Drugs

So I thought that this was the end of Jordan. Unfortunately, men have a way sometimes of lingering a little longer than they deserve to.

I went through a range of emotions...pissed, angry, sad, depressed, etc. It's not because Jordan was the best guy on the face of the planet; he definitely wasn't. It was because on some level, I liked Jordan, and I was hurt about being lied to, and unwittingly playing second fiddle to someone else.

On Friday, I had confronted Jordan about Bertha over the phone. He was being kind of bitchy because I was pushing to talk to him and he had to work 48 hours last week. But did I care? No way. When I asked him why he didn't inform me about the fact that he had a girlfriend, he changed his tune. He said that he didn't tell me "because I suck," and then proceeded to tell me that he hadn't been sure he wanted to commit to anyone. He said that he didn't realize his boundaries with me considering how I felt and that I'm still a virgin. He said it was good that I was waiting. Come to find out, his first sexual encounter happened to be with a girl who was mixed w/black, and the sex happened to be good. But for whatever reason, he waited for a few years to sleep with someone else. In any case, he also mentioned that he was iffy on Bertha, that on one hand, there are things he likes about her, but on the other hand, she's on drugs (pill popping and smoking weed), and she's immature and full of drama. To which I told him that he chose to be with her, and he should commit if he really wants to be with her, and if not, he needs to break up with her. That simple.

I had reverted to passive-aggressivism for the past few days and wrote a series of blog entries on that site chronicling my feelings about the situation (without spelling out the situation in detail). Cried, talked, wrote, got trashed, etc. The situation bothered me even more. It seemed like something was wrong with Bertha anyway because she came off as being a little too sold out for Jordan - too clingy, too sensitive, too willing to start arguments with random people over him. The other day, she even cursed out some girl who wrote a comment about Jordan's ex-friend back in January. She also looked a lot older than 24 years of age...more like 40. And so on one hand, the fact that she's a drug user makes the picture clearer to me. On the other hand, it hurt my pride because I played second fiddle to a crazy drug addict. What the hell?

So I get an email from Jordan Monday (that he sent on Sunday). saying that he read the weblog articles, and while he wasn't sorry he made out with me, he was sorry that he didn't tell me he was with Bertha. We ended up writing back and forth since. What it comes down to is that it seems he wants to stay with her so she can get off the drugs and get over her mom dying a year and a half ago. I don't think it's going to happen, it reminds me a lot of myself and Matt. But to each his own.

I didn't realize at the time that this situation would bother me so much. It's a strange pain. I cannot say that there is anything about Bertha that makes her more desirable than me. She's on drugs, is unemployed, she lives a life full of drama, she looks old and homely, and she's bigger than me, both size, weight, and height, and doesn't carry her weight as well as me. Even he says that she is not as mature as me, and I'm more stable than she is. And yet Jordan got with her, and I was the other woman. This is hard to wrap my head around. I cannot figure out for the life of me what is wrong with me to where I ended up losing.

And also, this...we did things that friends don't do. He and I were friends, I felt comfortable with him and everything. We crossed that line between friendship and something else. And now come to find out, it was really nothing. That really hurt. How did I end up being the one who is alone? I have everything this man seems to want, and I was willing to extend grace to him, and yet I get cut?! That really, really hurts.