Realization

As Alanis Morrisette says, "Life has a funny way of helping you out."

So after the weekend spent with Jordan, everything was pretty much over. He and Bertha are moving into a house together in the same neighborhood, and they're going to make their life together. I ended up being the odd woman out. To be expected, but it really hurt a lot.

I spent the week following my trip to Michigan on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I was either crying or sleeping, with little else in between. Sunday was the worst. I spent most of the day asleep, and almost missed my friend's dinner party, where Brooke's husband was coming back to town from central Asia, and Nikolai was breezing into town as well. It was great seeing the both of them. And the funny thing was that Nikolai and I were sitting around and share war stories about liars and babies. Even he said that it was bad to see that happen to someone like me, and I'll meet someone better. So the time spent was great. But later that night, I went home, couldn't sleep, began to cry uncontrollably, felt paralyzed with hopelessness, and thought I was losing my mind. I was at the end of my rope and I had to do something.

The next day, I went to the doctor for a routine physical. She put me on medication to calm me down, and referred me to a therapist. I've been on the medication for two days and already I'm feeling better. I'm also looking forward to the therapy as well.

I know it's a little early for reflection, but I'm doing it anyway. While I still feel sad about what happened with Jordan, I think that meeting him, dating him, becoming romantic with him, and then finding out about him - collectively speaking - Jordan was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. Somewhere in Cincinnati (the first stint) I lost my mind. I had lost faith in God, which is the foundation of a healthy life. I was battling some form of depression, and I figured that if I found a person who could make me happy, it would help. In Michigan, I met Jordan, who in retrospect, I was sexually compatible with, but not compatible with in most other areas of life. But I did not know what the feeling was, and I felt great with him, so I took it for what it was worth and then some.

I am a doctoral candidate in the social sciences and he was a slacker with a dead-end job. This was a guy who, as Brooke would say, has an online "boob gallery." What was I doing with him? While I am not an elitist, the fact was that Jordan was not good enough for me, not by a long shot. i had everything to offer and he had nothing to offer but great sex. Even after finding out that he had a drug-addicted, insane, "baby mama" girlfriend that he refused to leave, I still stayed with him. I continued to be sexually intimate with him and I almost lost my virginity to him. And then he decided to make it work with her and he was effectively done with me, after I made it clear to him I no longer wanted to be his fuck buddy. Combine the "breakup" with the impending two-year anniversary of my father's death, and you get a nervous breakdown.

Since getting help, I am starting to see my life a little differently. I have not been myself since my father died. I have been making decisions that are stupid, self-destructive and potentially deadly.