Residuals

So yesterday my friend told me she just got engaged to be married. Unlike how it always seems to happen (where someone who doesn't think about getting married gets married), she really wanted to get married...I think she has been more single-minded about that than I am. But here's the thing...she's only known her now-fiance for a month, and she says that the Lord told both of them that they were to be married. I believe that these things can happen, and considering the amount of confirmation they received, I think it did happen to them. I'm happy for my friend, I really am. She is a great person with a wonderful heart...she deserves this. I wish her and her fiance the best.

But honestly, I have not been taking the news very well. Not at all. I think that is because the whole Alex situation is not completely out of my system. I want to clarify this point. I do believe I'm "over" Alex. My feelings for him are neither love nor hate, but neutral. I don't really miss him, and I don't miss the drama. I think that not being with him is the best thing for me; within the weirdship I was not receiving the respect and acceptance that any human being deserves. I also think that, for the most part, I'm over the situation. I liked him, he didn't like me back. It was what it was.

However, I think that there are residuals. A major part of the reason I stayed friends with Alex as long as I did is because I thought Alex was "the one." I felt like it was something God said and confirmed. I waited over five years, attempting to be as patient as possible, while I watched Alex stubbornly refuse to see me for who I was. My family, friends, and ex-friends ridiculed me for this decision to my face and behind my back. I believed in my heart of hearts that things would work out and that I would be vindicated and redeemed, to the glory of God.

But in the end, that's not exactly what happened. As a matter of fact, that's not what happened at all. I moved to Cincinnati, and everything fell apart. "The one" ended up going de facto atheist on me, couldn't get over his ex-girlfriend who had gotten married on him five years ago, while at the same time dating random girls and ignoring my womanhood. And it wasn't just that he didn't like me back; he was repulsed by the idea of me liking him. And, he had no idea why this might be a problem.

Believe it or not, I'm not angry at Alex. But I am angry and a little bitter at how it turned out. I spent six years on something I believed truly was from God with absolutely nothing to show for it (except a 50-pound weight gain). While I know in my head that God is faithful, I feel in my heart that I got played. If God didn't say it and I got it all wrong, why didn't He fill me in and allow me to go down the wrong road for so long? Why would He allow me to come out looking like a complete idiot, instead of making things right?

My friends and family around my age have developed a habit in the past couple of years of getting married. Like the friend I first mentioned, most of them have known their spouses for a shorter period of time than I had been in my weirdship with Alex. Some of them are younger than me. They talk a lot about trusting God and knowing He put them together. The worst thing about the situation with Alex is that, after all that has happened, I just don't have the same confidence in my ability to hear God's voice clearly. I like Nikolai a lot, and I think he likes me. But I don't know if I can even trust my judgment on that. Furthermore, I ask God where things are going with my friendship with him, but I don't know if I would even know if He gave me the answer. I feel like I'm in a crisis of faith.

"Be patient, your day will come" doesn't work anymore. I don't think it ever did...it's the worst piece of advice I have ever heard in life...it's like rubbing salt into an open wound. I need answers - that is all I need. I am just so tired of the bullshit.