Changes

My life has been kind of tumultuous...major changes, maybe. It looks like I may be leaving Cincinnati sooner than I thought. I've been praying about it, and I feel at peace about making this decision, oddly enough. If I do leave, then I will probably move back to my hometown by the summer. When I think of my experiences with going back home, I get almost a "Jesus going back to Nazareth" feeling. No, I don't think I'm God, I'm no Jesus by a long shot. But I can relate to the feeling of going back home and the people in His hometown, having known Him growing up, being so closed-minded to what He was about that He couldn't do much there.

A lot of people in my hometown like to place me in a box. I'm the goody-two shoes, the one that people figure would be successful but are so upset about getting "too big for her britches" that they wish I fell flat on my face. Also, I'm sure that Alex is elated that I'm leaving, since I was supposedly following him to the ends of the earth. Bastard. So going back to my hometown is not ideal in my eyes. But I need to do what's best for me, in terms of my sanity and finances, especially my sanity. So the plan is, I think, that I will move back home, finish my thesis, and do the PhD somewhere either closer to home or a place w/more support.

In other news, I'm praying for a measure of redemption for Valentine's Day. It sounds kind of strange, I know. But days such as Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day (a Hallmark holiday from the pits of hottest hell) tend to put me in a bit of depression. Those days tend to be major reminders not only of my singleness, but the hurtful feelings I've had due to rejection, embarrassment, etc. I don't think I've ever had a positive Valentine's Day. But I have seen situations when God does redeem certain days, like birthdays, etc., for people I know. Days that have always been a source of grief rather than a source of celebration. Valentine's Day should be a day of celebration, but I've never felt like celebrating.

I need to extend some faith. I figure that I'll move from the small things to the larger things. I want ultimately to be in a relationship w/someone who truly loves me in a special way. But how can I believe that God will change bigger stuff and not the smaller stuff? I need to trust Him for the smaller stuff, too. So I'm believing that Valentine's Day 2005 will indeed be different, and in an awesome way. I pray that the Lord will honor my faith.