Jaded

These days, I'm at the point to where I have been looking to take some control over what happens in my life, from my finances to my love life. I can't say that I'm particularly thrilled with my position in life, but I can't say I'm miserable either.

Nikolai apparently defended his dissertation today; I received the announcement from the department via email. I'm not sure how it went, but it did motivate me to make more progress on my own research. The way that everything went down still stings to some degree, although I think that in the end, I'm better off for things ending up the way they did. As for Pat and the baby, I have no clue...haven't talked to Brooke, which is another story, I guess.

As for myself, I'm not sure to what degree I'm feeling Michigan. It's just more of the story of my life...those who I like don't want to acknowledge my existence, although unlike in the past, I believe that it speaks to their character (or lack thereof) and not some deficiency on my part. At the same time, there is someone that I think likes me to some degree, but I'm not sure it will work.

I'll call him Jordan, he's about my age, and he lives in my neighborhood. We have gone out a couple of times, and we talk on the phone or online from time to time. He's great to talk to, and I feel comfortable with him and enjoy his company, not to mention that he is also attractive. I also know that he is attracted to larger women, which is rare among my age set (and works out because I want to be with someone my age). I also like the fact that he shows interest in me.

However, he has a dead-end teenager's job, doesn't drive (never bothered to learn), lacks ambition and curiosity of the world outside what he knows, and he's agnostic.

I think that if at least two of those drawbacks were different, I think I could live with it. However, I can't help but to feel that if I were to pursue anything more than friendship with Jordan, I would be selling out and falling into the "big girl" trap of settling for less than what I desire and what will make me happy.

The truth is that beyond being a larger woman, I have a great deal going for me. I'm well-educated and on my way to a lucrative career, I am self-sufficient and I have my own income and transportation, not to mention that I am ambitious, curious, fun-loving, loyal and honest, and willing to try almost anything once. I also possess integrity and character, and I have chosen to be chaste in a world that celebrates anything but. I don't see why a number on a scale should preclude me from finding happiness with someone who also brings something to the table.

I feel that if I compromise my own standards, I open myself up to be used with nothing given in return. I don't want to be anyone's sugar mama, I don't want to be taken for less than I am worth. I don't want to just give myself away.

I love to travel and I want to see the world, and want to have someone I can do that with. I don't mind being the one making more money, but I do mind being the one to take care of everyone else, the one to take on more than I can bear. I don't want to be any man's chauffeur. I want someone who will make me feel like a lady and cared for to some degree...I don't want to feel like a man, or a mother, or something other than a girlfriend or a wife.

Jordan's agnosticism doesn't bother me as much as it probably should. The truth is that I have major issues with Christian men...the ones I have met are more shallow than most men in general. I'm the kind of girl who knows from experience that eHarmony and religious personals sites are a waste of time if you don't look like media's gift to the male gender. Honestly, I would love to be with someone who is on the same page I am when it comes to something so core to me as my faith in Christ. At the same time, the Christian men I meet tend to be the kind who will swear up and down they are sold out for God, they try to live in Christ's image, etc., yet have no appreciation for the fact that God made us all in His image. I seem to have better luck with non-Christians, because they're not so conformist. Maybe God can help to rehab the image I have of my brothers in Christ.

In any case, Jordan presents a tough case for me, and one that I haven't had the occasion to face before...someone that I truly like and feel great around, but at the same time doesn't seem to offer what I need long-term. I don't know how to deal with that, or make it right. I can't make Jordan into someone he is not, just like Alex or Nikolai couldn't make me into someone I was not. At the same time, he is someone that I both like and feel like I can be myself around, and I've never felt like that before about any man. I just don't know how I can deal with this the right way.

In other news, sort of related to the long-term prospects of a relationship with anyone here in Michigan...there is an outside possibility that I might move back to Cincinnati in the fall. I applied for a possible job opportunity that would allow me to finish school more quickly and conveniently, gain experience in teaching subjects that dovetail with my research interests, and for the first time in my life, allow me to earn a solid middle-class salary. But it's in the Cincinnati area. That said, if I did move back, I would not live in my old neighborhood, and I am no longer in touch with either Alex or Nikolai, so it probably wouldn't be so bad. We'll see. It's not likely, but we'll see.

This week, I'm going to an academic seminar on the other side of the state. I'm so looking forward to it. If anything of note happens, I'll mention it:-).