Redemption

Since last October, a great deal has occurred, and life is quite different in a few important ways.

Unexpectedly, my older sister (who I had previously never met) found me back in January. A couple of months later, I got a chance to meet my birth mother, siblings and some of that side of my family. It's amazing, really. It has been a real blessing. I'm having the opportunity to get to know them, and they are getting to know me. I'm also getting to know a side of my father that I was not aware of, and even though he and I were close, I feel like in death, I'm getting to know him better as well. I'm also learning more about myself, my own identity, who I am. I feel more...whole.

I stopped talking to Jordan sometime in October, after it became clear that he did not care about me, he had thrown me under the bus and he was going to stay with Bertha. I also found out that he had cheated on Bertha not only w/me, but had slept with at least six women other than Bertha in a few month time span. I'm glad I didn't go all the way with him, but it still made me angry that he played w/my feelings like that, even on a friends level, which we were supposed to be... friends don't do that to friends. I briefly went through a stupid phase where I just stopped caring about myself. I made some poor choices in regards to who I was going out with, including a 21-year-old frat boy who wanted to be with a fat girl discreetly, and a middle-aged man who turned out to be married with three school-aged children and wanted a fling with a young chubby. I never had sex with them, but even going out with them wasn't smart on my part.

After a nervous breakdown that same month, I went into counseling, and back to church. I learned how to value myself more, and I learned to value the important things in life, like family and friends, instead of worrying about being in a relationship.

In late November, after I had stopped looking, someone came across me out of the blue. I started talking to someone new, and early the next month, we started dating. We'll call him Ryan. We clicked pretty much from the get-go, we're similar in a lot of ways, our backgrounds are similar in some key ways, and well, he's just really an awesome guy. He's around my age, from Cincinnati, he's a student at a local technical college, looking to finish in about a year (similar timetable that I have). Yes, he drives. He does live at home, but he does so in part to take care of his grandmother who raised him, who is now wheelchair-bound. He's smart, and he has a sarcastic sense of humor, much like myself. He's also white, chunky but not uber-fat, but not new to dating interracially or dating larger women publicly.

Ryan and I are in love with each other. We're attracted to each other, have great chemistry...intellectual, personality-wise, sexual, etc. We're really good for each other. Ryan and I have been together over five months now, and it's just gotten better, really. I've met his family and friends, he's met my friends, and will meet my family next month when we go up to Michigan for my 10-year high school reunion. I don't want to jinx things, but I think he's it. Yay! But we shall see.

So, what happened to Jordan, Bertha, and the baby after I stepped out of the picture? I don't care on a personal level, but it's interesting for curiosity's sake. Given the fact that I know his friends, and his website is ridiculously rife w/personal information, I know the postscript.

Bertha moved to my family's/Jordan's neighborhood in November with her father, both on Section 8/public assistance. Jordan moved in with them shortly thereafter (technically in violation of rules pertaining to Section 8). Their baby girl was born in late February. Apparently, they had been having problems for a long time, but predictably, it intensified after their daughter was born. He kept up his cheating lifestyle, and not only that, he was mooching off Bertha and her family. She still took drugs and smoked, and got the cops called on her for domestic violence for throwing objects at Jordan. Her siblings, including a convicted drug dealer, moved into the house. Jordan's computer (his baby) was pawned for bail money, and for his part, he was screwing around on Bertha with his good friend. When she found out, she tried to fight her.

Meanwhile, Jordan sent me a text message sometime in early April, noting that I had deleted him off of my friends list on the social networking site (I had done it months earlier). To which I ignored him until he messaged me again a week later, and also messaged me online. He made the comment along with it, "Did my brother talk to you?" To which I told him that his brother did not, but that I knew that he had been sleeping with a lot of women, and knowing that I was not so experienced and just not in a good mindset, he looked to take advantage of that for his own personal pleasure, which is not what friends do, so I cut him off.

Then, at the end of April, Jordan and Bertha broke up, and Jordan moved back in with his parents. Bertha got into trouble again with the police for driving without insurance and for possession of unauthorized prescription narcotics. Jordan, for his part, isn't financially to his daughter's care (not shocking), and will most likely end up getting child support sucked out of his check at work.

Jordan made his blog and webpage public, probably to try to make Bertha look bad, putting out there the problems she and her family has. At the same time, he also inadvertently looks really bad doing it. Apparently, his mom and Bertha don't get along, and his brother (the one he asked me about, who lives overseas), Jordan and Bertha have been engaged in a flame war via social networking site. Jordan's brother is probably the only person in the whole situation that I respect. He called both of them out on what they did: Bertha because she acts crazy and ignorant, Jordan because he is promiscuous, doesn't use protection, and used someone for sex w/out being honest about it, and both for thinking that living together would be best for their daughter.

I don't get excited at other people's misfortune. However, I don't feel bad for anyone in this situation but the baby. She has stupid nutjobs for parents.

I don't feel bad for Jordan at all - he is getting his just deserts. He is a very selfish person, and he cultivated his own karma. Using and misusing other people without regard for their well-being equals bad juju. Now I understand why He led me on and almost took my virginity without any regard for my feelings, he screwed over as countless other women, but he screwed Bertha over most...leading her on, using her for a fuck buddy without making that clear to her, getting her pregnant. He asked for all he's getting right now. His life is screwed, and he has no one to blame but himself.

I don't feel all that bad for Bertha either. Sort of, but not really. On one hand, she was self-medicating, probably due to a screwed up family life and the death of her mother. She also seemed to have bad self-esteem, and Jordan took full advantage of that. After apparently being treated badly, she met someone who told her what she longed to hear, and it made an impression on her. At the same time, she knew pretty much from the beginning that Jordan was not a good person for her or anyone, but like most women (myself included), she heard the right words instead of looking at context. She knew that even though they were together since March 2008, he didn't come out public with their relationship for months. She knew he was being unfaithful from the beginning. She knew that he slept with others unprotected, and that behavior could give him an STD or HIV, and she could catch it from him. Although she wanted children, she knew he wasn't interested in kids or even being a one-woman man (he wanted to be a "pimp"). She was aware of all of these things and yet gambled with her health and her life, and stayed with him, even choosing to have a child with him, and allowing him to use her for sex and money. Nevertheless, I hope that she learns to love herself, and lives a better life going forward with her little girl.

As for myself, I'm very glad that I left out (or was pushed out) when I did. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I escaped getting an STD or HIV (made sure I got tested). I escaped pregnancy and the prospect of being tied into this messy situation forever. Also, considering that Bertha is drug addicted and violent, and would rather blame other women than Jordan for Jordan's bad behavior, I'm glad that her ire wasn't directed towards me or my family, who live in the same neighborhood as she and Jordan. I'm glad I could make a clean break, and start my life anew. I'm glad that I could meet Ryan instead, who is a better man than anyone I could have ever expected.

Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. Sometimes, things work out the way they should.