New

So, basically, since I last wrote, I ended up finally standing up for myself against Nikolai. To make a long story short, Brooke planned a going-away party for me. A group of my closest Cincinnati friends were there, and Nikolai showed up...with his girlfriend. I just could not take it anymore, and I pulled him aside to tell him that what he did was inappropriate and selfish. He ended up taking the girlfriend home, and then came back briefly to wish me well.

The next day he came up to me to tell me what he really thought about the situation, which was that he felt I was unreasonably hurt, he is into someone else now, and I needed to "get over it." I explained to him that it's deeper than "you hurt me, you don't like me, poor me" or whatever is floating in his head. He broke trust with me and that has to be re-earned, and while I have forgiven, I have not forgotten, and when he does stuff that he knows will bother me, it doesn't exactly give encouragement for to trust him. Besides, how am I supposed to "get over" anything if he and I were living together? Anyway, in the end, he said that he values my friendship, he knows that Cincinnati was hard for me, and that he hopes and prays that Michigan will be better for me than Cincinnati was, and that he believes I will find myself with a man by my side.

For whatever reason, the whole Nikolai rejection thing hurts like hell, and I can't exactly say why. Maybe it's because of transference from the Alex situation. Then again, maybe it was the hope that Nikolai held out before pulling the rug out from under me. Maybe it's the fact that I thought that for once, things would be different, but in the end the outcome was all too familiar. It's hard to know, really. But in any case, there is nothing I can do about it. And maybe, just maybe, Nikolai's choice not to be with me opens doors for something better in my life.

Speaking of that, I've finally moved to Michigan. It's so weird being out of Cincinnati. I'm happy, though. It's a start of a new life. In a way, I'm sad that I don't have any expectations, because whatever expectations I had in the past when moving (Cincinnati, Columbus, etc.), seemed to go to crap. At the same time, I am back home, so it's hard to know what's going to happen when you go home. Sometimes the best things come from the unlikeliest of places. And also, maybe expecting nothing isn't a bad thing. Deep in my heart, I still yearn for a time when restoration and redemption will occur in my life. But at the same time, I know that I need to be changed to experience change. I'm going to take the time now to change the way I live and the character of who I am.

Failure

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain." - Abraham Cowley

Last Friday was Nikolai's house party. It was partly to celebrate his 30th birthday, and partly to send off myself and another friend moving out of the area. The party itself was great, and Nikolai demonstrated he could really put one on. I enjoyed myself, for the most part, although the tail end of the night I really don't remember. It amazes me how one could shut off portions of the brain and still be functional.

So Pat showed up at the party. Brooke thinks the girl is ugly, and she thinks I was being nice by calling her "average." But really, it's kind of an insignificant point. At one point in the night, Nikolai and Pat were sitting next to each other and kind of across from me. They were hugged up, and even kissed. When they kissed, it felt like a little part of me died.

It makes me think...was I into Nikolai that much? On one hand, he has shown himself to be a liar, a hypocrite, and a sycophant. He is duplicitous and he can't seem to live life honestly at all. I know that I deserve better than Nikolai. Yet there was the fact that he inserted himself into my life during my struggle and turmoil with Alex. Nikolai seemed like a dream man...he is my type physically, he talks without pulling teeth, we are similar in a lot of ways, he is dominant without trying to make him so.

But it just didn't work.

And not only it didn't work, but it appears that it does work between Nikolai and a 21-year old average-looking girl who barely knows how to wipe her own ass.

I should have been the one hugged up on him. I should have been the one locking lips with him. But apparently, I failed miserably.

It was just so wrong.

It was the icing on top of the huge "Fuck You" cake that is Cincinnati, Ohio; it's the boot in the pants on the way out.

It'll be good to start over again. This time, it won't do me well to just forget Cincinnati, though. I have to deal with my hurt and rejected feelings concerning Nikolai and also Alex. I have to deal with the memories of what they have done and what I allowed to happen. That, on top of the loss of my father. Alex and Nikolai, on top of my lack of love life and my questionable abilities to have children in the future. I need healing, restoration, and redemption. God needs to make things right.