Impasse

In the course of a week and a half, I found out that my parents are getting a divorce, an unfortunate and potentially life-threatening situation occurred involving me in Chicago, because of that incident (and other points of conflict) Nikolai and I have fallen out, and I found out that I am a diabetic (which probably was the cause of the incident in Chicago). And all of this three weeks before my comprehensive exams.

I think that some of this issues were just going to happen (such as my parents' divorce and my diabetes). Other things, such as the falling out between myself and Nikolai, were a logical result of me trying to work out this area of my life alone and without God. I knew that it wasn't going to work out with myself and Nikolai, even though I couldn't admit it to myself until the California trip last month. I saw the red flags...his pervasive and unrepentant sin, his utter lack of purity, my feeling when around him of being led away from mental renewal and into lust, his inconsistent talk regarding where he was spiritually...they were more like red flames.

But I didn't listen, because I figured if God wasn't going to fix my love life (as evidenced by my relationship with Alex), I was. Even after the California trip, I knew it wouldn't work out, yet I allowed myself to get too close emotionally. The day before the Chicago incident, I wrote in my diary that I sensed that I wasn't in control of my emotions regarding him, and that if I didn't get some space from him, I was going to get hurt. Something told me not to go with Nikolai and Katerina. But I didn't listen. In the end, God saved me from foul play or assault, God allowed for me to be with people who would do their best to take care of me, God kept me from falling into a diabetic coma, God kept me from dying. But I have to live with the consequences of my repeated choice to ignore the leadings of God. I can't blame Him for what happened between myself and Nikolai.

And so now I'm at a strange impasse. My friendship with Nikolai jumped off, hit its height, and crashed and burned in a period of less than five months. Apparently, this "going it alone" tactic doesn't work. At the same time, I dealt with Alex believing that God was involved in that situation, and I ended up wasting six years of my life. I've got three choices...still go it alone knowing I can't do it myself, give it to a God that honestly I'm not sure will even do anything with this area of my life, or do absolutely nothing. And sorting out this dilemma will have to wait until after comps.