Failure

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain." - Abraham Cowley

Last Friday was Nikolai's house party. It was partly to celebrate his 30th birthday, and partly to send off myself and another friend moving out of the area. The party itself was great, and Nikolai demonstrated he could really put one on. I enjoyed myself, for the most part, although the tail end of the night I really don't remember. It amazes me how one could shut off portions of the brain and still be functional.

So Pat showed up at the party. Brooke thinks the girl is ugly, and she thinks I was being nice by calling her "average." But really, it's kind of an insignificant point. At one point in the night, Nikolai and Pat were sitting next to each other and kind of across from me. They were hugged up, and even kissed. When they kissed, it felt like a little part of me died.

It makes me think...was I into Nikolai that much? On one hand, he has shown himself to be a liar, a hypocrite, and a sycophant. He is duplicitous and he can't seem to live life honestly at all. I know that I deserve better than Nikolai. Yet there was the fact that he inserted himself into my life during my struggle and turmoil with Alex. Nikolai seemed like a dream man...he is my type physically, he talks without pulling teeth, we are similar in a lot of ways, he is dominant without trying to make him so.

But it just didn't work.

And not only it didn't work, but it appears that it does work between Nikolai and a 21-year old average-looking girl who barely knows how to wipe her own ass.

I should have been the one hugged up on him. I should have been the one locking lips with him. But apparently, I failed miserably.

It was just so wrong.

It was the icing on top of the huge "Fuck You" cake that is Cincinnati, Ohio; it's the boot in the pants on the way out.

It'll be good to start over again. This time, it won't do me well to just forget Cincinnati, though. I have to deal with my hurt and rejected feelings concerning Nikolai and also Alex. I have to deal with the memories of what they have done and what I allowed to happen. That, on top of the loss of my father. Alex and Nikolai, on top of my lack of love life and my questionable abilities to have children in the future. I need healing, restoration, and redemption. God needs to make things right.