Changes

My life has been kind of tumultuous...major changes, maybe. It looks like I may be leaving Cincinnati sooner than I thought. I've been praying about it, and I feel at peace about making this decision, oddly enough. If I do leave, then I will probably move back to my hometown by the summer. When I think of my experiences with going back home, I get almost a "Jesus going back to Nazareth" feeling. No, I don't think I'm God, I'm no Jesus by a long shot. But I can relate to the feeling of going back home and the people in His hometown, having known Him growing up, being so closed-minded to what He was about that He couldn't do much there.

A lot of people in my hometown like to place me in a box. I'm the goody-two shoes, the one that people figure would be successful but are so upset about getting "too big for her britches" that they wish I fell flat on my face. Also, I'm sure that Alex is elated that I'm leaving, since I was supposedly following him to the ends of the earth. Bastard. So going back to my hometown is not ideal in my eyes. But I need to do what's best for me, in terms of my sanity and finances, especially my sanity. So the plan is, I think, that I will move back home, finish my thesis, and do the PhD somewhere either closer to home or a place w/more support.

In other news, I'm praying for a measure of redemption for Valentine's Day. It sounds kind of strange, I know. But days such as Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day (a Hallmark holiday from the pits of hottest hell) tend to put me in a bit of depression. Those days tend to be major reminders not only of my singleness, but the hurtful feelings I've had due to rejection, embarrassment, etc. I don't think I've ever had a positive Valentine's Day. But I have seen situations when God does redeem certain days, like birthdays, etc., for people I know. Days that have always been a source of grief rather than a source of celebration. Valentine's Day should be a day of celebration, but I've never felt like celebrating.

I need to extend some faith. I figure that I'll move from the small things to the larger things. I want ultimately to be in a relationship w/someone who truly loves me in a special way. But how can I believe that God will change bigger stuff and not the smaller stuff? I need to trust Him for the smaller stuff, too. So I'm believing that Valentine's Day 2005 will indeed be different, and in an awesome way. I pray that the Lord will honor my faith.

Agreements

Lately a lot of things have been going on with my life. A few things have occurred relevant to this blog.

First of all, about a week and a half ago, I realized something. I've been settling. A friend of mine basically said that the kind of man I should want is one who sees me as so valuable and precious that he cannot pass me up. The kind of man I should desire is one who first of all, loves God, and secondly, has the will to pursue me with zeal. A man's love for me should point to God's even greater love for me. Anything less is in fact settling.

Then last week Sunday, the pastor spoke about making agreements with Satan. A lot of times we get a bad feeling about ourselves, or someone treats us badly, and negative things pop into our heads, such as "you're not attractive enough," or "no man will ever love you." And we agree with it, like thinking that "oh, that must be true about me." We exchange the truth for a lie.

I've done that for most of my life, as long as I can remember. And I realized that I have bought into the lie that my weight and my unusual appearance makes me, makes me unattractive, unworthy for a mate. That I should go for what I can get rather than go for what is the best. I am a child of God, made in His image. I look like Him. Much like I look like my earthly father, I look like my Heavenly Father too. Since my Heavenly Father is a perfect father who loves to give good gifts to His children, than why should I put up with scraps?

Ich bin eine Prinzessin.

That opened my eyes. It really did. Yeah, Alex has great attributes. But what is even more important is how he treats me. He doesn't see me or appreciate me for who I am, he doesn't value me the way I should be valued. He bothers me when it's convenient. He chooses to date another woman, to show off another woman, while still not wanting to leave me...quite...alone. Why should I be so happy when he calls, to get whatever little pieces of himself he wants to give? Why should I be second-best? I'm not second-best because God didn't make me second-best. So why should I accept that from Alex? Either he's in or he's out. He can't have it both ways.

My parents asked me about Alex a few days ago. So did one of my good friends. I hadn't heard from him since mid-December. Did I care? No. I wasn't going to chase after him. I felt that if he was going to be with another woman, he had no use for me. And if he was so willing to pass me up, then I had no use for him either. I hadn't heard from him since before the new year, and I wasn't going to make the effort anymore.

So late last night my phone rings, and lo and behold it's Alex. Alex and I talk for a little while. I ask him about his girlfriend. She's fine. They went to all the functions together, including New Year's. Do I ever hear about how wonderful his girlfriend is? Never. It's just about what they do. I feel like it's a flashback of his past. I'm not going to put his business out on the street. But basically, it has the appearance of shadiness if you're initiating contact with a friend of the opposite sex in which there has been a history of romantic feelings or sexual tension while you're with someone else. I really don't think his girlfriend knows, but if she did there might be problems, and I don't need to be in the middle of someone else's problems. In any case, I do not want to feel like I'm anything less than special and worth a man's devotion. Alex treats me like less, and I no longer want to allow myself to accept it.

2005

2005 seems to have started out somewhat like 2004. Friends from undergrad are getting engaged. Not too long ago, a friend from undergrad, "Bunny," started a romantic relationship with this guy she's been into a long time, a guy named "Dirk." Dirk is one of Alex's friends. On one hand I was happy for them. I knew that Bunny really liked Dirk and had been into him for a long time. On the other hand, it was just another reminder of how things are working out in the love department of others but not myself. In any case, though, recently I had a dream that Bunny and I were talking, and she was telling me that she was getting married. I told her I was happy for her, but I remember feeling a deep sense of sadness.

The other day, I was able to surf the web uninhibited for the first time in about two weeks. I looked on the recent blogs and found that Bunny's best friend "Mary" was getting married to another guy we knew from undergrad. That's wonderful. But at the same time, I was fighting against that sense of sadness that threatened to take hold of me. Both Mary and her fiance are younger than me. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I don't really ask for a whole lot in life. I don't care about being rich or powerful, or attaining fame, I care about my work but I don't care if I become well known in my field either. I just want to love and to be loved, to have companionship and support, to have a family of my own, and at times I feel as if it's too much to ask.

I decided over the break to go into counseling/therapy, mainly to get over Alex. Yeah, it's weird, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get over him so I can move on with my life in a fuller way. I've got to.

Perfect

"...one of the worst hurts to ever feel is when you find someone who is perfect for you but you're not perfect for them." - from my general weblog

I've been dealing with this for the past few years, but it has only been recently that I could put this into words.

2004 found me contemplating my life and the choices I made. One of the harder things I did was to tell my friend "Alex" that I needed space from him.

Alex and I met in college, I was a first year and he was a second year. We met through a mutual friend (who later became one of my best friends), and they met through a campus ministry group not too long before. It was not love, or even like, at first sight. I thought he looked dorky. But there was something that kind of attracted me to him. As I got to know him better, I noticed that he was smart and fun to hang out with. It also impressed me to see that he, as a white man, could be in a group with all black people and not get uncomfortable or feel he had to "act black" or be "down." When we first met, we both were in interracial relationships, his with a black woman, mine with a white man. I also felt a level of comfort with him that was different than what I had experienced before.

Those things alone let me know I settled in my relationship with my high school sweetheart, "Matt," and there was something better out there than what I had chosen to deal with. So in January of my first year, I cut him off. Not just because of Alex, but meeting him did renew my standards. Matt had to go. And as Matt went, so did Alex's girlfriend.

So I felt that way about Alex, but by the end of my first year, I found out that he didn't feel the same way because, of all things, my physical appearance. I was fat. He didn't exactly come correct about it, and it almost killed the friendship before it even began. The funny thing is, though, he was the only person that said he wanted to be friends and actually meant it.

Alex and I, throughout the next couple of years, had a strange relationship. We were friends, we could hang out, we could talk, etc. But the same thing kept coming up...do I still like him?

Yet, through that time, I learned more about him. We grew up somewhat similarly...two parents, middle class, conservative values. He was pre-med, which has a special place in my heart because my father went to medical school when I was really young (though he didn't finish), and in those days I used to pick up his medical textbooks and read them (I was a strange kid). Alex was pretty cosmopolitan, as am I. He also had an interest in politics and history, which I also have. He could challenge me on my beliefs and opinions and could make reasoned arguments. At the same time, I knew that he respected my mind. He was encouraging and showed faith in me when I pursued my goals. And he would occasionally tell me about myself...doesn't always feel good, but at those times I needed it. We were not carbon copies of each other. We were also quite different. But it was right...enough similarity to be able to relate to each other, enough difference to learn from each other.

I learned through the years that Alex was perfect. Not perfect in the sense that he can do no wrong or he has no flaws. Not perfect, but perfect for me. I could not go back.

____________________

But as I learned, just because someone is perfect for you doesn't mean that you're perfect for them.

About three years after we met, Alex moved back to his hometown of Cincinnati. We kept in touch while I was finishing up my undergraduate studies and he was taking a year off from school. During that time, I decided to move to Cincinnati to attend graduate school. It was primarily not because of him...it was because the program at the school in question had the expertise in a particular area of interest, it would be a change that would still allow me to see my friends in the town I attended undergrad in, and most importantly, I felt that God was directing me there. I did not make the decision because of Alex, but of course in the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, Alex would finally be able to see me.

But all he could "see" is that I was following him.

For our relationship, it would've been better, in a sense, if we lived in different cities. My first year in Cincinnati saw a lot of difficulty. Alex was dealing with his first year of medical school, while I was dealing with adjustment to a new city where I knew no one but him, coping with leaving my friends and the college life I loved so much, as well as adjusting to the rigors of graduate study and working as a graduate assistant. I tried to understand him, he tried to understand me. But at the root of our conflict, though, was Alex's contention that I wasn't over him. It upset me that after five years we still were dealing with this. Besides, what did it matter if I liked him if it was apparent that he didn't like me back?

The realization that the past five years didn't mean a whole lot to him in terms of how he saw me hurt me to the core. Really broke my heart. Enough that by the end of the summer I told him I needed space from him. Did he give me the space? Not really. About a month later he contacted me. We talked off and on. Even went out once before I went out of town for the holidays. It was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed myself...it was the best time we had together in a long time. But it was still too soon. Since the summer he has found himself a woman from his program to date. I don't know how serious they are. But for someone who claimed not to be thinking about dating or anything only a few months back - well, what can I say? Liar. I only hate two kinds of ppl...liars and the willfully ignorant.

A lot of what I'm dealing with at this point is internal. Matt and I knew each other for a year and a half, and were together for most of it. But when I finally let him go, it didn't take me long to get over it. With Alex, we were never together, yet we've known each other for over five years. While Matt was my high school sweetheart, Alex really had my heart. I loved Matt, but I loved -and- was in love with Alex. He is the one man who had my heart, and he broke it. Stuff happens, I guess.

So at this point, I just don't know. I know I need to get over Alex, quick. Five years is too long to be into one man this much. Knowing him has been a mixture of joy and regret. Joy to know someone so perfect. But I don't need the regret. But at the same time, I do not want to settle for just anyone. I want someone, well, like Alex, except that I want the person to see I'm too good to pass up. I cannot settle...I would be absolutely miserable. I'd rather be by myself. I pray that God will make things right, some kind of way. I really pray He does.

Blog

I've finally figured out what I will do with this blog. I've decided to use it to chronicle my love life.

When I say my "love life," I'm not talking about sex. It's really a mixture of a few things: dating, relationships with men, mixed in with my self-image. My dating life has been a shower of disappointment. Lots of rejection, etc. I have been in a serious relationship once, and the nature of it was emotionally abusive. I kept having to straddle the line between holding onto hope and being "realistic"...no one would be genuinely attracted to an obese black girl with red hair and freckles. Throughout my life I've felt that my love life is in fact dead.

As I've gotten older, I've been able to experience Christ (I became a Christian a little over five years ago). Through that I've been able to see the beauty that God has put in me. There is no one like me, there never was anyone like me, and there will never be anyone like me. He made me different for a reason. I've been able to come to terms with my appearance. At the same time, though, I've begun to have dreams of being married, of having a family of my own including a husband and children. My recognition of my God-given uniqueness isn't the same as having a man, and a good man at that, recognize this uniqueness.

This blog is about the journey to faith...learning to truly accept myself and to keep fire glowing on the belief that one day this part of my life will not only be different, but will see a measure of redemption.