Duplicity

Alex has been calling me every weekend (even though he claims he has a love interest), and Nikolai reads my public blog every day, even though supposedly neither has an interest in me. Yeah, okay. The story of my life.

Basically, Nikolai and I are getting along again, though we did agree that space is still necessary if we're going to salvage the friendship. I got a chance to think over things a little more. Even though the situation and everything was still messed up, I could've done my part to handle it better. Besides, I have to be the mature one in a relationship in which one person readily admits to being immature. Although a casual friendship is fine, I think, I still need to keep my distance emotionally from him because it's just not healthy for me.

Backing away from everything, I'm not angry with Nikolai. It was what it was. I just think that we were working with ideal images of each other, and we expected too much out of each other. Then, when we started digging behind each other's walls, he and I didn't particularly like everything we found. He and I found out the truth about each other - we were human.

There's a part of me that is still attracted to him, and there is a temptation I've never had before with any other man to try to lose weight and look more "attractive" to impress him or even to snag him. But the truth is, I don't believe such an effort would even be worth it. First of all, if he would only give me the time of day if I were thin and "beautiful," he's not the kind of person I would want to be with. Secondly, making such an effort doesn't even guarantee that he would give me the time of day in a romantic or sexual way. And, honestly I don't think I would want to be with someone so duplicitous anyway. I think I was smitten by the idea of Nikolai, but the reality is that I don't know what aspects of him are real, what are imagined, and what constitute an act on his part. In other words, at the end of the day, I don't know him at all.

The Talented Mr. ______.

There's no way in hell...