Twisted

"Do you ever feel like you're normal and everyone else is crazy?" I said.

Alex replied, "No, but sometimes I feel like everyone else is normal and I'm crazy."

This is from a lunchtime conversation I had with Alex about four years ago. I didn't get it then, exactly, but I think I get it now.

Last night I was talking to one of my good friends from back home. I was explaining to her two things: first of all, why I have this even stronger hormonal attraction to Nikolai now that I know he's a shallow immature jackass and I would never want to mess with him a million years, and secondly, why I have not discarded this friendship the way I discarded the friendship with Alex. In my head, I know that if the roles were reversed, I would have the same concerns as my friend. But I did have reasons, at least for why I didn't stop being friends with Nikolai. It is pretty simple, at least to me.

First of all, when we had our major argument, while what Nikolai said was unnecessary and really mean, he was giving his honest opinion, which should count for something (that's better than anything Alex ever did). Secondly, despite the fact that sometimes he annoys the crap out of me, there are still things about him that I like, and I do still consider him a friend. Thirdly, I had always felt that if nothing else, I wanted to stay friends with him, even before the California trip - I had never schemed to date him or be his girlfriend. I just felt that if it happened, it happened, and if it didn't, it didn't. And as it turned out, it didn't, for a lot of reasons I won't print here. This is not Alex Part II - Slavic Style. In addition, I was still (and am still) making sense of mixed impressions. On one hand, he tends to put me on a pedestal and think I'm a better person than I am in reality, but on the other hand the things he said that precipitated our argument gave me the impression that he doesn't perceive my worth as a woman coming from anything outside of my physical appearance. I don't know what to make of that. Finally, to sever the friendship before truly knowing if that is what I wanted to do would make things problematic logistially. Nikolai and I have some of the same friends, we're also colleagues, we might be roommates next year. I'd better make damn sure I wanted to end the friendship before I did it. And since I decided not to, that's the end of story. I basically figured I know how he is, and I can deal with that. And I have forgiven him, although I have not forgotten. My name is Jaye, I never forget.

However, the first issue is not as easy to explain as the second. Apparently, I am emotionally masochistic...I like assholes, and I like pain. And with Nikolai, I've got plenty of both. For some reason, him being an irreverent, immature, shallow, miserable excuse for a human being is a turn-on. I guess I thought he was kind of hot before, but now a part of me just wishes I could have the craziest, wildest, roughest kind of sex with him imaginable. Just once. I know it cannot and will not happen. He is not going to sleep with me, and in all actuality, I am not going to sleep with him. I don't believe he sees me like that, and while it would be a temptation for me, going out like that would be a whorish thing to do, and I could see him losing respect for me (even though sex takes two). Also a few religious/spiritual considerations. And if any "accidents" happened, well...I'll put it this way, he is not the kind of man I would want to deal with in case of "accident." So getting screwed by Nikolai - literally - ain't gonna happen.

But why it would cross my mind? I am not really sure. And it's messed up. My friend said that I hadn't been "right" since December (because of Nikolai). Honestly, though, I haven't been right since college...as a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever been quite right. I think twisted thoughts, I do stupid things, I have a thing for unavailable men, and I tend to concern myself with men that are too blind to see my worth as a woman and as a human being. What the hell is wrong with me?