Grandma

So a lot has been going on, but I can't put it all in print. Basically, my friend has been going through some issues, much of it is really shocking and incredible, and I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't observe it with my own eyes. On top of that, I have my own issues. My grandmother passed away over the weekend. I care about it, and it's sad, even though she was elderly (85 years old) and has been ill a long time. I don't deal with death very well, or maybe I deal with it too well. I don't know how to express grief or sorrow properly. If someone near me got killed, God forbid, the cops might think I did it because I tend not to express myself the way someone grieving "should."

It'll be so different going up to my mom's hometown and my grandma not being there. I don't know. I wasn't super close to my grandmother, but she's been my only real grandparent for most of my life. I know it sounds bad, but when my grandfather on my father's side died a few months ago it really didn't matter to me. I hadn't seen him in a number of years, and he and my father didn't have a relationship (long story). I didn't go to the funeral and neither did my dad. I had more grief over my brother's first dog dying than for my grandfather.

But it's different with my grandmother. I spent some time up in my mom's hometown when I was younger, and a lot of my relatives still live up there. To be truthful there was good and bad with being up there because as much as I love my relatives, a lot of them are strange and I don't click well with many of them. But seeing Grandma was a good thing...one thing I do miss about her is her awesome cooking. Before she developed dementia, she was the best cook and baker...she could make baked goods like snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies from scratch, she made some awesome greens. She used to cultivate her own vegetable garden as well, and at one point she was a pretty independent woman. She was also a God-fearing woman. She was a relatively strict, traditional Baptist who was very, very involved in her church. My mother kind of deviated from the rest of her clan because she decided to go Pentecostal (and I'm relatively like my mom in this way), but I'm sure that some of my mom's faithfulness she received from Grandma.

I remember when Grandma took care of my sister and I when my mom gave birth to my brother and almost died from complications. I don't remember where my dad was at the time, he was probably staying with her. I remember the rules being different...she believed in making sure we were in bed early, I think 9pm. I didn't like it because I was a nightowl, but it was good having her there, nevertheless. It's funny how sometimes you don't appreciate the ones you love until they're gone.

So I don't know how I'll feel going to the funeral this weekend. I am really worried about my mother, because as much as she figured she'd take the impending death well, once it happened it didn't seem that way. It's hard to predict how to react to these things. Even as I'm writing this, I'm realizing more what not having Grandma around will really mean. And then it also makes me think of my parents' mortality as well. I get concerned about them a lot anyway, but this kind of stuff makes me think about it a little more. Even though I've become more aware of the fact that they won't be around forever, I don't know what I would do without them.