Rehabilitation

Shockingly enough, it looks like I will be moving back to Cincinnati, and soon. I accepted a year-long position at a university in the area, and will also be teaching part-time for my school's department. I'm excited about the position, and I feel good, for the most part, about the move.

This past year has been a rehabilitation of sorts. I remember leaving Cincinnati with my tail between my legs, my entire emotional and spiritual self torn to shreds due to the toxic relationships I experienced with Alex and Nikolai.

I think that these days, while I am not a fan of men in general, my image of them is somewhat more balanced. I've begun to learn how to be friends with men again. The truth is that while most of my friends are women, I often feel like I have more to talk about with men than with women. I have more in common with them. Men will talk about harder issues, and even their small talk is more interesting...fighting, action movies, actors, singers and personalities I've actually heard of. Women, on the other hand, tend to talk about their families, and fluffy things on TV. I can identify with neither.

Also, I have become more convinced that men are capable of seeing my beauty. Not only Jordan, but others as well. I've been approached by other men, and I have begun to learn how to speak to men I find attractive.

Speaking of Jordan, I'm also friends with a couple of his friends that he grew up with (although met by different avenues)..."Gary" and "Jimmy." Gary works with Jordan. He is well-educated, kind of quiet and serious, but a nice guy. Gary is always hanging out with Jimmy. Jimmy can be cool when he wants to be, he's kind of hometown bound, and he can be a little bit of a dick, but otherwise, he's not a bad guy. He's animated, has good stories, and he's great with kids.

Gary reminds me of a cross between Alex and Alex's best friend (he looks like Alex's best friend, but kind of acts like Alex), but I have zero feelings for him, probably because he seems to lack any kind of belief in himself. Jimmy is so not my type physically...short, stubby, tattooed and blond, like a mini chunky Eminem. He reminds me of Matt without the drugs. But I had found myself having a mini-crush on him, probably because he's a dick who thinks he's the best thing since fried ice cream. I notice I tend to be attracted to assholes, probably because they act self-assured and have a take-charge attitude. I think that Jimmy does notice me to some degree - I can tell he pays attention, and he notices things about me, etc. At the same time, I would never date him even if he liked me (which I don't believe he does anyway but I could be wrong)...I don't want to date assholes anymore, and besides, he's a manwhore. While I'm not stuck on my guy being a virgin (the chances of meeting a decent, sane man my age who is a virgin is slim to none), I have no desire to be a notch on his belt either.

If nothing else, living in Michigan has helped me to develop a more balanced view of men (to a degree, although some of my dating experiences sucked). More than that, I have a more balanced perspective on my time in Cincinnati. Surely, it sucked, but at the same time, the primary reasons why the time sucked involved the things that happened to me while I lived there. Alex and Nikolai, finding out about my health/fertility (or lack thereof), losing my father...it was a lot to take in and very difficult to process. Does it mean that it will be so bad the second time around? Probably not, prayerfully not. On one hand, I do hope that something great will happen. At the same time, I don't expect that it will. No expectations. I plan on teaching a great course and finishing school. That's the extent of it.