Necessary

Valentine's Day was good. No man, but I spent it with friends - Brooke and her husband Jack's place, with Rosa and Brian. We ate dinner, talked and stuff, it was a lot of fun.

Since the epiphany, some things have happened. This past week, I spent some time trying to figure things out. Not so much the truth of the relationship, but trying to figure out what to do next. It's kind of like, "Yeah, now I know, but now what?"

I decided that I would email Alex and tell him how I felt and that I couldn't be a part of the relationship in its present form. So I wrote it on Thursday and sent it off Friday. I thought that would be it. I should've known better.

Alex wanted to talk. I don't know if I did, but I felt that I would need to verbalize to make it all more clear. So we spent both Saturday and Sunday (earlier/yesterday) going over things. Saturday with me explaining how I felt and him trying to clarify his true feelings. And I found out that he broke up with his girlfriend (tried to make sure I didn't look like I was happy or something :-P - yeah I know it wasn't right).

Sunday we put everything out on the table. Everything. We were both probably the most honest about what pisses us off about each other than we ever been in the entire friendship. He got out his problems, and I got out mine. All of them. It was a good thing, I think.

What's so weird, though, is that for both of us this particular friendship is the only one that causes this much tension, stress and drama. I don't know what that means, I don't think he does either, at least not completely. It might be that our personalities conflict. We communicate well on most things - school, life, etc. But not when it comes to each other. I think it's where our communication styles and thought processes cause problems. Typical male/female differences - Alex is more rational, and he's not into "feelings," while I am more emotional, and while I care about being rational, I am also quite passionate, and a lot of times my passion overrides my rationality. Another thing. I am the kind of person who is both outspoken and indecisive. I will tell you in a minute how I feel about something but I am not good at being able to communicate what someone should do about it, or even what I should do about it. I don't like making that call. At the same time, Alex is sort of passive and just internalizes stuff until he is really forced to say something, or feels that he can't get away with not saying anything. And both of us are good at remembering what the other one did, or what we think s/he did, and then bringing it up much later. So that combination of similarities and differences, plus five years worth of misunderstandings, misinterpretation, and misstatements, makes for plenty of tense sotrs/dtrs*.

I think the talk was worth it. I don't know what's going to happen now. But I have too much on my plate right now to deal with it, in terms of school, etc. I don't think that, at least between myself and Alex, that there is anything more to deal with. I think that whatever else there may be is internal. I think that in some ways, I'm too emotionally involved, too emotionally attached to Alex. How one gets attached to someone who is emotionally distant, I'm not sure. But that needs to get untangled. Seriously. Good news is that I won't be hearing from him for a few months, since he has comprehensive exams coming up. I was going to at least give myself space from him, if not cut him off completely. I do think he cares about me to some extent, but I cannot be content with just whatever I get, either. I still do deserve better.


*state of the relationship/define the relationship talks

Epiphany

A couple of nights ago, I had what my friend Brooke calls an "epiphany."

I was driving home late at night from seeing a movie with friends. My head was actually pretty empty. I wasn't doing much in the way of thinking. And it dawned on me.

I haven't been able to get over Alex because I haven't been completely honest. Alex is a crappy friend that I don't need to associate with. He treats me the way he does because I let him, plain and simple.

The reason why this relationship has been so full of tension this past five years is because Alex could not get over himself. Every problem that he and I have had has centered around whether or not I'm still interested in him. When I moved to Cincinnati, Alex did not care if I was settling into the city okay, or if I was adjusting well. All he cared about was the idea that I moved to the city because of him.

He has also taken my realness for weakness. The very fact that he knows I have a past and that I have problems with men makes him believe that I'm "fragile," somehow weaker than other women we know, i.e. Bunny.

My "crisis" of future really made things clear. The friends I have made here have made it clear that they want me to stay. My best friends up north want me to move there and be with them. By contrast, Alex never wanted me to move here to begin with, and when I told him that I might be moving, he seemed a little too happy. He wanted to ship me off to DC.

And the last thing...my friends appreciate me. I love my friends and my acquaintances. They have told me, or at least treated me, as if I matter. They see something good in me. By contrast, Alex has said that being my friend after he rejected me is "the right thing to do." At the time, I didn't catch that totally, or really think about what it meant. But I've realized recently that it basically means that he thinks that he's doing me a favor, that he feels like he's my friend because he has to, not because he wants to. He sees nothing in me worth being treasured, he's taking pity on me. In other words, being my friend is not about me, it's about him.

When I was talking to Brooke, she said something to me that makes sense. In a friendship, it is okay to focus on their well-being more than your own. But if the other person doesn't do the same, there will come a time when you will begin to resent the imbalance and you will cease to care. I don't care anymore. If Alex doesn't care, why should I?

Hate

So most likely I won't leave Cincinnati. I don't think that God is finished with me yet.

Part of the reason why I've wanted to leave is Alex. I'm just now starting to be honest with myself and allow myself to feel the pain. So much of the city reminds me of him - somewhere we've gone, something he said. Five years wasted. I would give almost anything to forget that this chapter of my life ever happened, to leave this place and never look back. But at the same time I need to face my demons. As I have learned from previous experience, I can't run away from my problems.

With each passing day I hate Alex more and more. I know that's not healthy. But it's the truth. Hate is not the opposite of love, it's just love twisted. Because when you hate someone, you actually care. I hate how he's treated me, I hate how he seems to think that he's doing me a favor, "the right thing," by being my friend. I don't think he values me, really, except as an ego booster. I really resent that a lot. Five years of friendship and he sees in me nothing of beauty, value, or appreciation. Nothing. That is really what hurts the most. Although I value the friendship, I feel that it has come at too high a cost.