Exoticism

When I was in high school, I was briefly interested in this guy that I worked with named Dave (one of the millions of "Davids" and "Daves" I've met throughout my adolescent and adult life). Dave was about my age (about 16 or 17), he lived in the old-money suburb across the street from my working-class city neighborhood. Of course, he had rich parents; he was also in a garage band, he threw huge parties, and he had a long, long leash. In contrast, my parents weren't rich, I was kind of a nerd, and I wasn't allowed to do much of anything. I thought this guy was really neat because he was different. He was from a wealthy, somewhat prominent family, he lived the kind of life that I could only dream of at the time. But as I got to know him, there just wasn't much there. As he started to like me, I ceased to like him. I don't think I "liked" him, I think I saw him as a novelty.

So, I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today, we'll call her Katerina. We were catching each other up on guy issues. So I was telling her about how things were going with Nikolai. At some point, I mentioned how I think he's very attractive, and that I love hearing him talk and say my name, to which she almost died, since he totally isn't her type. After I reassured Katerina that her accent didn't sound like his (she's also Eastern European, but not from the same country as Nikolai), she made the comment that I probably like the way he talks, as well as other things about him, because it's "exotic."

I don't know. I mean, yes, his accent is different than anyone else I know (probably because he's the only person I've met from his country). But at the same time, I don't think that him being "different" is the main reason why I'm attracted to him. What amazes me the most about him is how similar we are considering the difference in nationality and culture. I think that while Katerina might have a point in the sense that some exoticism may play a part, at the same time, my experience tells me that novelty kind of wears off after a while. Nikolai and I have been in the same program together for over two years, and I've been starting to get to know him more seriously in the past few months. I can't say that there initially wasn't something "cool" about him being from Europe or that he can speak a number of languages fluently (I believe the count is more like five than three). And admittedly, an actual European is more palatable to my parents (who are products of the '60s, and have many non-American friends) than a white American. But at the same time, the fact that I do know Nikolai, including his personality, character, and quirks that make him an individual, the novelty is kind of old. That thrill is gone, which is for the best. It is easier to know if you truly like someone when you're past exoticism. And so, at the end of the day, I think he is an great person and I like him, regardless of his background.

Closer

So not that much is new. I see Nikolai...a...lot. And we get a chance to talk quite a bit. We met up with each other yesterday at a birthday party. I mingled with other people for sure, met new people, and ran into a couple of people I know, but at some point, he and I got into a conversation about a bunch of different things, from the serious to the mundane and silly. I think that we were so into it that it was almost as if no one else existed. Then today I saw him at the school, and he borrowed one of my favorite mixed CDs.

Sometime yesterday or the other day, I realized that since he's been back in the States, we have seen each other a lot and we've talked a lot. I also feel really, really comfortable around him and with him. It's like we're on the fast track to being good friends, and that is absolutely awesome, because he's really a neat person, he's trustworthy, and I feel that we accept each other for who we are. At the same time, I get the sense that he feels something towards me. I'm not sure to what extent or what it all means. But it's really cool...I like the way things are.

Valentine

So my Valentine's Day was spent bumping heads with Nikolai, while Alex's Valentine's Day was spent virtual-stalking me. It is getting kind of creepy, but I don't want to bring him back in my life in a real sense by calling him out on it. So at this point, it is what it is. Now, if I start seeing his car drive by my house, I think I really need to watch my back.

So I didn't have much time to stew over Valentine's Day, because I spent it helping Nikolai get decent airfare for our March conference trip to California. It was actually kind of frustrating, because the prices kept changing and we kept having to find out the wishes of the other people going on the trip with us. We started looking for pricing maybe around 11:30am or noon, and we didn't get the tickets bought until after 11 at night. It was kind of nervewracking. I ended up having to go over his house to get it together and make it happen. But we were so excited and relieved after we got them. Then we talked for close to two hours, about so many subjects, so many things.

It just amazes me that the more I get to know Nikolai, the more alike we seem, which is so strange considering the fact that we are from different countries and cultures. It's really crazy...neat, but crazy. While they do say that people who have a lot in common get along better and are more compatible than people who are a lot different, it might be an issue if we find that we're too alike.

Also, I've been thinking. While I have decided to wait to see how things progress (and I still intend on sticking to that), I wonder to what extent I can push the envelope. The thing is, it's hard to read Nikolai. I believe I "get" him on a human-to-human level, but I can't completely read what he thinks of the friendship exactly. I know how he sees me, but I don't. And I'm not good at hinting. Yes, there is the fact of how close in proximity we tend to be to each other when we talk and do things, yes, it was his idea to see each other in person to finish getting the tickets (which didn't exactly need to happen). Yes, he pays attention to me, and to whatever extent, he does watch out for me. But I don't want to misinterpret what that means. Maybe he likes me, but then again, maybe he's just being a decent person and a good friend. I just don't know. And I can't exactly find out, either.

The problem is that I don't think that he would be straightforward and tell me even if he did like me. On one hand, he is pretty straightforward in general when it comes to communicating what he thinks and how he feels. On the other hand, his cautious nature may prevent him from coming out and saying it directly. Beyond that, he may not think I like him, so he may think that telling me he likes me is more trouble than it's worth. So I just don't know if it's that he doesn't want to be direct, or if he just doesn't like me like that. I'm not sure how badly I need or want to know. So we'll see.

Day

So I was in a really crappy mood today (technically yesterday). I couldn't stand hearing the sound of women's voices, I didn't want to be bothered with much of anything. Maybe it was PMS, maybe it was being somewhat depressed over Valentine's Day. I kind of wanted for people to shut up, but I had so much stuff to do so I couldn't go home yet. Well, I end up seeing Nikolai, and we spent much of the afternoon taking care of necessary business (related to school). As well, we were laughing, talking, and sharing stuff, etc. It was a really cool way to spend the afternoon. And we got stuff accomplished, too. It was kind of a reminder of why I like him in the first place. Beyond the fact that he's a great guy with character, yada yada, the fact is that we can relate to each other. Although on a surface level, we are very different, we can relate personality-wise...from being unashamed at living the frugal life to having a similar sense of humor. I think that on a certain level, we "get" each other, which is why I have a pretty high comfort level with him (despite the fact that I like him). He made my day.

I'm looking forward to the end of March. It's official...I will be going to California for spring break. Like the nerd that I am, it will be for an academic conference, with Nikolai, Ali, and some of our other colleagues. While Nikolai and Ali will be going there to present or whatnot, I'll be going for the sake of expanding my mind, networking with old professors from undergrad and others that I might know or should know. In any case, it'll be nice to be doing something for spring break other than going to Michigan or staying in Cincy. And it'll be neat to spend time with friends and colleagues. And since we'll be traveling to and from California together, and staying together during the conference, it should be fun.

Patience

So Nikolai is back in town. I talked to him over the phone the night he came into town, and I saw him at school earlier today (yesterday). It was a little surprising, because I would've thought that after arriving on a transatlantic flight the night before, he would take the time to rest up. It's not like he has to do stuff right away. But considering that he does have some workaholic tendencies, I wasn't that surprised. No wonder I walked up to the school looking good (hair done, nice clothes). So when I saw him, we hugged for what seemed like a good while. Then, we got a chance to talk for about an hour or two, and he was telling me stories about his time in Europe. It was really cool to see him.

There's something about time apart from a person that makes them seem more "perfect" than they are. Or maybe it's just that as you get to know someone better, you begin to notice their quirks. Today, while I was really happy to see Nikolai and talk with him, I seemed to notice every single thing that annoys me about him. Yes, everything. Without putting every annoying habit/trait he has out on the street, I will say this. What it comes down to is that he's kind of geeky and nerdy. While he was gone, I thought to myself, I wonder what his "issue" is, because everyone has one. I'm starting to get a grasp on it, I believe. I don't think that Nikolai has an "issue" in the same sense as Alex or Matt. I think that Nikolai is a man with a lot of quirks, a lot of idiosyncracies. I've noticed some of them before, but never put them together. The fact is that he's a really nice, attractive, good, and cool person. But he's not cool. And I don't believe it's a cultural thing, I believe it's a Nikolai thing. So, I think again, and I think to myself, no wonder I feel so comfortable with him, that I could say whatever to him. No wonder he reminds me of myself, because the fact of the matter is, I'm not cool either.

On one hand, I need to ask myself if I can live with his set of quirks. I seriously do. On the other hand, this might not be a bad thing. On one hand, cool guys seem really self-assured, they act and look impressive, know what to say when, either dress smoothly or have nice stuff, and come off as any woman's dream man. On the other hand, they think they're better than they are, they tend to have an inflated sense of self, they're manipulative, and they often don't care about anyone but themselves. Most of the men I've been into in the past have seemed cool. Previous guys I've either dated or been into have been cool. Most of the guys that have liked me have been uncool. Probably the closest I've been previously to liking someone uncool was Alex, but he had some cool traits (e.g. nice car, self-assured attitude), and he tried to fake the funk, even though in reality he wasn't all that cool. Nikolai is the first person who I've really liked that is not cool, but doesn't really obsess with trying to be cool. While his demeanor, attitude, and nature make him impressive, his habits, idiosyncracies, and quirks are what make him human.

After considering my feelings and present situation, I think I may take Brooke's advice and wait a little while to develop the friendship further before trying to see where it can go. Considering that I am sort of ambivalent about what role I want Nikolai to play in my life, I might be better served trying something I have a hard time with...patience.

Anxious

So Nikolai will be back in Cincy tomorrow night. I probably won't actually see him until the weekend, though, early next week at the latest. In any case, I should be happy to be seeing him again after his one-month goodbye. But in all reality I'm more anxious than excited. His return brings up questions that I'm not sure I can answer, considerations that I'm afraid to consider.

This is so not Alex II. With Alex, friendship was the consolation prize for rejection of something further; and the friendship wasn't all it was cracked up to be. With Nikolai, I am not sure if I want to stay friends or go further, and the scary part (the part I am almost afraid to consider because of fears of being too optimistic) is that unlike Alex, my friendship with Nikolai maybe could go further. And what does "further" mean? Casual dating? Something serious? Sex? Marriage? The thought of actually having a love life is thrilling and daunting at the same time. It brings up all of my issues with intimacy and trust. It brings up the issue of my own inexperience, six years since doing anything romantic (dating, relationship, etc.). And I'm scared to death.

I think that Nikolai is a good person, and I like him a lot. Ambitious and driven, yet caring and selfless. He's smart, interesting, mature, down-to-earth, and trustworthy. He's just a really neat person...no, not perfect by a long shot, not even the closest thing to perfect, but just really cool. And attractive too. I can be his friend, I wouldn't mind being his something else. I would just hate to mess everything up.

The worst thing that could happen with Nikolai would not be rejection, it would be that we would end up hating each other. As can be seen by my earlier posts on Alex, my feelings are intense - when I love, I love with all I have, and when I hate, I hate with the intensity of a thousand suns. I think that with Nikolai, I'm afraid of my feelings for him becoming too intense. While I like him, it's not an intense like, but if things did work out in terms of romance, it could be like that. Like all human males, he's bound to do something stupid that'll piss me off. No, I'm not a nitpicker, but every person is bound to let you down in some way, shape or form. I don't want my love to be misplaced, and I don't ever want to hate him.

Asking

So Nikolai will be back in town on Thursday. I'm glad, because in a way, I do miss him.

Apparently, the girls think he likes me, and the boys (well, a boy: Brooke's boyfriend/Nikolai's roommate) think I like him. Well, I don't know. All I know is that when he gets back to Cincy, all bets are off.

The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking I'll be more proactive in seeing where things stand. I don't want to push the issue too much, because honestly, I like my friendship with Nikolai the way it is, and I don't want to kill it with impatience. At the same time, after wasting six years of my life, I have no intention of doing it again. Besides, I get the sense that he would be more mature about it anyway, or at least he won't be stupid about it like Alex. But if I'm incorrect in my judgment of Nikolai, then at least I'll be aware of it. I think I know how I'm going to bring it up. It will be direct, but it won't be too direct. Risk minimizing, but not risk eliminating. We shall see how this might go. Or I just might flirt with him...I don't know.

Risk

Well, six more days before Nikolai is back in the States. I heard from him last week through email, he was doing okay. But what I can't believe is that time has gone by so quickly.

I think that the month-long separation was needed. I think that during this time, I've been able to think things through. It's not that I didn't have my head on straight, because I believe I have. I think, though, that sometimes, in the excitement of things, I don't always think clearly. It's different being in a position where I may actually be wanted by someone I like; it's weird being in a position where I just might have to make some choices that aren't limited to "get over it now or later."

I feel as if what I think and feel actually matters. But with that comes all kinds of considerations and all kinds of things I need to potentially get used to. The fact is that I am not very experienced in dating and relationships. I have only been involved in one serious relationship. Ever. And even my non-serious opposite-sex dealings have been limited. I am 24 years old and I am interested in a 28-year old man. Beyond the obvious cultural issues, there are basic issues of how do I proceed, how do I present myself so that I don't come on too strong. Here is what I want. I want to know how far things can potentially go with Nikolai without screwing up the friendship or making things weird. I want clarity without risk. And that might be impossible.