Taste

Well, stuff has been going on, but I can't say that most of it is interesting. I'm studying hard for the exam in May, and then getting my application packet together for this fellowship I'm going for. My friends are having personal and relationship issues, and I inadvertently got caught up in that over the weekend. Nikolai is still in Europe, and Alex is still a regular reader of my other blog. Not much is new.

I got a chance to talk with a couple of my friends over the past week. I usually consider ther to be a difference between being attracted to someone and liking someone. In my reflections, I realized that Nikolai is probably the first person in a long time that fits my physical, mental, and spiritual tastes. Usually it's one out of three, and I care most about two out of three.

Alex was not my type physically, but he grew on me, mainly because he was intriguing and intelligent. I met him through campus ministry, and I thought he was spiritually strong in Christ because he grew up in a Christian home. Mind you, at the time I made this judgment, I had just become a Christian, and so I didn't have a great deal of wisdom. Later on, he slipped away from Christ and became a functioning agnostic. My high school sweetheart was not my type physically, but he grew on me also, mainly because of his offbeat sense of humor. But as I started caring more about spiritual things, it put a strain on the relationship, since he was an RC ("recovering" Catholic) and much like Alex (though less philosophical), he was a functioning agnostic and spiritually bankrupt.

Nikolai is someone who I have liked for a long time, but I didn't allow myself to really "feel" it until a month and a half ago. Liked in a mental/personality sense, because he is smart, insightful, down-to-earth, and a genuinely caring and kind person. But I was also attracted to him physically. I have always, at least since my hockey-watching days back in high school (though maybe even before that), been attracted to Eastern European men. I think it's the contrast in coloration (light skin, dark hair/eyes), and the hairiness that is seen in many of them. And the accent. So there's that :-), but then Nikolai has other physical features, probably independent of his ethnicity to some extent, that are attractive. And then, to find as well, through his admission and evidenced through his actions, that he is a person of faith. And it's something he's serious about, but at the same time he hasn't checked his brain at the door. That's really cool...kinda different than how it is normally for me.

Musings

So I've been spending time trying to get things together. I am studying so I can pass comprehensive exams in May, and also for fellowships so I can get a running start on my dissertation and so I can stay in Cincinnati for at least another year. Just lots to do, and needing to make myself do it.

One of my good friends from Detroit thinks that the main reason I want to stay in Cincinnati is because of Nikolai, who also plans on staying another year. At the same time, my family thought I wanted to leave Cincinnati because of Alex. Apparently, I am only capable of making decisions based on hormones :-P. I cannot make decisions as a forward-thinking, rational human being. Basically, I can't win for losing...

In other news, Alex apparently cannot quite let go, as I noticed he's still checking out my weblog (not this one). I mean, it's not like I can do anything about that, since it's public. It's not even a big deal. It is what it is. I just find it strange that someone who didn't give two craps about me would care to know what is going on in my life. Maybe if he sees that I have no use for him, he'll get the point.

The weirdest thing is, I kind of miss Nikolai. Not in a "oh so in love" kind of way. Anyway, looking forward to the first full week of February...

Continued

Okay, so I'm still up, b/c I came back from Nikolai's about an hour ago. The night was really cool. Well, he and Brooke's boyfriend "Ali" are roommates, and so me, Brooke, and Ali were going to have a dinner for him. So I ended up deciding, since Brooke and Ali were doing some other things, that after I made my buffalo wings (Mom's recipe), I would see if I could go over to the house early. So I called Nikolai, and went over there. He was packing, so I kept him company. Then he had to run a quick errand, and so he let me use his laptop (which was where the last entry came from). Then just as I sent it, he came back with a friend of his (male) who was there for a little bit, and left maybe 30 minutes later. Not long after Nikolai and the friend came to the house, Brooke and Ali showed up. We ate the wings, which Nikolai (as well as everyone else) loved. Maybe I'll observe my mom cook more often, from now on.

Later on, we had a beer/champagne/orange cleaner fight (don't ask), and so we were all beer soaked and gross. Nikolai and I ducked out of the fight at some point, and got to talking in another room. Then a couple of the neighbors came over, so that was cool. Then they left. At that point I asked if he was ready to go to bed, since he was exhausted with all the preparation for the trip. So he said that he wasn't yet, since he was used to being up really late, and he knew I was too. So we talked for another hour or so, then I got up, told him I would wash dishes since I had brought my pan over the house, and then I would leave. So he kept me company while I did that. Then I went home.

So apparently I will be the last of his Cincinnati/American friends to see him before he leaves, since I will be taking him to the airport. Apparently, Brooke was supposed to take him, but she had something come up. So she was going to take him even earlier than he needed to be there, but he remembered that I offered to take him, and so he decided to take me up on it. Come to find out, he hadn't taken me up on it before b/c he thought it would conflict with my classes, since unlike them, I'm still doing actual coursework. But I told him that it's no problem b/c I don't have Monday classes and my grad assistant work is primarily in the morning. So there you go.

I was talking to one my best friends earlier about what it means to truly get over someone, since she recently experienced a relationship breakup. After all I've been through, I think I finally know what that means. You're truly over someone when you're not thinking about them, when you're not angry with them, you aren't dwelling on what went wrong, and you are no longer jaded because the relationship didn't go the way you wanted it to.

Five years after the initial rejection, I really believe I'm finally over Alex. Yes it took me half a decade, and I was into him for a quarter of my life, but whatever. Even if I think about him (usually b/c someone else brings him up), I'm not angry at him or what he did. Besides the fact that I am finally getting my positivity and optimism back, earlier I realized another marker of getting over him. I forgot his birthday. No seriously, I forgot his birthday. Up until now, I always remembered his birthday, even if I pretended not to acknowledge it. But it came this past Wednesday, and it passed, and I didn't even think about it. At all. It just occurred to me earlier tonight, and I had to laugh.

Probably the only reason why it even occurred to me was because I added Nikolai's birthday to my mental calendar of friends' birthdays...his will be very easy to remember b/c it's three days after my father's, although no it's not the same year, of course :-). Just like I thought, he is 28, and so that makes him almost 4 years older than me. He's probably the oldest person I've been into, not just in terms of raw years, but also in terms of age difference. I have always been into guys close to my age. Really close to my age. Like usually within a year or two. Maybe I'm getting older, and since I'm getting older, age differences don't mean so much. Just so long as he's not old enough to be my daddy.

I think that I'm happy right now, not just b/c of Nikolai, but b/c I'm beginning to see more clearly what I want from my life, what I want from a man, and for the first time in, like, ever, I believe that I can actually get it.

Wondering

Yeah I'm an idiot since I'm writing this post from Nikolai's computer. But whatever. It is what it is, I guess.

So not a whole lot new is going on, but I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I've just been in a great mood. And no, nothing has changed. Tonight myself, Brooke, and her boyfriend are doing a dinner for Nikolai, to send him off. He'll be going to Europe tomorrow for a month, for research and to see his people in his home country. I am glad I've been able to see him before he goes away. Yeah, I think I'll miss him, but he'll be back. In any case, what I'm really wondering is how he'll be when he comes back in February. Hmmmm...

Back

Happy 2006!

So break is over, and I'm back in Cincinnati. I have a good feeling about this year. I don't know how it will turn out. But at the same time, I think it will turn out well overall.

Over the break, I spent plenty of time with my family, had a chance to talk to a couple of my friends that I grew up with. I also got a chance to talk to Nikolai a couple of times. It's funny...as I was getting off the phone with him on Christmas Eve, he actually asked me when I was making it back to town, and offered to come get me from the bus station. And I didn't even have to ask him. Of course that's not a huge deal, but at the same time, maybe I'm used to dealing with self-centered men.

So the year from hell is over, and it's the start of a better year believing in faith. I have seen just how amazing life is, and that good things can come from the most unexpected of places. I also have seen that sometimes we don't always see the big picture when we're in the middle of small situations, but when we do, it can be mindblowing.

I think that Nikolai and I are becoming better friends. I don't know if anything else will come out of it or not. But it's really, really cool. I ran into him earlier today. And we were talking, and I noticed that he was touching me. A lot. No, not in an overtly sexual manner, and definitely not inappropriately. But it was still noticeable. I don't know exactly what that means. I don't know if it's that he's into me or if it's a sign that he's more comfortable with me as a friend. And it's even harder to figure out b/c of the cultural difference. In any case, I was just fine with it, and I felt comfortable with it. Which is weird for me, a person who tends to tense up when people up and touch me unexpectedly. My goodness, I was even like that with Alex. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm just weird.

I think I like Nikolai, but in a different way than I've been into anyone. I think that every friendship and every relationship in general is different. I think it's different because I don't feel like I have to impress him, or be someone that I'm not. Because he and I are friends, truly friends, I feel like I can truly be myself around him and be completely real with him. Also, because he is a relatively upbeat and positive person, I feel good when I'm around him and after being around him. I don't think I have a crush on him. But I do like him. And it truly doesn't matter what happens between us - what trajectory the friendship follows. I just feel blessed to have him in my life.