Need

Sometimes there is a big difference between what we want and what we need.

Since I decided not to be friends with Alex anymore, I've had an up-and-down time of it. Especially since arriving back in Cincinnati about a week ago, I've had good days and bad days. People I know here in Cincy seem to think I look better, happier even. Maybe, in a sense. Removing Alex from my life is probably the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. And sometimes it can be hard to see the effect someone has on you until he's out of your life. It's what I needed.

But I'm not sure if it was what I really wanted. What I really wanted was for him to care about me the way I cared about him. I wanted for him to accept me for who I was. But that's not what happened. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite happened. In the end, I was his last resort, the one that was there when no one else was. It was a place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It would've been better for him to just say he didn't want to be friends with me, but instead he took advantage of me and took my kindness for weakness. After six years, that was all I meant to him. Some girl who liked him once upon a time. That hurts like hell.

I was hanging out with Brooke last night. One of the things she said is that one of the hardest things about ending a destructive relationship is the wondering...wondering whether or not he ever thinks about what he has done, whether he realizes what he did was wrong, and that you were a human being who didn't deserve what he threw your way. I wonder if Alex really has a heart...a conscience, even. And if he does, does he pay attention to it?

From what I knew of Alex, he was the kind of person who was self-absorbed, yet cared more about what other people thought of him than what he thought of himself. In a way, I feel kind of bad for him. I really believe that one day, maybe after he has gone through school, settled down with a wife and children, in his white picket-fence house, he will look in the mirror, and he won't like what he sees. It will dawn on him..."what have I done?"

Maybe at some point, he will know what he has done, and maybe he might apologize for what he has done...sincerely, and not in a self-absorbed way. Maybe he will show me once and for all that he does care after all, that he does have a conscience, that he isn't the selfish, soulless bastard I perceive him to be.

But I can't hold my breath. I can't live for a day I don't know will ever come. I think that is the hardest thing about it. Forgiving someone who doesn't even think that what he did was wrong. But I need to move on, I might not want to move on without that kind of closure, but I need to move on. Now. I have to be able to move on with my life, forgiving Alex...even if he is never sorry.

Over

I can't believe I actually did it.

I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends with Alex, and for once in my life, I followed through on that. Last week, I wrote him a letter in which I told him the truth about how I felt, and that it wasn't working out for me. And today, I got a short email with him telling me he got the letter, and while he doesn't completely understand everything I had to say, he understands that I don't want to be friends with him anymore.

So it's really over.

For some reason, I shed tears. It is probably because as tumultuous as the friendship has been these past almost six years, I really did care about Alex, and still do. Or that I'm so used to him being in my life that I don't know what my life will look like without him.

But even if I shed tears now, I know that the pain I feel now is nothing compared to the pain I will continue to feel and will only increase if I continue to allow this relationship to stall my life. I have to keep telling myself that this is only a small price to pay for the peace I will have from now on, being devoted to Christ and not having anything or anyone else compete.

And holding out for God's best.