Tomato

So, I've been sorting out my life. Basically, I don't know how I feel. I would rather not see Nikolai, but at the same time, he lives in my building, so I can't exactly avoid it. I don't know if I can even say anything to him. I'm trying to figure out if he's a liar or a cheat. I just don't have any respect for him at all.

He called me earlier because he wanted to know the details of Brooke's birthday. Then he asked me about my life, and I asked him about his. He said he had some stuff going on and he knew I knew that, but he would tell me later. Honestly, that is not a conversation I feel like having.

In a weird way, I still have feelings for him, and I feel like when everything happened last year, there was no closure. I never had much of a say over the situation, and that was very difficult for me. I got led on, and then I got jerked around and crapped on. I was never able to be the woman I needed to be and truly stand up and give my say. I kind of regret that. And the fact that I got passed over by a very average 21-year-old girl really burns me up. A friend put it this way, "You were rejected for a downgrade."

I know that Nikolai isn't right for me, but this fact doesn't make me feel any better. I wish that who I am could've counted for something. It totally didn't, and that hurts. It is one of the many disappointments experienced in Cincinnati. I would love to move to Michigan and never look back. I've been let down so much, and it would be nice to be loved and appreciated, to get back some of the love that I give.

I don't think I can even speak to Nikolai without screaming, crying, or both. I need to leave Cincinnati. I really do.