Mediocrity

So it has been about a week since the "Tomato" incident. Since then, I have talked to Nikolai about his relationship with the 21-year-old (we'll call her "Pat"). My father said a year or so ago that "You can't take Nikolai seriously." I don't think I completely got it then, but it's more than clear now. Here are the highlights of the communications with Nikolai:

- Nikolai didn't plan for me (or anyone else apparently) to find out about his relations with Pat.
- Nikolai and Pat probably don't have much in common due to the age difference.
- He also admits he's dating her because he's bored and wants to spice up his dull life.
- He gets off on the age difference.
- He knows that Pat is average in appearance.
- However, Nikolai says he tends to look for "average" women because he isn't his lifestyle to expect and do well with more.
- He is totally clueless about the direction of his love life and what he actually wants with Pat...whether she'll be a fun fling or a ticket to US permanent residency.
- He knows that I am clearly not average.
- He says he doesn't date colleagues (one year plus after the fact so I think this tidbit is BS).
- He says we don't have "chemistry," and that I would need more than he is capable of giving.
- Apparently, I am the one woman he feels is wise enough to advise him well.
- Per above, to Nikolai, being with me would be like "f***ing the Virgin Mary."

So basically, I found out that, and everything else that the world does not need to know. But I know all I need to know, and then some. It was well worth it to play "counselor" long enough to find out what kind of human being he is. He is a sad excuse for a person who is insecure, immature, and settles for mediocrity. We are not compatible...I am somewhat of a "performer" who is not okay with mediocrity, but wants to do better, live better, and get the most out of life, a type A personality (or maybe an A-). I am not materialistic, but at the same time, I want to really be into a man, and I will accept nothing less than someone who is into me completely, and treats me like the queen I am. Although Nikolai is physically attractive, I know that he is incapable of being the man he would need to be for me, even if he tried. I want my equal, but he is less than equal to me, and he desires even less than equal to him. It's just not going to work.

I actually do care about him, and even though I do not want to be in Pat's position (a secret fling, being seen by my SO as "average"), there is a part of me that still wishes I could be with Nikolai, and it bothers me that the choice was never mine to make. I also feel that, although being a counselor was well worth it for the sake of knowledge, I will henceforth keep my boundaries up. If I continue to allow myself to be the woman that's good enough to share intimate secrets with, but not good enough to date or be with, then that will be selling myself short. Also, if I do not set boundaries, it will be repeating history. I truly cared for Alex, but over time I grew to resent him because he felt he could tell me about his love life, yet I wasn't good enough to be part of it. I do not want to feel that way about Nikolai.