Revelations

Spending time with someone outside of the environment you typically spend time with them in is a wonderful thing. You find out so much about the people you're with, and you get a fuller picture of who they are. I had this happen with Alex a number of years back, both at retreats and in a big way when I moved to Cincinnati.

Last week I was out in California with Nikolai and a couple of other friends. I loved California a lot, I really did. The atmosphere was really awesome, the scenery was perfect, the weather was great, and it was a kind of beauty I don't think I've ever seen before. I could live there.

My friends figured that this trip would be make-or-break for Nikolai and myself. That is very true. To make a long story very short, some things were confirmed and other impressions were altered. It was confirmed that Nikolai does put me on a pedestal, which totally isn't cool. To some extent, that changed in California, as he found that I wasn't perfect, but he did say that even with that, his vision of me hasn't changed that much. I'm not sure what to make of that.

But the alterations were worse. I found out what was behind the wall, and I don't like it at all. It's really dirty, and it's not right. I'm really shocked, actually. I also noticed a side of him I really despise. I never put him on a pedestal, but I thought he was a man of maturity and character. However, the Nikolai I met in California is not the Nikolai I have been getting know in Cincinnati. The Nikolai revealed to me in California is a shallow, egotistical, immature, chauvinistic hypocrite. He's selfish and closed-minded, and thinks he's God's gift to women. He is the kind of person who just takes up space and air instead of trying to make a real difference in the lives of other people. He is a gutless conformist who doesn't have the balls to stand up against what is wrong. He makes Alex look like Mother Teresa. My respect for Nikolai has shot down to zero. He is a miserable excuse for a human being. At this point, I am thoroughly disgusted with him and I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone.

I hate Nikolai with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Karma is really a bitch, and I almost feel bad for what's coming for Nikolai. But then again, when it comes, a part of me would love to watch. Schadenfreude...