Disillusionment

So, Nikolai and I had an SOTR talk last week. It was necessary, I think, and it went very well. I think we're both on the same page. I feel like I have the closure on that end that I really needed. I just have my own feelings to contend with, and that, quite frankly, I'm not dealing with well. I deal with disappointment okay, but it's never easy. The feelings of rejection are never easy...and as I get older, I should be used to it, but it is only getting worse, to the point that i'm really disillusioned.

I believe in God, and I know He works, but I wonder sometimes if God wants me to suffer in this area. I think that this particular area is at the root of my crisis of faith, because this is the one area that I have not seen God work. I thought He could hear me back in December when I asked Him if I could be noticed by a man, and less than 48 hours later, Nikolai said those words to me. But then I find out that not only Nikolai didn't mean them, but that he was spending his time judging me and having a low opinion of me in that sense, even worse than Alex. So it was all a farce. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that...give it to the same God that apparently refuses to do anything about it? It leaves me beaten and tired, and without a lot of options. Actually, without any options. I have been contending with these feelings of disillusionment and frustration for weeks, with no end in sight. I've prayed, and prayed, and prayed...for years. And it's as if He doesn't hear me at all, as if He doesn't care. It's like He cares about other stuff, just not about this...and when this is the part of my life most in need of repair, rectification and redemption, this inaction isn't going to cut it.