Crisis

I've moved from the "crisis of faith" to the "quarter-life crisis." But either way, my emotions are just messed up.

In the last post, I talked about how I still had some feelings for Alex, or at least I felt like he was still in my heart. The whole situation with Nikolai really demonstrated to me that on some level, I wasn't completely "over" Alex. Nikolai could never replace Alex...the feelings are of a different nature.

So earlier today (technically yesterday) I called Alex to see how he was doing. So he called me back a little later, after eating dinner, and asked me to go to the coffeehouse with him. So I did that...I figured that would be fine because I hadn't seen him in almost a year. We caught up on our lives, we swapped war stories, etc. It was like old times, but it was also different. I felt more comfortable in my own skin, I was more assertive, and I felt more confident in my interaction with him. Besides, while I still care for him and he still has a place in my heart, the feelings overall are no longer there like they used to be. Seven months without communication did wonders for us. I think we can be friends again, though I think the dynamic will be totally different.

But here was the strange thing - as I was talking to Alex, I could not stop thinking about Nikolai. I had to make sure I didn't call Alex the wrong name. I don't know exactly what that means, because I know that I am not in love with Nikolai, and I don't feel the same way about him as I ever felt about Alex. I don't have an interest in dating Nikolai or being anything else other than close friends with him. Yet, here I was, spending time with a man that I love, and in spirit I was somewhere else.

It's the weirdest thing. Brooke thinks that Alex has feelings for me, but he can't admit it to himself for whatever reason. And all things considered, I think she's right. The fact is that after I cut him off, he kept following my life by reading my other blog, and he admitted that he was at first angry at me for how I ended things. In addition, after purposefully not speaking to him for seven months, I call him and he is excited enough to ask if I will hang out with him right then and there. What man does that?

Here is what my life currently comes down to. I have a man in my life who lives in a good neighborhood, drives a somewhat flashy car, and is currently in school for a profession that will potentially make him a relatively rich man in a few years. If this man can get his act together (and I'm not betting money on this), we could possibly date or marry at some point in some future life. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about another man who lives in the ghetto, drives an old beater car, and is currently in school for a profession that is difficult to break into and will only make him middle-class at best. This man and I are not compatible because we are too much alike, and due to mutual considerations and certain life circumstances chances are that we will never be anything other than good friends.

This weird situation probably proves two things about myself. First of all, financial security is apparently not a major consideration in my dating/relating choices :-). Secondly, I am one emotionally messed-up human being.

But then again, maybe it all makes sense. I think that probably I think about Nikolai more because he is someone I understand on many levels. Even though he can be aggravating at times, and there are certain things in his life I don't agree with (and there are things in my life he doesn't agree with), I truly believe that beyond the complexity of his life, I "get" him in a way I don't think I will ever "get" Alex. And that counts for something. I borrowed the below excerpt from an anonymous prose piece on the "quarter-life crisis" I found on the Web. It summarizes this situation better than I ever could:

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.