Pedestal

On Friday, it became more clear how much pull I have with Nikolai. To make a long story short, I was out with some friends and associates at a local bar. I was told by one of the guys that Nikolai decided not to show because he had a bunch of work to get done that he was behind on. So I gave him a call, and he told me what was going on. So I told him to go ahead with what he was doing, and if he wanted to take a break whenever, just give me a call. So, he asked me where I was (to which I told him), and then said that he was on his way home, but he would stop by the bar to show his face briefly. So, a few minutes later, he showed up at the bar. So he greets everyone, gets a beer, and sits down. He then proceeds to tell me that he had been debating with himself whether or not to go, but when I called him and he found out I was there, he decided to show up. That kind of made me blush and smile :-). He is so sweet...I guess that on whatever level, I matter to him.

I've kind of started to think about this. I had been working hard to make sure I didn't put Nikolai on a pedestal, that I wasn't going to think he was bigger and better than he was. I think I've done a good job of that so far, although I admit that I am smitten by his wit and charm. But maybe I shouldn't be worried about me; maybe I should be worried about him. I'm not saying this to sound conceited, because I don't think I'm all that at all. But after hearing stuff from him about how "good," "pure," and "nice" I am, I really do wonder. To be sure, it's nice that he likes me on whatever level. But I would hate for him to see that I'm not all that great. I have done dirt, I have enemies, I have been shady, I sin and I have had carnal thoughts. I'm not "pure," I'm human. And I really hope he knows that, because I don't want to live up to an image that doesn't truly reflect me.