Peace

So I moved back to Cincinnati on Wednesday. It was also Jordan's birthday. He wanted to come over my house, but I said it wasn't a great idea since my brother was around and wouldn't let us talk. So I offered to come over to his house on my way out of town to wish him a happy birthday and to say goodbye. So I went to visit him, and we talked for a little while. Then...it was almost something out of a cute romantic movie, almost like "Garden State." He finally - finally! - kissed me. We made out for a while, almost slept together, but I cut that short before it happened, and he was respectful about that (which is good). The time we spent together was good, and I enjoyed it, even the talking. It just sucks that I had to go.

I think that Jordan presents a strange case for me. I just don't know. Most of the guys I've been into are guys I've been limerent for, meaning that I was really, really dying in love with them to the exclusion of all others, while they never even realized my existence (or if they did, thought I probably shouldn't). Jordan is the first person that I've actually liked but not in a limerent way. It ebbs and flows, I think. There have been times where it seemed that Jordan liked me more than I liked him, and times in which it seemed that I liked Jordan more than he liked me. It seems, well, balanced. He is also someone that I feel really comfortable with, I can be my silly, crazy, talkative self around him. I don't feel inhibited or judged around him. That really means a lot.

That said, he and I both agreed that neither of us is interested in a relationship right now. And so for now, that's off the table, and I'm more than fine with that. I don't feel tied down to anything, and for once in my life, I don't feel compelled to seek a relationship with anyone. At the same time, a part of me does miss him. When I get my own place (I'm living with roommates for now), I may invite him down here to visit. But for the most part, I like things the way they are right now. We aren't "together," but we're not exactly platonic either.

I talked to Nikolai today (Saturday). He is doing okay. His life is kind of in limbo/transition, and he admitted he had a rough year due to the situation with Pat. At the same time, he did admit his culpability in the situation, and considering the circumstances he appears no worse for wear. He also was happy to hear that my year went a lot better than his, and he gave me valuable advice on preparation for the academic job market.

To an extent, I grew a little bit of a conscience. On one hand, I don't feel the same way about him than I once did. I also still don't feel the least bit sorry for him. At the same time, that is still a lot to endure, and I don't feel right relishing in his pain. Even when people get what they deserve, God does not rejoice in their suffering but is there alongside them in their suffering. Furthermore, although Nikolai didn't treat me right, I was also someone he respected because of what he considered to be my good heart. Even Brooke said that he would mention me and had nothing but good things to say about me. While he doesn't deserve my friendship (and I think he knows this), I am not him and I need to be a better person than he is.

Does that mean we're now the best of friends? No. Does it mean that I will start talking to him again? No. Does it mean I trust him again? No. At the same time, how much pain does he have to experience for me to be satisfied that he has suffered enough? The situation with Pat is beyond anything I could have dreamed up as far as "God's vengeance" is concerned. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to let it go.