Risk

Well, six more days before Nikolai is back in the States. I heard from him last week through email, he was doing okay. But what I can't believe is that time has gone by so quickly.

I think that the month-long separation was needed. I think that during this time, I've been able to think things through. It's not that I didn't have my head on straight, because I believe I have. I think, though, that sometimes, in the excitement of things, I don't always think clearly. It's different being in a position where I may actually be wanted by someone I like; it's weird being in a position where I just might have to make some choices that aren't limited to "get over it now or later."

I feel as if what I think and feel actually matters. But with that comes all kinds of considerations and all kinds of things I need to potentially get used to. The fact is that I am not very experienced in dating and relationships. I have only been involved in one serious relationship. Ever. And even my non-serious opposite-sex dealings have been limited. I am 24 years old and I am interested in a 28-year old man. Beyond the obvious cultural issues, there are basic issues of how do I proceed, how do I present myself so that I don't come on too strong. Here is what I want. I want to know how far things can potentially go with Nikolai without screwing up the friendship or making things weird. I want clarity without risk. And that might be impossible.