Not like "stalking"...stalking was what my high school sweetheart did once I cut him off. Matt was too lazy to show up at my doorstep in Ohio, but he sure did know when I was coming back home. He would call my house and work, he sent letters to where I lived in Ohio, he would show up at my seasonal job in Michigan. It was so bad that I stopped telling people when I was in town. It's one of the reasons why I lost touch with many of my high school friends. Matt did it for a year before he finally stopped. He may have done so because he finally realized that I just wasn't interested anymore.
But the stuff I'm talking about isn't of that type. I was talking to a friend of mine about "drive-bys"...not shootings, but "drive-by watching." Basically it's when you drive by the house of someone you are either interested in, have feelings for, are dating, or whatever. The motives vary. It can be because you're wondering if he's home like he said he was, or even if you're wondering if the man in question has more of a "life" than you do. If the light's on in his house or apartment, and his car is there, chances are that he is there. What do you do with that information. Absolutely nothing.
Embarrassingly enough, I can't say I've never done it. Some of my friends have also done it. I've been with friends when they've insisted on doing drive-bys. But it kind of means that the person is circulating through your head.
Speaking of circulation, Nikolai can't seem to help himself. So he's been chronically reading my blog some more...this under the category of "virtual watching," in the same family as the drive-bys. And not only that. He's been getting his "read" on at school, too. Right now, I'm on the grad student computer in our department, and I noticed when I checked my email that the last to do so was Nikolai. So I looked up the browser history, and the last time the computer was used was Tuesday. I'm assuming only one person used it because only a few of us are in town for the summer, and of those in town, only a very short list of people would actually show up at the school to do anything. Besides, a short number of sites were viewed, and a great deal were sites from his home country (and considering he's the only person from his country in our department and the only one in town that can speak his native language, who else?). So I noticed that my website was listed. Hmmm.
This has moved from quite amusing to kind of annoying. What annoys me is that he is the one who wanted space from me more than anything. Granted, I wanted space from him too, but to be honest I wasn't as willing as he was to throw everything away. But what I don't understand is why, if he was so willing to pitch our friendship, he even cares about what I write? I don't get the psychology. It makes absolutely no sense to me. Doesn't he have other things to worry about - e.g. dissertation, life, etc. - to be in any way concerned about what I say?
And even more to the point...if he spends every day read about my life (or at least the parts of my life I choose to share), then why won't he just talk to me? Obviously, he thinks about me, or else he wouldn't be reading up on my life.
But then again, why do I even care? Honestly, I still can't forget how evil he's treated me ever since California and especially Chicago. There is a part of me that has forgiven but not forgotten. I really, really hate him, because of how deceptive I feel he had been towards me. Leading me on, then treating me like shit when I turn out to be human. You don't forget stuff like that. Yet a part of me misses him, and I don't understand why.
And speaking of all this, I am irritated with the course of my life. I haven't even dated in seven years. My love life seems to always turn out the same. I'm tired of predictability. So tired I don't know what to do. And considering my health issues, which affect my ability to have children, my biological clock ticks just a little louder and faster than most. I want to get married. And I really want to be a mother. But I can't even get a date. What the hell is up with that?
Friday, June 23, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Pieces
Since I last wrote, I passed my comps with flying colors, doing better than I ever expected. Thank God:-).
Since comps is over, I've been kind of forced to deal with what is my life. I don't like it, and I want it to change. I hate being in the position where I am forced to pick up the pieces of my battered heart. Meanwhile, I am in something that works just fine with me, but I want something else with someone else.
I spend time with Alex every so often. He's sort of become the male friend I've always wanted - someone to hang out with, to exchange war stories with, someone I can feel I can be real with and he can be real with me, with no strings attached and no expectations. But sometimes I wonder where he truly stands. Not because I have any interest in him romantically, because I really don't. Not anymore. But because I wonder if when I see him, I'm looking at my past or my future. Last weekend, he and I went to the mall and to the bar. At the bar, he and I were talking, when he noticed that the jukebox was playing my favorite song. I didn't notice it, but he did. He told me, and I was surprised he remembered it. It reminded me of when he remembered exactly how long, to the month, he knew I liked him. Earlier that same night, we were walking around the mall, talking about clothes, and he knew what plus-size stores carry what types of clothes, even though, as far as I know, none of the women in his family are fat, and neither are his pretend girlfriends or real-life exes. It amazes me that he pays attention to my life. I guess friends do that. I just wonder, though. It's like the signs sort of point to him, but I just don't see him like that anymore. Besides, I think he would have to be straightforward for me to believe his intentions have changed for the romantic.
Meanwhile, Nikolai and I seem to argue almost every time we speak. I'm not particularly sure why. Something tells me he has grown argumentative, and like Brooke says, he doesn't like anyone and that includes me. On one hand I look at him as a miserable excuse for a human being because he is terribly superficial and he has sold his soul for his thirty pieces of silver (to be the department asskisser). On the other hand, I still have feelings for him. My body is still drawn to him, and my heart longs for him. I guess I miss what it seemed we once had. To some extent, I feel responsible for what our friendship has become. Yet, at the end of the day, it was he and not I who chose to throw it away.
I could not control everything that occurred back in April. But something tells me that the incident in Chicago, which Nikolai can't seem to let go of, is only a cover for something deeper. Something tells me that if he didn't think I liked him, none of this would've happened. How he has felt about me - well, I don't know. I think that he liked me, but didn't want to like me because of my weight and my culture. By nature, he is a conformist. They say that the difference between Leo and Aries is that Leo tends to care more about their own popularity than Aries, the natural-born rebel. I am not into astrology, but this difference exemplifies the difference between Nikolai and myself. I think he worries too much about whether or not I would be acceptable as a fat woman. Secondly, I get the sense that many of our clashes are rooted in cultural differences, particularly the more male-dominant, patriarchal nature of his Eastern European culture, versus the more female-liberated American culture and somewhat matriarchal structure of African-American culture.
In any case, I cannot be what he wants me to be. Even if I lost weight, the struggle with weight is still a part of who I am. I am an American, through and through, and an African-American at that; I cannot behave as a woman from his country or from his region of the globe. I cannot be something I am not, and I don't want to be something that I am not. I cannot live a lie.
So what I am left with is my broken heart. I really just pray that one day, I can be loved and appreciated for who I am. I cannot let go of the hope I have, no matter how easy it is to believe all hope is lost.
Since comps is over, I've been kind of forced to deal with what is my life. I don't like it, and I want it to change. I hate being in the position where I am forced to pick up the pieces of my battered heart. Meanwhile, I am in something that works just fine with me, but I want something else with someone else.
I spend time with Alex every so often. He's sort of become the male friend I've always wanted - someone to hang out with, to exchange war stories with, someone I can feel I can be real with and he can be real with me, with no strings attached and no expectations. But sometimes I wonder where he truly stands. Not because I have any interest in him romantically, because I really don't. Not anymore. But because I wonder if when I see him, I'm looking at my past or my future. Last weekend, he and I went to the mall and to the bar. At the bar, he and I were talking, when he noticed that the jukebox was playing my favorite song. I didn't notice it, but he did. He told me, and I was surprised he remembered it. It reminded me of when he remembered exactly how long, to the month, he knew I liked him. Earlier that same night, we were walking around the mall, talking about clothes, and he knew what plus-size stores carry what types of clothes, even though, as far as I know, none of the women in his family are fat, and neither are his pretend girlfriends or real-life exes. It amazes me that he pays attention to my life. I guess friends do that. I just wonder, though. It's like the signs sort of point to him, but I just don't see him like that anymore. Besides, I think he would have to be straightforward for me to believe his intentions have changed for the romantic.
Meanwhile, Nikolai and I seem to argue almost every time we speak. I'm not particularly sure why. Something tells me he has grown argumentative, and like Brooke says, he doesn't like anyone and that includes me. On one hand I look at him as a miserable excuse for a human being because he is terribly superficial and he has sold his soul for his thirty pieces of silver (to be the department asskisser). On the other hand, I still have feelings for him. My body is still drawn to him, and my heart longs for him. I guess I miss what it seemed we once had. To some extent, I feel responsible for what our friendship has become. Yet, at the end of the day, it was he and not I who chose to throw it away.
I could not control everything that occurred back in April. But something tells me that the incident in Chicago, which Nikolai can't seem to let go of, is only a cover for something deeper. Something tells me that if he didn't think I liked him, none of this would've happened. How he has felt about me - well, I don't know. I think that he liked me, but didn't want to like me because of my weight and my culture. By nature, he is a conformist. They say that the difference between Leo and Aries is that Leo tends to care more about their own popularity than Aries, the natural-born rebel. I am not into astrology, but this difference exemplifies the difference between Nikolai and myself. I think he worries too much about whether or not I would be acceptable as a fat woman. Secondly, I get the sense that many of our clashes are rooted in cultural differences, particularly the more male-dominant, patriarchal nature of his Eastern European culture, versus the more female-liberated American culture and somewhat matriarchal structure of African-American culture.
In any case, I cannot be what he wants me to be. Even if I lost weight, the struggle with weight is still a part of who I am. I am an American, through and through, and an African-American at that; I cannot behave as a woman from his country or from his region of the globe. I cannot be something I am not, and I don't want to be something that I am not. I cannot live a lie.
So what I am left with is my broken heart. I really just pray that one day, I can be loved and appreciated for who I am. I cannot let go of the hope I have, no matter how easy it is to believe all hope is lost.
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