Nikolai

My twenty-fifth birthday was really awesome. Nikolai and Brooke took me out to dinner and drinks across the river, and then later on Brooke and I met up with Katerina over by campus, and we had a bottle of wine. It was really cool to be able to celebrate with my friends...that's really what made it special.

I have such conflicted feelings concerning Nikolai, and I'm not so sure why, exactly. I consider him to be one of my good friends, and considering that, I care about him very much. He is one of the few non-family members I trust with my well-being. I have forgiven him for what he said to me in California, but I can't exactly forget because it says a lot about his character, and not in a good way. I have no interest in dating him or getting involved with him romantically, but there's something about him that I can't put my finger on, to where I'm very turned on by him sexually and I would probably sleep with him if I had the chance, but I know that it's not gonna happen. This is the part of my feelings for Nikolai that I don't particularly feel comfortable with, but I can't help who "does it" for me (unfortunately). It comes out in my dreams. I had a strange dream a few nights ago that he and I were running around naked looking for a room to have sex in. Weird.

I think that I need to talk to Nikolai, and soon. I'm wondering what is floating around in his head. Why? For a couple of reasons. Recently, I heard from Brooke that Nikolai had mentioned to Katerina that he wondered if I was angry at him. Secondly, when we were at dinner yesterday he did admit that when we were coming back from the California trip, he was angry at me because I was "on the phone" (although if one reads between the lines, and takes that day in total perspective, it is clear that it was more to his anger than that). Thirdly, I've been sensing kind of a weird vibe from him anyway. It's hard to explain, except to say that I've noticed a difference since the trip, and I can't explain it exactly. Now here's the thing. I know that he's starting to burn out work-wise, so it could be that, and it wouldn't have anything to do with me. But I just don't know. We haven't had a really deep conversation about his life since California. I wonder. But at the same time, though, I can't get drawn into any drama or anything that resembles what happened in California, because I have my exams in a few weeks, and I absolutely have to pass them - there's no other option. Maybe we might talk later on, when we go out of town to our next conference this coming weekend. I don't know - we'll see.