Fat

The past couple of months haven't gotten much easier. Just more little things. I find out that I have borderline blood pressure, I'm pre-diabetic and insulin resistant, but it can be reversed with losing weight. However, I find out that the reason why I have gained weight and become pre-diabetic, etc., is not just because of an unhealthy lifestyle, but because of a hormonal disorder. This same hormonal disorder may also make it very difficult for me to have children. That doesn't matter so much now, but it might matter a lot later. So I'm on medication now to help me get the weight off and treat the other problems.

The whole situation, though, has made me face things I didn't want to face. I tend to worry more about my weight than about any other physical characteristic I have, even race. It has probably caused me more pain than anything else, and my experiences due to my weight make me not have faith in people, especially men. I don't trust them because they have not given me a reason to...every single one of them (save the men I'm related to) it seems like can't accept me for who I am, and don't even take the time to find out about me to know if we're even compatible. I'm just sick of them.

But what I really fear is that if I lose weight, then they will pay attention to me. I think that it will make me more cynical and distrusting than I already am. I'm just like most people...I desire true love and devotion, I want to be accepted for who I am. Being fat doesn't make me any less human. Yet if someone can only accept me thin, then it means that in all reality they don't accept me at all.

I wish that I could meet someone...no, not anyone, but a wonderful man with ambition and loves God, and that will accept me right now as I am, so that once I lose weight, I will know that even if there are many men who are shallow and won't accept me, it's not true for all of them. I'm okay enough to be accepted as I am. I don't want to have anxiety about losing weight as I'm doing it because to be honest this concern has been the one thing that has kept me from fighting more fiercely to get the weight off. If I don't have to worry about this, then I can more fully focus on my health, and I won't feel like I'm losing it just to fit the standards of men I can't trust.