. Pat and the baby move out of the apartment and in with her parents.
So basically, Nikolai is stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a tiny town, at a tiny Christian college for at least a year. And all of this over a woman.
It makes me think of a joke Chris Rock told where he says that "men lie the most; women tell the biggest lies." And then he goes on to say that men might lie about something like if he's over his friend's house when he's really not, whereas women will tell a lie like "it's your baby!"I don't revel in Nikolai's pain, at least I try not to. However, I don't feel bad for him, and this is why. I remember when I first discovered he was dating Pat (discovered b/c he didn't come out and say it, I had to stumble upon it). He said that he thought she was average-looking, but he just wanted the companionship. Later on, a few nights before I moved, he makes the comment to me that he got off on the fact that she was much younger than him. He figured he could kind of mentor her, etc., in lots of ways. I summarized it to him like this, "It's like having a kid you can fuck."
Nikolai thought he had one over on Pat, that he could be "Daddy" in life and in the bedroom. But she played the heck out of him, and now, at least for the time being, his life is screwed.
I also feel, to a degree, vindicated. He led me on from December of 2005, and when our relationship didn't turn out the way he planned, his attitude did a 180. He lied about having a fiance somewhere else, and then later, he figured I wasn't good enough for him to date. In his opinion, I didn't make good dating material because I was his equal intellectually and because of my looks. He berated me for passing out at the wrong time, which I couldn't see coming because of an unforeseen health issue. Dealing with his betrayal almost cost me a passing grade on my qualifier and a year-long academic fellowship. On top of that, I spent the fellowship year dealing with my father's death, and then on top of that deal with having to see someone who betrayed my trust. He figured that I should just "get over" what he did and act like everything was cool, just as he was flaunting his new girlfriend in my face.
But here's the irony of it. If Nikolai had dated me, I would have never done that to him. Even if I had slept with him, I would not have done so without insisting on protection, and I don't believe in two-timing anyone. He didn't want to be with me, in part, because being with me would have been like "fucking the Virgin Mary." He wanted to go for the easy thing, not for someone who would challenge him and make him a better man. Nikolai made his bed, and now he must lie in it.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Rehabilitation
Shockingly enough, it looks like I will be moving back to Cincinnati, and soon. I accepted a year-long position at a university in the area, and will also be teaching part-time for my school's department. I'm excited about the position, and I feel good, for the most part, about the move.
This past year has been a rehabilitation of sorts. I remember leaving Cincinnati with my tail between my legs, my entire emotional and spiritual self torn to shreds due to the toxic relationships I experienced with Alex and Nikolai.
I think that these days, while I am not a fan of men in general, my image of them is somewhat more balanced. I've begun to learn how to be friends with men again. The truth is that while most of my friends are women, I often feel like I have more to talk about with men than with women. I have more in common with them. Men will talk about harder issues, and even their small talk is more interesting...fighting, action movies, actors, singers and personalities I've actually heard of. Women, on the other hand, tend to talk about their families, and fluffy things on TV. I can identify with neither.
Also, I have become more convinced that men are capable of seeing my beauty. Not only Jordan, but others as well. I've been approached by other men, and I have begun to learn how to speak to men I find attractive.
Speaking of Jordan, I'm also friends with a couple of his friends that he grew up with (although met by different avenues)..."Gary" and "Jimmy." Gary works with Jordan. He is well-educated, kind of quiet and serious, but a nice guy. Gary is always hanging out with Jimmy. Jimmy can be cool when he wants to be, he's kind of hometown bound, and he can be a little bit of a dick, but otherwise, he's not a bad guy. He's animated, has good stories, and he's great with kids.
Gary reminds me of a cross between Alex and Alex's best friend (he looks like Alex's best friend, but kind of acts like Alex), but I have zero feelings for him, probably because he seems to lack any kind of belief in himself. Jimmy is so not my type physically...short, stubby, tattooed and blond, like a mini chunky Eminem. He reminds me of Matt without the drugs. But I had found myself having a mini-crush on him, probably because he's a dick who thinks he's the best thing since fried ice cream. I notice I tend to be attracted to assholes, probably because they act self-assured and have a take-charge attitude. I think that Jimmy does notice me to some degree - I can tell he pays attention, and he notices things about me, etc. At the same time, I would never date him even if he liked me (which I don't believe he does anyway but I could be wrong)...I don't want to date assholes anymore, and besides, he's a manwhore. While I'm not stuck on my guy being a virgin (the chances of meeting a decent, sane man my age who is a virgin is slim to none), I have no desire to be a notch on his belt either.
If nothing else, living in Michigan has helped me to develop a more balanced view of men (to a degree, although some of my dating experiences sucked). More than that, I have a more balanced perspective on my time in Cincinnati. Surely, it sucked, but at the same time, the primary reasons why the time sucked involved the things that happened to me while I lived there. Alex and Nikolai, finding out about my health/fertility (or lack thereof), losing my father...it was a lot to take in and very difficult to process. Does it mean that it will be so bad the second time around? Probably not, prayerfully not. On one hand, I do hope that something great will happen. At the same time, I don't expect that it will. No expectations. I plan on teaching a great course and finishing school. That's the extent of it.
This past year has been a rehabilitation of sorts. I remember leaving Cincinnati with my tail between my legs, my entire emotional and spiritual self torn to shreds due to the toxic relationships I experienced with Alex and Nikolai.
I think that these days, while I am not a fan of men in general, my image of them is somewhat more balanced. I've begun to learn how to be friends with men again. The truth is that while most of my friends are women, I often feel like I have more to talk about with men than with women. I have more in common with them. Men will talk about harder issues, and even their small talk is more interesting...fighting, action movies, actors, singers and personalities I've actually heard of. Women, on the other hand, tend to talk about their families, and fluffy things on TV. I can identify with neither.
Also, I have become more convinced that men are capable of seeing my beauty. Not only Jordan, but others as well. I've been approached by other men, and I have begun to learn how to speak to men I find attractive.
Speaking of Jordan, I'm also friends with a couple of his friends that he grew up with (although met by different avenues)..."Gary" and "Jimmy." Gary works with Jordan. He is well-educated, kind of quiet and serious, but a nice guy. Gary is always hanging out with Jimmy. Jimmy can be cool when he wants to be, he's kind of hometown bound, and he can be a little bit of a dick, but otherwise, he's not a bad guy. He's animated, has good stories, and he's great with kids.
Gary reminds me of a cross between Alex and Alex's best friend (he looks like Alex's best friend, but kind of acts like Alex), but I have zero feelings for him, probably because he seems to lack any kind of belief in himself. Jimmy is so not my type physically...short, stubby, tattooed and blond, like a mini chunky Eminem. He reminds me of Matt without the drugs. But I had found myself having a mini-crush on him, probably because he's a dick who thinks he's the best thing since fried ice cream. I notice I tend to be attracted to assholes, probably because they act self-assured and have a take-charge attitude. I think that Jimmy does notice me to some degree - I can tell he pays attention, and he notices things about me, etc. At the same time, I would never date him even if he liked me (which I don't believe he does anyway but I could be wrong)...I don't want to date assholes anymore, and besides, he's a manwhore. While I'm not stuck on my guy being a virgin (the chances of meeting a decent, sane man my age who is a virgin is slim to none), I have no desire to be a notch on his belt either.
If nothing else, living in Michigan has helped me to develop a more balanced view of men (to a degree, although some of my dating experiences sucked). More than that, I have a more balanced perspective on my time in Cincinnati. Surely, it sucked, but at the same time, the primary reasons why the time sucked involved the things that happened to me while I lived there. Alex and Nikolai, finding out about my health/fertility (or lack thereof), losing my father...it was a lot to take in and very difficult to process. Does it mean that it will be so bad the second time around? Probably not, prayerfully not. On one hand, I do hope that something great will happen. At the same time, I don't expect that it will. No expectations. I plan on teaching a great course and finishing school. That's the extent of it.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Jaded
These days, I'm at the point to where I have been looking to take some control over what happens in my life, from my finances to my love life. I can't say that I'm particularly thrilled with my position in life, but I can't say I'm miserable either.
Nikolai apparently defended his dissertation today; I received the announcement from the department via email. I'm not sure how it went, but it did motivate me to make more progress on my own research. The way that everything went down still stings to some degree, although I think that in the end, I'm better off for things ending up the way they did. As for Pat and the baby, I have no clue...haven't talked to Brooke, which is another story, I guess.
As for myself, I'm not sure to what degree I'm feeling Michigan. It's just more of the story of my life...those who I like don't want to acknowledge my existence, although unlike in the past, I believe that it speaks to their character (or lack thereof) and not some deficiency on my part. At the same time, there is someone that I think likes me to some degree, but I'm not sure it will work.
I'll call him Jordan, he's about my age, and he lives in my neighborhood. We have gone out a couple of times, and we talk on the phone or online from time to time. He's great to talk to, and I feel comfortable with him and enjoy his company, not to mention that he is also attractive. I also know that he is attracted to larger women, which is rare among my age set (and works out because I want to be with someone my age). I also like the fact that he shows interest in me.
However, he has a dead-end teenager's job, doesn't drive (never bothered to learn), lacks ambition and curiosity of the world outside what he knows, and he's agnostic.
I think that if at least two of those drawbacks were different, I think I could live with it. However, I can't help but to feel that if I were to pursue anything more than friendship with Jordan, I would be selling out and falling into the "big girl" trap of settling for less than what I desire and what will make me happy.
The truth is that beyond being a larger woman, I have a great deal going for me. I'm well-educated and on my way to a lucrative career, I am self-sufficient and I have my own income and transportation, not to mention that I am ambitious, curious, fun-loving, loyal and honest, and willing to try almost anything once. I also possess integrity and character, and I have chosen to be chaste in a world that celebrates anything but. I don't see why a number on a scale should preclude me from finding happiness with someone who also brings something to the table.
I feel that if I compromise my own standards, I open myself up to be used with nothing given in return. I don't want to be anyone's sugar mama, I don't want to be taken for less than I am worth. I don't want to just give myself away.
I love to travel and I want to see the world, and want to have someone I can do that with. I don't mind being the one making more money, but I do mind being the one to take care of everyone else, the one to take on more than I can bear. I don't want to be any man's chauffeur. I want someone who will make me feel like a lady and cared for to some degree...I don't want to feel like a man, or a mother, or something other than a girlfriend or a wife.
Jordan's agnosticism doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. The truth is that I have major issues with Christian men...the ones I have met are more shallow than most men in general. I'm the kind of girl who knows from experience that eHarmony and religious personals sites are a waste of time if you don't look like media's gift to the male gender. Honestly, I would love to be with someone who is on the same page I am when it comes to something so core to me as my faith in Christ. At the same time, the Christian men I meet tend to be the kind who will swear up and down they are sold out for God, they try to live in Christ's image, etc., yet have no appreciation for the fact that God made us all in His image. I seem to have better luck with non-Christians, because they're not so conformist. Maybe God can help to rehab the image I have of my brothers in Christ.
In any case, Jordan presents a tough case for me, and one that I haven't had the occasion to face before...someone that I truly like and feel great around, but at the same time doesn't seem to offer what I need long-term. I don't know how to deal with that, or make it right. I can't make Jordan into someone he is not, just like Alex or Nikolai couldn't make me into someone I was not. At the same time, he is someone that I both like and feel like I can be myself around, and I've never felt like that before about any man. I just don't know how I can deal with this the right way.
In other news, sort of related to the long-term prospects of a relationship with anyone here in Michigan...there is an outside possibility that I might move back to Cincinnati in the fall. I applied for a possible job opportunity that would allow me to finish school more quickly and conveniently, gain experience in teaching subjects that dovetail with my research interests, and for the first time in my life, allow me to earn a solid middle-class salary. But it's in the Cincinnati area. That said, if I did move back, I would not live in my old neighborhood, and I am no longer in touch with either Alex or Nikolai, so it probably wouldn't be so bad. We'll see. It's not likely, but we'll see.
This week, I'm going to an academic seminar on the other side of the state. I'm so looking forward to it. If anything of note happens, I'll mention it:-).
Nikolai apparently defended his dissertation today; I received the announcement from the department via email. I'm not sure how it went, but it did motivate me to make more progress on my own research. The way that everything went down still stings to some degree, although I think that in the end, I'm better off for things ending up the way they did. As for Pat and the baby, I have no clue...haven't talked to Brooke, which is another story, I guess.
As for myself, I'm not sure to what degree I'm feeling Michigan. It's just more of the story of my life...those who I like don't want to acknowledge my existence, although unlike in the past, I believe that it speaks to their character (or lack thereof) and not some deficiency on my part. At the same time, there is someone that I think likes me to some degree, but I'm not sure it will work.
I'll call him Jordan, he's about my age, and he lives in my neighborhood. We have gone out a couple of times, and we talk on the phone or online from time to time. He's great to talk to, and I feel comfortable with him and enjoy his company, not to mention that he is also attractive. I also know that he is attracted to larger women, which is rare among my age set (and works out because I want to be with someone my age). I also like the fact that he shows interest in me.
However, he has a dead-end teenager's job, doesn't drive (never bothered to learn), lacks ambition and curiosity of the world outside what he knows, and he's agnostic.
I think that if at least two of those drawbacks were different, I think I could live with it. However, I can't help but to feel that if I were to pursue anything more than friendship with Jordan, I would be selling out and falling into the "big girl" trap of settling for less than what I desire and what will make me happy.
The truth is that beyond being a larger woman, I have a great deal going for me. I'm well-educated and on my way to a lucrative career, I am self-sufficient and I have my own income and transportation, not to mention that I am ambitious, curious, fun-loving, loyal and honest, and willing to try almost anything once. I also possess integrity and character, and I have chosen to be chaste in a world that celebrates anything but. I don't see why a number on a scale should preclude me from finding happiness with someone who also brings something to the table.
I feel that if I compromise my own standards, I open myself up to be used with nothing given in return. I don't want to be anyone's sugar mama, I don't want to be taken for less than I am worth. I don't want to just give myself away.
I love to travel and I want to see the world, and want to have someone I can do that with. I don't mind being the one making more money, but I do mind being the one to take care of everyone else, the one to take on more than I can bear. I don't want to be any man's chauffeur. I want someone who will make me feel like a lady and cared for to some degree...I don't want to feel like a man, or a mother, or something other than a girlfriend or a wife.
Jordan's agnosticism doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. The truth is that I have major issues with Christian men...the ones I have met are more shallow than most men in general. I'm the kind of girl who knows from experience that eHarmony and religious personals sites are a waste of time if you don't look like media's gift to the male gender. Honestly, I would love to be with someone who is on the same page I am when it comes to something so core to me as my faith in Christ. At the same time, the Christian men I meet tend to be the kind who will swear up and down they are sold out for God, they try to live in Christ's image, etc., yet have no appreciation for the fact that God made us all in His image. I seem to have better luck with non-Christians, because they're not so conformist. Maybe God can help to rehab the image I have of my brothers in Christ.
In any case, Jordan presents a tough case for me, and one that I haven't had the occasion to face before...someone that I truly like and feel great around, but at the same time doesn't seem to offer what I need long-term. I don't know how to deal with that, or make it right. I can't make Jordan into someone he is not, just like Alex or Nikolai couldn't make me into someone I was not. At the same time, he is someone that I both like and feel like I can be myself around, and I've never felt like that before about any man. I just don't know how I can deal with this the right way.
In other news, sort of related to the long-term prospects of a relationship with anyone here in Michigan...there is an outside possibility that I might move back to Cincinnati in the fall. I applied for a possible job opportunity that would allow me to finish school more quickly and conveniently, gain experience in teaching subjects that dovetail with my research interests, and for the first time in my life, allow me to earn a solid middle-class salary. But it's in the Cincinnati area. That said, if I did move back, I would not live in my old neighborhood, and I am no longer in touch with either Alex or Nikolai, so it probably wouldn't be so bad. We'll see. It's not likely, but we'll see.
This week, I'm going to an academic seminar on the other side of the state. I'm so looking forward to it. If anything of note happens, I'll mention it:-).
Friday, February 08, 2008
Karma
"His judgment cometh, and that right soon."
Since August, I have started my life back up again in Michigan. It's a time of transition for me. I'm working on my dissertation...slowly but surely. I'm also working two part-time jobs - I teach a political science course twice a week an hour away from where I live, and I substitute teach for a local public school system. It keeps me sane. I also talk to old friends occasionally, and meeting new ones as well.
I have no intention of staying in Michigan long-term, although at times I wish I could settle down. However, now is not the time, really. Once I finish school, I will want to start a real job, and chances are, it won't be in Michigan. So while I do get lonely at times, realistically it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone.
Alex and I no longer speak, and I don't even know where he lives. Occasionally I think about him - where he is, what he's doing, what his life looks like - but not enough to take time out to look for him. It is true that he was in my life for a long time. But at the same time, nothing lasts forever.
Brooke and her boyfriend are now engaged and will be getting married over the summer. I'm happy for both of them, especially for Brooke...of all people, she really deserves to have someone that makes her happy.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a message from Nikolai on a social networking site. Apparently, he took the time to actually look me up and find me, and wanted to be one of my online "friends." Rather than accept, I chose to deny. It's not that I'm still angry...I'm not. It's just that I now live in Michigan and I'm looking to move on with my life, and frankly he is no longer a part of my life now (nor do I want him to be). I need to be healthy mentally and emotionally, and I cannot have people in my life that will derail that, especially considering that I have no obligation towards him now that we no longer live in the same city or state.
However, that is not the end of Nikolai's story.
Brooke called me earlier today. Apparently, Nikolai got Pat pregnant. Pat told him she was on birth control, but she didn't tell him that she didn't take it regularly. They had unprotected sex a few times, even though at the time they hadn't been together long and barely knew each other. Then, a few months later, she came up pregnant. She is now five months along.
In Nikolai's mind, leaving Pat with the baby is out of the question. He feels that he is obligated to marry her, but she doesn't want to get married. Also, her parents want to raise the child until she finishes college. The crazy thing about it is that the father of the child is 30 years old and definitely old enough to raise a child without shifting the responsibility to the child's grandparents. It is a product of the fact that he impregnated a woman who is barely an adult. At the same time, Nikolai doesn't have a real job, and he has yet to finish his degree. Having a child means he will have to make tough decisions, and that may delay or derail his academic progress.
Brooke feels bad for him, but frankly, I don't. In a strange way, I believe that he has reaped what he has sown. It's not so much the baby in and of itself - children are a blessing. At the same time, the fact is that for once in his life, Nikolai is coping with a problem that is not simple to solve. For the past few years, he has shown himself to be someone who has no problem judging other people and criticizing them for their faults.
Nikolai used personal and sensitive information about my life to gain my trust and my interest, and then when he figured I was no longer useful to him, he wasted no time throwing me under the bus. He later decided to rub his then-new relationship in my face, and then couldn't understand why I refused to take his hurtful and insulting actions lying down. He had the nerve to criticize Brooke about her academic progress knowing that she was going through a contentious and rather nasty divorce. He made his comments about a long-time colleague who was in a marriage of convenience. He could not understand why a friend he grew up with had a difficult time moving on with life after the death of a parent. He had ready-made answers for another friend and colleague who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend in the middle of his candidacy.
He had a great deal to say about people whose lives did not turn out as planned and were not able to fix it easily. However, Nikolai himself was an only child who never truly struggled in life, and dealt with challenges through duplicity, deception and charm. He was always able to plan out his life and it would succeed as planned, and so he could not understand why other people dealt with failure.
I do not take joy in Nikolai's pain. However, I do not feel sympathy for a man who relishes in inflicting pain upon others. One cannot expect to live life almost sociopathically and not receive the energy they give out.
Suffering is part of the human condition...everyone has their turn to suffer, to struggle, to worry, to watch their dreams die. Nikolai was not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. And yet, the situation he is currently in is of his own doing. Because of his actions, everything he has worked for is in jeopardy. He is now forced to find a new direction because of a mistake he has made.
The worst - or maybe best - aspect of the situation is this: for the first time, he is forced to confront the fact that he is no better than the rest of us.
Since August, I have started my life back up again in Michigan. It's a time of transition for me. I'm working on my dissertation...slowly but surely. I'm also working two part-time jobs - I teach a political science course twice a week an hour away from where I live, and I substitute teach for a local public school system. It keeps me sane. I also talk to old friends occasionally, and meeting new ones as well.
I have no intention of staying in Michigan long-term, although at times I wish I could settle down. However, now is not the time, really. Once I finish school, I will want to start a real job, and chances are, it won't be in Michigan. So while I do get lonely at times, realistically it doesn't make sense to get into a relationship with someone.
Alex and I no longer speak, and I don't even know where he lives. Occasionally I think about him - where he is, what he's doing, what his life looks like - but not enough to take time out to look for him. It is true that he was in my life for a long time. But at the same time, nothing lasts forever.
Brooke and her boyfriend are now engaged and will be getting married over the summer. I'm happy for both of them, especially for Brooke...of all people, she really deserves to have someone that makes her happy.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a message from Nikolai on a social networking site. Apparently, he took the time to actually look me up and find me, and wanted to be one of my online "friends." Rather than accept, I chose to deny. It's not that I'm still angry...I'm not. It's just that I now live in Michigan and I'm looking to move on with my life, and frankly he is no longer a part of my life now (nor do I want him to be). I need to be healthy mentally and emotionally, and I cannot have people in my life that will derail that, especially considering that I have no obligation towards him now that we no longer live in the same city or state.
However, that is not the end of Nikolai's story.
Brooke called me earlier today. Apparently, Nikolai got Pat pregnant. Pat told him she was on birth control, but she didn't tell him that she didn't take it regularly. They had unprotected sex a few times, even though at the time they hadn't been together long and barely knew each other. Then, a few months later, she came up pregnant. She is now five months along.
In Nikolai's mind, leaving Pat with the baby is out of the question. He feels that he is obligated to marry her, but she doesn't want to get married. Also, her parents want to raise the child until she finishes college. The crazy thing about it is that the father of the child is 30 years old and definitely old enough to raise a child without shifting the responsibility to the child's grandparents. It is a product of the fact that he impregnated a woman who is barely an adult. At the same time, Nikolai doesn't have a real job, and he has yet to finish his degree. Having a child means he will have to make tough decisions, and that may delay or derail his academic progress.
Brooke feels bad for him, but frankly, I don't. In a strange way, I believe that he has reaped what he has sown. It's not so much the baby in and of itself - children are a blessing. At the same time, the fact is that for once in his life, Nikolai is coping with a problem that is not simple to solve. For the past few years, he has shown himself to be someone who has no problem judging other people and criticizing them for their faults.
Nikolai used personal and sensitive information about my life to gain my trust and my interest, and then when he figured I was no longer useful to him, he wasted no time throwing me under the bus. He later decided to rub his then-new relationship in my face, and then couldn't understand why I refused to take his hurtful and insulting actions lying down. He had the nerve to criticize Brooke about her academic progress knowing that she was going through a contentious and rather nasty divorce. He made his comments about a long-time colleague who was in a marriage of convenience. He could not understand why a friend he grew up with had a difficult time moving on with life after the death of a parent. He had ready-made answers for another friend and colleague who accidentally knocked up his girlfriend in the middle of his candidacy.
He had a great deal to say about people whose lives did not turn out as planned and were not able to fix it easily. However, Nikolai himself was an only child who never truly struggled in life, and dealt with challenges through duplicity, deception and charm. He was always able to plan out his life and it would succeed as planned, and so he could not understand why other people dealt with failure.
I do not take joy in Nikolai's pain. However, I do not feel sympathy for a man who relishes in inflicting pain upon others. One cannot expect to live life almost sociopathically and not receive the energy they give out.
Suffering is part of the human condition...everyone has their turn to suffer, to struggle, to worry, to watch their dreams die. Nikolai was not immune to the trials and tribulations of life. And yet, the situation he is currently in is of his own doing. Because of his actions, everything he has worked for is in jeopardy. He is now forced to find a new direction because of a mistake he has made.
The worst - or maybe best - aspect of the situation is this: for the first time, he is forced to confront the fact that he is no better than the rest of us.
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