Mediocrity

So it has been about a week since the "Tomato" incident. Since then, I have talked to Nikolai about his relationship with the 21-year-old (we'll call her "Pat"). My father said a year or so ago that "You can't take Nikolai seriously." I don't think I completely got it then, but it's more than clear now. Here are the highlights of the communications with Nikolai:

- Nikolai didn't plan for me (or anyone else apparently) to find out about his relations with Pat.
- Nikolai and Pat probably don't have much in common due to the age difference.
- He also admits he's dating her because he's bored and wants to spice up his dull life.
- He gets off on the age difference.
- He knows that Pat is average in appearance.
- However, Nikolai says he tends to look for "average" women because he isn't his lifestyle to expect and do well with more.
- He is totally clueless about the direction of his love life and what he actually wants with Pat...whether she'll be a fun fling or a ticket to US permanent residency.
- He knows that I am clearly not average.
- He says he doesn't date colleagues (one year plus after the fact so I think this tidbit is BS).
- He says we don't have "chemistry," and that I would need more than he is capable of giving.
- Apparently, I am the one woman he feels is wise enough to advise him well.
- Per above, to Nikolai, being with me would be like "f***ing the Virgin Mary."

So basically, I found out that, and everything else that the world does not need to know. But I know all I need to know, and then some. It was well worth it to play "counselor" long enough to find out what kind of human being he is. He is a sad excuse for a person who is insecure, immature, and settles for mediocrity. We are not compatible...I am somewhat of a "performer" who is not okay with mediocrity, but wants to do better, live better, and get the most out of life, a type A personality (or maybe an A-). I am not materialistic, but at the same time, I want to really be into a man, and I will accept nothing less than someone who is into me completely, and treats me like the queen I am. Although Nikolai is physically attractive, I know that he is incapable of being the man he would need to be for me, even if he tried. I want my equal, but he is less than equal to me, and he desires even less than equal to him. It's just not going to work.

I actually do care about him, and even though I do not want to be in Pat's position (a secret fling, being seen by my SO as "average"), there is a part of me that still wishes I could be with Nikolai, and it bothers me that the choice was never mine to make. I also feel that, although being a counselor was well worth it for the sake of knowledge, I will henceforth keep my boundaries up. If I continue to allow myself to be the woman that's good enough to share intimate secrets with, but not good enough to date or be with, then that will be selling myself short. Also, if I do not set boundaries, it will be repeating history. I truly cared for Alex, but over time I grew to resent him because he felt he could tell me about his love life, yet I wasn't good enough to be part of it. I do not want to feel that way about Nikolai.

Tomato

So, I've been sorting out my life. Basically, I don't know how I feel. I would rather not see Nikolai, but at the same time, he lives in my building, so I can't exactly avoid it. I don't know if I can even say anything to him. I'm trying to figure out if he's a liar or a cheat. I just don't have any respect for him at all.

He called me earlier because he wanted to know the details of Brooke's birthday. Then he asked me about my life, and I asked him about his. He said he had some stuff going on and he knew I knew that, but he would tell me later. Honestly, that is not a conversation I feel like having.

In a weird way, I still have feelings for him, and I feel like when everything happened last year, there was no closure. I never had much of a say over the situation, and that was very difficult for me. I got led on, and then I got jerked around and crapped on. I was never able to be the woman I needed to be and truly stand up and give my say. I kind of regret that. And the fact that I got passed over by a very average 21-year-old girl really burns me up. A friend put it this way, "You were rejected for a downgrade."

I know that Nikolai isn't right for me, but this fact doesn't make me feel any better. I wish that who I am could've counted for something. It totally didn't, and that hurts. It is one of the many disappointments experienced in Cincinnati. I would love to move to Michigan and never look back. I've been let down so much, and it would be nice to be loved and appreciated, to get back some of the love that I give.

I don't think I can even speak to Nikolai without screaming, crying, or both. I need to leave Cincinnati. I really do.

Lolita

I am leaving for Michigan in three weeks, and after four years of living here, I still have no idea my purpose for being here.

There is a saying based on the Bible that everything is worked for the good of those who love God. In other words, we have to believe that even those things that are bad, tragic, or whatnot, the Lord uses for good. There is always a silver lining.

Yesterday, I woke up almost in tears because I had a vivid dream of talking to Alex over the phone. Really, I do miss him, and if I truly wanted to I could attempt to track him down in Kentucky. But I don't need to bring him back into my life. Having Alex out of my life permanently is what needed to happen for my own sanity and well-being. It doesn't feel good, though.

I already was having kind of a bad day because of that. I was about to make myself a balanced dinner, when I go into the kitchen and see Nikolai - with a date. He met an undergrad through a buddy of his, and they were having a little dinner date and then going to play tennis. It took me a while to realize that she was his date. The girl was polite and friendly. She was also 21, with an average body (maybe size 10-12), pimply face, bug eyes, and limp mousy blonde hair.

I first thought to myself "What does she have that I don't? I'm friendly too, and more educated, and a hell of a lot hotter than her. What makes her better than me?" Just being in the kitchen with those two was an uncomfortable feeling...she pretended not to know how to cut salad items, and she laughed at everything he said. I felt like I was in the middle of a "To Catch a Predator" sting operation. I was cooking chicken, and I attempted to speed through the process on the George Foreman grill...pressing down on the chicken, praying that it would hurry up and cook all the way through so I could be out of there. And then I took my chicken and the rest of my Mediterranean salad and went upstairs. I couldn't even eat. All I could do is cry, softly. The whole day had been a validation of how I felt about my life in Cincinnati, that it was hell and everything I touched, particularly when it came to dating, turned to crap.

I talked to Brooke and to my mother, and both pretty much said the same thing. The problem is not me, it is Nikolai. It's not that I'm not as good as this average 21-year-old undergrad. It is just that Nikolai is the kind of person who is not man enough to be with someone his equal, particularly if she is somewhat headstrong. He likes to be in the position of teacher-adviser-mentor, and not just in terms of work. He likes to play that role in his relationships, particularly with women, and he has a difficult time dealing with a woman who doesn't eat up everything he says as if they are pearls of wisdom from God himself. My mother added that he has nothing to offer me that would make him superior to me. I am not some young undergrad from a small hick town in Ohio, I'm in the same program he is in, for something a little different, and while I may not be as well-traveled as he is, I have a lot of life experience outside academia that he just doesn't have. We are different, yet equal. He doesn't want a give-and-take, he wants to be in a relationship that is primarily a one-way street. It's not going to happen with a late-20's black American colleague from Detroit. Maybe it will with a 21-year old white underling from a small hick town on the American countryside - as long as the novelty remains. I am just not the one.

Speaking of novelty...in talking to Brooke, I thought also of something else. It might even be that for the girl, she is looking for novelty, and of course with a 30-year-old PhD candidate in social sciences from an exotic country, it's the ultimate novelty for her. But I'm 26, and way past novelty. Sure, I thought it was neat getting to know someone from country I only knew previously for its soccer team and Russian-ish names. But I never felt that he was better than me, or that he didn't eat, drink, sleep, and use the bathroom just like everyone else. Besides, I grew up with foreigners, and I couldn't have cared less if he came from the moon. I did the novelty thing when I was 17. It wasn't a foreign thing, it was a "Westside Story" thing (wrong side of the tracks)...he was from a rich Grosse Pointe family and I was from a working-class family in the city of Detroit. It was neat at first, but quickly the novelty wore off and we had little in common. After you do it once, you recognize it for what it is, and you learn that novelty doesn't make a relationship.

Although Nikolai complains about people thinking he's the type who is out to screw his young students, apparently he wouldn't be above that. Bottom line is that as it is, basically Nikolai is playing the role of the exotic 30-year-old teacher who is giving an adult education to a 21-year-old innocent. He is too much of a boy and not enough of a man to deal with a woman who is at or near his stage in life. It goes to show that I am more quality than Nikolai could ever hope to have.

360

So, it's been eight years, one month, since graduating high school, four years, one month since graduating college, three years and ten months since first moving to cincinnati, one year, one month since passing exams and moving towards candidacy, and eight months, seven days since losing my father. All I can do is shrug.

I think Alex moved to Kentucky for his residency, but I'm not sure, and I try not to really care. Nikolai is now my housemate, but only until I move back to Michigan. I have a job waiting for me, although I think I'm going to need one more to really make it. Since the job is teaching one 3-cr course down in Toledo, I don't think that trying to find one more small thing will be a problem. I am looking forward to being closer to my family, and I'll feel better being where I can help my mom out, but at the same time, the whole idea of moving back home doesn't do much for my pride.

In any case, I can't help but have the feeling that I just don't belong. I don't belong here. I also feel like living in Cincinnati has been a waste of the past four years. I wish that something could happen between now and then that will show me that the time I spent here was not for nothing.