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So, basically, since I last wrote, I ended up finally standing up for myself against Nikolai. To make a long story short, Brooke planned a going-away party for me. A group of my closest Cincinnati friends were there, and Nikolai showed up...with his girlfriend. I just could not take it anymore, and I pulled him aside to tell him that what he did was inappropriate and selfish. He ended up taking the girlfriend home, and then came back briefly to wish me well.

The next day he came up to me to tell me what he really thought about the situation, which was that he felt I was unreasonably hurt, he is into someone else now, and I needed to "get over it." I explained to him that it's deeper than "you hurt me, you don't like me, poor me" or whatever is floating in his head. He broke trust with me and that has to be re-earned, and while I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, and when he does stuff that he knows will bother me, it doesn't exactly give encouragement for to trust him. Besides, how am I supposed to "get over" anything if he and I were living together? Anyway, in the end, he said that he values my friendship, he knows that Cincinnati was hard for me, and that he hopes and prays that Michigan will be better for me than Cincinnati was, and that he believes I will find myself with a man by my side.

For whatever reason, the whole Nikolai rejection thing hurts like hell, and I can't exactly say why. Maybe it's because of transference from the Alex situation. Then again, maybe it was the hope that Nikolai held out before pulling the rug out from under me. Maybe it's the fact that I thought that for once, things would be different, but in the end the outcome was all too familiar. It's hard to know, really. But in any case, there is nothing I can do about it. And maybe, just maybe, Nikolai's choice not to be with me opens doors for something better in my life.

Speaking of that, I've finally moved to Michigan. It's so weird being out of Cincinnati. I'm happy, though. It's a start of a new life. In a way, I'm sad that I don't have any expectations, because whatever expectations I had in the past when moving (Cincinnati, Columbus, etc.), seemed to go to crap. At the same time, I am back home, so it's hard to know what's going to happen when you go home. Sometimes the best things come from the unlikeliest of places. And also, maybe expecting nothing isn't a bad thing. Deep in my heart, I still yearn for a time when restoration and redemption will occur in my life. But at the same time, I know that I need to be changed to experience change. I'm going to take the time now to change the way I live and the character of who I am.