October

So much has happened since I last wrote. So much. My father passed away back at the end of October, sort of unexpectedly. I talked to him one night, and by morning he was dead. Apparently, it was a heart attack, although what triggered it is an unknown. It was the strangest thing.

And I knew at that point that I would never be the same.

I think about my dad every day. I dream about him almost all the time. It reminds me a lot of what he used to say about how much he missed his mother. I miss him, and I would give anything to have him back. But at the same time, I have come into my own as an adult. I feel a weird kind of freedom. I don't have to worry about worrying my dad anymore with the decisions I make. My mom thinks about me, to be sure. But at the same time, she was an independent woman before she met my dad, and so she accepts the fact that I'm going to live my life. So I feel like a real-life adult for the first time in my life - and I feel a confidence I've never felt before.

My mom and brother are moving to the suburbs this month, and at the end of August, I'll probably be joining them, at least long enough to finish my dissertation. Then I'll be looking for jobs, preferably outside the Midwest, and optimally outside the US. Well, at least that's the plan.

I started dating again. I went on a couple of dates, breaking my dateless streak of exactly seven years. The guy was really nice, but we related as buddies, not as potential romantic partners. It just wasn't going to work. But at least I'm out there.

Things are normalized between myself and Nikolai. The "like" was a passing thing...I guess I'm sexually attracted to werewolves. So these days, I feel nothing. As far as my friendship with him goes, it's back to an associateship of sorts. Have I forgotten what he did? No. But at the same time, I chalk it up to the kind of person he is. He's egotistical, a sycophant and an ultra-conformist. I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing...it is what it is. I can talk to him on a somewhat surfacy level, and we're more than willing to help each other out when need be. But that's as far as it goes. And that is fine with the both of us.

But Alex and I are a completely different story.

I thought that everything was perfect between he and I. And then my dad died. Alex was there to listen to me, and he was helpful through that situation. But then, he started to go on a dating website, and met someone he was really into for no other reason but the striking nature of her eyes. And that did bother me on a deep level. Going on a dating website is something a person does when they have a hard time meeting people in real life. I had been in Alex's life for seven years, but I didn't exist as a woman. And that was hard. Then, a month and a half ago, he and I went out for drinks, and then got into a conversation. In the course of the conversation, he said something really offensive about me, something I hadn't heard since Mark. And to make it worse, he said that my standards were too high and I should settle because of my weight.

At that point, I was through. He would later claim that what he said was purely philosophical. No, it was personal. It came down to one fact - after over seven years of us knowing each other, he only cared about my appearance, and he could not accept me for who I was. I said this to him, and all he could say was "okay." My investment in the friendship was a waste of time. And I could not afford to waste any more time. It took me two weeks to tell him that I did not want to be his friend anymore. But I did it.

You know, I'm not sure if he believed me. But I can't worry about that. Life's too short for bullshit. I have to believe that God has better in store for me, and I have to take hold of that.